I sigh at silent letters,
‘Cause they seem unnecessary,
Though I imagine it’s even more rough
If your name is Ptolemy.
Category Archives: Poems
Just a Thot
Filed under Poems
Whipper Snapper
Timmy was a cheerful slave
Who snapped his fingers all day long
He could not sing or whistle or dance
But his walking and snapping were their very own song.
Paul, he was a slave driver
Who snapped only his whip.
He didn’t want to hear music
Nor any back-talking lip.
Timmy and Paul were rivals of sorts,
Trying to out-snap the other,
Paul whipped and screamed, Timmy snapped and dreamed
And neither cried “Uncle” or “Mother.”
And Paul’s arm got tired
Of all the abuse
And forced the whipper
To stop its use,
But Timmy’s hands
Never wore out
For his snaps gave him strength
Paul knew nothing about.
So which man was the slave?
The snapper serene
Or the whipper, obsessed
With the need to be mean?
No man is a slave
If he choose not to be,
For the consent of the oppressed
Is what makes a slave be.
Filed under Poems
Earth Day
Earth Day is when we celebrate
The trees and birds and tectonic plates
By watching these things on TV
And killing any bugs we see.
Let’s do as we did in days of yore
When we would watch the eagles soar
And dance and sing out in the rain?
No, I’d rather play Candy Crane.
Filed under Poems
Bathroom Humor
There’s a couch in the girl’s room
And hot towels for the guys.
They ladies have to line up,
Men need to watch for urinal spies.
The ladies room is ten feet long,
The mens is ten feet wide,
So I guess that the porcelain
Is always whiter on the other side.
Easter Musings from a Heathen
Good morning Meesis
And good morning Meester,
And good morning meez for the feminists,
And Happy Easter!
It’s a day we celebrate
Jesus’s resurrection
With oviparous rabbits
And a sugar injection.
So hunt for those eggs
And hunt for that profit
And remember the Lord,
Our savior and prophet
And offer a prayer
For that great plastic hen
Who’s had her eggs stolen
Over and over again.
Filed under Poems
Why Aliens Don’t Visit Anymore
Earth has too many humans,
And jupiter has too much gas.
Mercury and venus
Are much too hot to pass.
Mars just might have martians ,
And Saturn has too many rings,
And I don’t like the awful puns
Uranus always brings.
Pluto is a lovely place,
But it’s just a planetoid,
And Neptune is a neighborhood
The prudent should avoid.
I’ve flown around for years now,
But I’ve never found a place
And cool and dark and cozy
As life in outer space.
Filed under Poems
Crime and Optimism
I was a thief
In ancient times
When the punishments
Fit the crimes.
I finally was caught
Making ransom demands
And a guy with an ax
Chopped off my hands.
It hurt in the moment,
And my stumps were quite sore,
But I don’t have to worry
About caught red-handed anymore.
Even better than that
Was going to my patents’s place
And saying “look ma, no hands!”
Ah, the look on her face.
Filed under Poems
In Anticipation of Graduation
Treatises, essays,
And the plural of syllabus.
These are things
I am not gonna miss,
But to be totally honest
I’ll miss walking to classes
Behind those yoga pants girls
With their beautiful… chassis.
Filed under Poems
Overheard at Bring Your Dad to School Day
I’m not just a logger;
I’m a matchmaker for trees.
See, how life goes for them
Is one arbor sees
The love of their life
Just a few feet away,
And they spend their time loving
Each other all day.
After a while
What these trees want so much
Is to lean over a little
And let their bodies touch,
So I whop out my chainsaw
And bring that love to fruition.
It makes me feel good
And it pays her tuition.
Filed under Poems
Re-Deeming Qualities
Oft was Bob deemed
A fellow quite proper
‘Til the day he was stopped
By a motorcycle copper
Who issued of a ticket
Worth two hundred and four
For speeding. Now Bob
Is deemed proper no more.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 