Tag Archives: God

And Hark! He Said “Thou Cannot Reason With These People”

If we elected God himself

To lead the USA

Half of us would disapprove

Because he’s anti-gay.

Another half would criticize

The way his job was done

And make memes calling him socialist:

“Loaves and fishes for everyone!”

His “love your neighbor” policy

Would, by nationalists, be despised.

We’d call him dumb to design an ark

That’s unfeasibly sized.

We’d cry out “Egomaniac”

Because he asks for praise.

We’d complain that since he made time

The weekend should last four days.

Mary’d call him a rapist

After carrying his son

And some would say the Russians

Are the reason that he won.

They’d break the third commandment

Every day within the news

And people would complain

Because he panders to the Jews.

If we made God the president

He’d be called an old white shill,

But for sure his graven image

Would never grace a dollar bill.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Harps Aren’t Free, You Know!

I awake from endless slumber

Beside a river I don’t know

Where a luminous boat is waiting

For one willing to row.

We pass through crystal mountains

And forests made of glass

While the water sings serenely

As through it my oars pass.

I see the Lord of Heaven

And His splendor makes me whole.

Then I watch a 30-second ad

For the brand new Kia Soul.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Bible, Basically

Every single second

Of every single day

You have the chance to change your life

And live a better way,

To turn off the autopilot

And let your thoughts run free,

To say goodbye to who you were

And welcome who you want to be.

Every single moment

In every person’s life

Comes with bits you wish would simply

Get impaled by a knife.

Sloth and greed and gluttony

Will leave you be, you’ll find,

If you toughen up and stab them

With the power of your mind.

You’re an amazing creature

Who can do amazing things.

You’re why the spider scurries

And you’re why the bluebird sings.

Your dreams can all be conquered

So show them you’re the dude!

Yours truly, God/Yweh.

Lol Jk you’re screwed!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

What Happened To The Elder Gods, Vol. 1

A chicken divine

Made entirely of gold

With a mind to cure cancer

And which never gets old

That makes a girl fall in love

And a man squeal like a dork

Looks as lovely as can be

As I stab it with my fork.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Falling Short

Why do bad things happen
To good people,
And good things to bad people too?
I’ve discovered the answer
To this age old question
And I’m happy to share it with you.

See, God was still young
Before existence existed
And was bored by living alone,
So the deity started
A 30-day challenge,
His Godly skills for to hone.

The first couple days
He made the earth,
Light in the night and the day.
By day six he’d made
All the animals too,
And even made the color gray.

So after six days
He was no longer inspired
And thus ended his personal goals
Nine days short of such makings
As justice and Santa
And a good hair care line for Trolls.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems