Some folks say that God is dead,
But that’s misinformation.
The real truth is God is gone
On one big long vacation.
He asked his faithful angel pal
To water his plant before bed,
But the angel pal misread the note
And watered the planet instead.
Tag Archives: Water
TV Commercials, In Essence
You’re going to spend
The rest of your life
Drinking water solely
To transform into pee.
Instead get hydrated
The new, better way:
*Insert catchy jingle*
Come get an IV!
Filed under Poems
Regarding The Going-On of Hearts (Near, Far, Wherever…)
As icy water wraps me
Like Satan’s comfort blanket
The naked truth hits me
Like one of my French girls.
I realize that I will die
And almost certainly not win an Oscar.
I look out on the ocean,
Green waves far away massage
Where the shore’s shoulders would be
If the shore had shoulders.
A cold wind turns the surface
Into a speckled visage,
The watery face of a teenage boy
If that’s what the ocean were.
Leagues below, seaweed dances
As a beloved mermaid sings
About how unsatisfied she is
With royalty and wealth.
All I hear is screaming,
The sound of burning wreckage
Sinking below the surface,
And Celine Dion warming up offstage.
As I gaze into the eyes of my love
Whom I met a few hours ago
My suffering diminishes
For I do not suffer alone.
A thousand boyfriends will share
This 214-minute suffering
For so long as home videos exist.
I was her shoulder to cry on,
Something the shoulderless shore
Will never be.
Okay, I’m cold now.
Filed under Poems
Before Showers
Tepid waters of my bath
Invoke in me a primal wrath,
But as I move to strike them down
I’m shown to be a simple clown,
For where I strike, the water bends.
This is where my childhood ends,
For no more baths shall I take.
Instead, I go swimming in a lake.
The Super Bowl Ad That Wasn’t
Tea is made of soggy leaves,
Coffee of boiled beans.
Juice is made of beat-up fruit
Or bovine growth-enhancing genes.
Alcohol is rotten food
Made into liquid form.
Milk is full of hormones
Much like a college dorm.
But water is made of melted ice
And of precipitation.
And it makes you joyful, calm, and well
According to our information.
You’re ninety percent water,
As you may already know.
So why not buy Dasani
When you look for H2O?
This poem features many notable celebrities, and should compel you to buy Dasani brand water.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 