Tag Archives: Useless

But Honey… We Have Needs

Sometimes we go shopping

Because we have needs

Like cardamom, five-spice,

And sunflower seeds,

A packet of seaweed

And kale-chips-ahoy!

Perhaps we might splurge

For a mint-in-box toy.

When we feel spendy

Perhaps we will pounce

On a bottle of wine

That we cannot pronounce

And then at the end

We’ll return home again

And eat yesterday’s ramen

Because we are men.

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The Expendable Letters

The letters Z and X, 

And also Q and C,

Left the alphabet one day

In a flight of misery.
They knew they were superfluous,

That they could not make a sound

Unique and unimitatible

By the other 22 letters around.
And so we started seeing

Other letters filling in.

K and S hung out in a hotel lobby

Until J jekked them in.
The letters had more duties,

And had to get more brainy.

S started having seizures 

Filling in for words like “zany.”
Eventually, they all came back

After things came to a head.

Alas, Q was still useless

And Z wanted to be called “Zed.”
X declared a monopoly

On marking spots on a map.

And poor old C remained

Just the first piece of Crap.

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Happy National Day-Chooser Day

Today is one of my favorite days:

It’s National “National Day-Chooser” Day.

It’s the day on which we celebrate

The people whose choices will show us the way.

For without the wise guys who choose to define

National Beer Days, Peace Days, and more,

We’d just think it’s Thursday, and that would be boring.

As it is, the Day-Chooser makes our morale soar.

When I’m all grown up, it’s my dream to be

A National Day-Chooser. If that dream comes true,

My first act will be to define that day as

The day of “Someday-You-Might-Have-This-Job-Too.”

Perhaps if I make it to this goal I seek

I’ll be promoted to “Guy Who Picks Out The Week!”

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