Tag Archives: Water

And The Lord Made The Oceans…

Some folks say that God is dead,

But that’s misinformation.

The real truth is God is gone

On one big long vacation.

He asked his faithful angel pal

To water his plant before bed,

But the angel pal misread the note

And watered the planet instead.

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TV Commercials, In Essence

You’re going to spend

The rest of your life

Drinking water solely

To transform into pee.

Instead get hydrated

The new, better way:

*Insert catchy jingle*

Come get an IV!

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Regarding The Going-On of Hearts (Near, Far, Wherever…)

As icy water wraps me

Like Satan’s comfort blanket

The naked truth hits me

Like one of my French girls.

I realize that I will die

And almost certainly not win an Oscar.

I look out on the ocean,

Green waves far away massage

Where the shore’s shoulders would be

If the shore had shoulders.

A cold wind turns the surface

Into a speckled visage,

The watery face of a teenage boy

If that’s what the ocean were.

Leagues below, seaweed dances

As a beloved mermaid sings

About how unsatisfied she is

With royalty and wealth.

All I hear is screaming,

The sound of burning wreckage

Sinking below the surface,

And Celine Dion warming up offstage.

As I gaze into the eyes of my love

Whom I met a few hours ago

My suffering diminishes

For I do not suffer alone.

A thousand boyfriends will share

This 214-minute suffering

For so long as home videos exist.

I was her shoulder to cry on,

Something the shoulderless shore

Will never be.

Okay, I’m cold now.

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Before Showers

Tepid waters of my bath

Invoke in me a primal wrath,

But as I move to strike them down

I’m shown to be a simple clown,
For where I strike, the water bends.

This is where my childhood ends,

For no more baths shall I take.

Instead, I go swimming in a lake.

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The Super Bowl Ad That Wasn’t

Tea is made of soggy leaves,
Coffee of boiled beans.
Juice is made of beat-up fruit
Or bovine growth-enhancing genes.

Alcohol is rotten food
Made into liquid form.
Milk is full of hormones
Much like a college dorm.

But water is made of melted ice
And of precipitation.
And it makes you joyful, calm, and well
According to our information.

You’re ninety percent water,
As you may already know.
So why not buy Dasani
When you look for H2O?

This poem features many notable celebrities, and should compel you to buy Dasani brand water.

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