Tag Archives: Free Verse

The Answer, At Last!

All the single ladies

Ask where all the good men went,

Dreaming of the good old days

When the six-foot-plus millionaires

Without egos or exes

Would contact them conveniently

And buy them stuff

All without leaving the house.

Meanwhile the six-foot-plus

Drama-free millionaires

Are in their basements

Roleplaying car thieves

And writing bad poetry blogs.

You’re welcome.


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This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It

I think a good name for a dog

Is “Help”

Because when you call after it

Other people look at you

And some of those lookers

Are rich and/or sexy

And enjoy the company

Of cheekily named dogs

And their owners…

Just sayin’.

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You Expected A Rhyme? I Expected A Nurturing Home Environment. Ha!

If you’re the type of person

Who’d name their child “Splorch”

I want to meet you

Because my name is Splorch

And my parents left me

When I was young

And you’re probably them.

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Hard Hypotheticals

If I could clone myself

And make an evil twin

I probably wouldn’t.

But somewhere out there

The guy whose evil twin

Would’ve killed Hitler

Is regretting his choice

Not to make an evil clone.

Now I’m doubting my decision…

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It’s All Aroun’, Bringin’ Us Down

What comes up

Must come down.

What goes sideways, as it turns out

Also must come down.

What doesn’t move at all

Never will go up.

It is for these reasons

That gravity makes a crappy topic

For poetry.

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Information Technology

Glory to the makers

Of electronic devices

For they have made available

All the knowledge of man

Yet only they know

How the heck the darn things work.

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Regarding The Going-On of Hearts (Near, Far, Wherever…)

As icy water wraps me

Like Satan’s comfort blanket

The naked truth hits me

Like one of my French girls.

I realize that I will die

And almost certainly not win an Oscar.

I look out on the ocean,

Green waves far away massage

Where the shore’s shoulders would be

If the shore had shoulders.

A cold wind turns the surface

Into a speckled visage,

The watery face of a teenage boy

If that’s what the ocean were.

Leagues below, seaweed dances

As a beloved mermaid sings

About how unsatisfied she is

With royalty and wealth.

All I hear is screaming,

The sound of burning wreckage

Sinking below the surface,

And Celine Dion warming up offstage.

As I gaze into the eyes of my love

Whom I met a few hours ago

My suffering diminishes

For I do not suffer alone.

A thousand boyfriends will share

This 214-minute suffering

For so long as home videos exist.

I was her shoulder to cry on,

Something the shoulderless shore

Will never be.

Okay, I’m cold now.

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