Sometimes I look back and wonder
“Why didn’t I spend more time studying
“How to write mission statements?”
Then I assemble a committee to discuss
Whether retrospection is amenable
To well-ordered, politically-correct society:
Results pending.
Tag Archives: Free Verse
If You Have Nothing To Write A Poem About, Write It Anyway Because You Made A Stupid Promise To Post One Every Day And You Ain’t No Quitter
If I could name a river after myself
I think I’d call it “David River”
‘Cause that’s a limitation
Of the whole “name-it-after-yourself” deal.
If I could name a city after myself
I can probably guess your IQ
By what you thought the answer would be.
It would be New David River City
Because duh.
Filed under Poems
Streaming Exclusively On Disney Plus
I think it would be fun
If they made a new Jumanji movie
But it was a free-to-play mobile Jumanji
And they spent all five hours of the movie
Grinding for Jumanjewels
Before they gave up and decided
The old, murdery Jumanji
Wasn’t that bad after all…
Filed under Poems
Art Is Subjective
People always say
“I miss the good old days”
But I think that’s misguided
In many different ways,
Chief of which is that
Although they made so many gargoyles
And so many fountains
The two were very seldom combined,
Which means we’ve had thousands of years
That could have had gargling gargoyles
And yet we got garden gnomes.
Filed under Poems
The Heart Of Man
Sometimes when you look at me
Wide-eyed, uncertain,
The endless doubt and weariness fade
And I hold your hand softly
And kiss you gently;
My whole ego becomes weightless
And I know that I have you
And I don’t deserve you
And I would die a thousand times
To be with you just an hour more.
Sometimes when you look at me
Silently, deeply,
I know exactly how your heart
Is full of warm Summer breezes
And hibernating mammals
Warm in each others’ embrace
Beneath a cold, uncaring world.
Sometimes when you look at me
Gently, longingly,
I wonder how on earth
A stacked team like Rams
Can lose to the freakin’ 49ers in primetime;
Then I try to look at your tits
Without you noticing.
I can’t.
This is what it means to be a man.
Filed under Poems
By The Way, Why Did Didn’t
Today I wrote
“Why did the chicken cross the road”
And someone petty replied
“You forgot the question mark…
“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”
So I went out and bought a chicken
And named it Why Did
And I commanded it:
“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”
That’s what random internet people get
For being grammar nazis.
Still Cheaper Than Student Loan Forgiveness
Somebody ought to make a theme park
Inspired by loneliness
And they only let one person in at a time,
And that one guest
Who feels sad and miserable and alone
Gets to ride roller coasters
And skip all the lines
And there’s no trash or noise
Or dirty screaming little kids
And everyone is happy.
And other lonely people come
And they ride the roller coasters too
But they have to wait
And they’re hungry and tired
And everyone is miserable
And then they all leave
And the first guest feels good again
Because they appreciate how nice it is to be alone.
Then we repeat the process 7.5 billion times
And we have world peace.
Filed under Poems
Never Doubt Your Business Ideas Again
Somebody once thought
We should take the white things chickens poop
And break them in a pan
Over a fire
Until they’re still damp
But also really warm
Then cover them in fermented milk
And dehydrated seawater
And fill them with vegetables no one likes
And sell them to husbands for $18
To appease their sexually frustrated wives
And call it brunch.
Filed under Poems
What About The Roads Though?
In the past twelve months, America
Printed twice as much money
As every American Billionaire combined,
Which is twenty percent
Of all dollars ever spent
Since 1835.
That money could pay off
All American credit card debt
AND all American student loan debt
Twice.
And so I ask:
Why do we need taxes again?
Filed under Poems
This Poem Relieves Bureaucratic Congestion… Side Effects Include Being On The FBI Watchlist, Bureaucratic Congestion, And “Hanging Yourself” In A Cell Before Testifying Against The Clintons
Our government in America
Is a lot of old people
Roleplaying as a nose with a cold,
Alternating whether the right
Or left nostril can’t breath
While helping no one at all.
Time for Sinuclear TM
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 