Tag Archives: Holidays

The Non-Holiday Season

‘Twas the night before Monday

And all through the nation

There were people in need

Of another vacation.

They’d worked all their lives

Forty hours or more,

Fighting tooth and nail

For a new higher score.

The cost of the score

Was not steep if you count

Sanity and free time

As a meager amount,

And so they awoke

To commute and check out

And that, my dear kids,

Is what work’s all about.

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When You Ask Them To Say “Cheese” And They Say “Take The F***ing Picture Already”

A thin grin, a smile with guile,

A false upward turn of the lips:

Needless to say, if you know a way

To take good family photos, share tips!

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It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really

Today is Easter, as you know.

It’s also April Fool’s Day.

I think those go together

As they celebrate the way

That Jesus was all dead and stuff

And then suddenly he wasn’t.

The two holidays make sense to me

Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.

What also doesn’t make much sense

Is a question of this kind:

It’s that God sacrificed himself

To appease himself I mind.

Not only that, but if it’s true

That Jesus isn’t dead

Then why not find another way

To cure one’s Godly head?

It seems if you’re omnipotent

You could just say “hey folks,

“Get your shit together”

Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.

But I am just a human

And can’t be my own son

So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs

And let His will be done.

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Happy Memories and Family…ish

Snow and presents,

Carols, nostalgia.

Yes, ’tis the season

And that’s why I called ‘ya.

We had a great year.

Yeah, the kids are alright.

I’m glad you’re my family.

Call you next year. Good night.

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The Plastic Skeleton’s Other 11 Months

I am a man without skin.

There’s nothing to keep my guts in.

And yet somehow I lived on,

Quite at home on somebody’s lawn.

Then one day the world went black.

They put me in the basement and didn’t look back.

Now my place on the grass has a penguin instead.

There’s some deer on the roof and a weirdly-shaped sled.

But I know when the snow is gone,

When leaves fall on the golden lawn

I’ll be back to rule the night.

Until then, I’ll be alright.

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Happy National Day-Chooser Day

Today is one of my favorite days:

It’s National “National Day-Chooser” Day.

It’s the day on which we celebrate

The people whose choices will show us the way.

For without the wise guys who choose to define

National Beer Days, Peace Days, and more,

We’d just think it’s Thursday, and that would be boring.

As it is, the Day-Chooser makes our morale soar.

When I’m all grown up, it’s my dream to be

A National Day-Chooser. If that dream comes true,

My first act will be to define that day as

The day of “Someday-You-Might-Have-This-Job-Too.”

Perhaps if I make it to this goal I seek

I’ll be promoted to “Guy Who Picks Out The Week!”

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