Tag Archives: Advertisements

Watch As This Somehow Violates The WordPress Terms Of Service…

If you see an ad

Anywhere around this page

Do not click on it.

Advertisers don’t

Pay me to be on my site.

That gives me no joy.

But if I offend

All the advertising firms

They might go away.

Thus all these haiku

Warning you not to click on

Those cheap f#%^ers’ ads.

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Filed under Poems

Announcing: Tepid Gruel!

Hello readers! Today I’m excited to announce my next book, “Tepid Gruel and other short poems you probably shouldn’t read but will because you’re already looking at this book so, hey, why not?”

Below is the title poem from the book. I hope you enjoy because I’m proud and excited to share it with you and also because I’m very poor and want you to buy the book when it comes out. 🙂



I’m launching a new cologne line

I think is pretty cool

Inspired by the “adequate.”

I call it “Tepid Gruel.”

It smells like tap water, limp white bread,

And past-its-prime shampoo.

It makes a statement, as if to say

“I’m alright… how are you?”

Critics are calling it “fine, I guess,”

“Non-threateningly bland,”

“An understudy’s ideal scent,”

“Inconsequential, thus not panned.”

So if you’re worried you might be liked

Or noticed in a way

Be sure to spritz on some Tepid Gruel

Before you start your day!

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Filed under Poems, To the Reader

TV Commercials, In Essence

You’re going to spend

The rest of your life

Drinking water solely

To transform into pee.

Instead get hydrated

The new, better way:

*Insert catchy jingle*

Come get an IV!

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Thank You For Listening

If your advertisement

Interrupts my viewing pleasure,

My search for pirated movies,

Or conversations about the weather

Please understand that never

Will I buy what you have shown.

Now do the world a favor

And get your *#%& off my phone!

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Filed under Poems

The Super Bowl Ad That Wasn’t

Tea is made of soggy leaves,
Coffee of boiled beans.
Juice is made of beat-up fruit
Or bovine growth-enhancing genes.

Alcohol is rotten food
Made into liquid form.
Milk is full of hormones
Much like a college dorm.

But water is made of melted ice
And of precipitation.
And it makes you joyful, calm, and well
According to our information.

You’re ninety percent water,
As you may already know.
So why not buy Dasani
When you look for H2O?

This poem features many notable celebrities, and should compel you to buy Dasani brand water.

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Filed under Poems