Tag Archives: Cynical

Apparently Pearls And Swine Are Equal

A feminist told me

“All men are pigs!”

And I almost took some offense.

Then another told me

“Men and women are equal.”

Now the first woman’s making more sense.

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I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary

Some sayings sound satisfying

But don’t apply to real life,

Like “what comes up must come down”

Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…

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I Really Need To Move To The South Already…

You tell me not to use a straw

Because somewhere in the sea

A turtle was killed by floating trash,

Perhaps produced by me.

And somewhere I imagine

In the ocean, deep and blue,

A turtle chokes on a straw and is grateful

To not be dating you.

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“Santiago Must Die”

They said I could do anything

If I put my heart into it

But after 17 years in a mariachi metal band

A part of me says “screw it.”

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An Actual Retirement Home On My Street

No matter how I’ve managed to sin

Since my life, long ago, did begin

Please forgive me enough

(Even take all my stuff),

Just don’t leave me at the Woodway Inn!

#RetiredPeopleDon’tDropSoap

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No (AKA Why Is Pessimism Such An Ugly Word Anyway?)

If the floor weren’t made of lava

And society wasn’t Hell

And people were polite

And once in a while something went well

And I wasn’t disappointed

By the bills someone probably sent me

And my life wasn’t garbage

Would the glass still be half-empty?

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What We Really Mean

Happy birthday Facebook friend!

This past year your life didn’t end.

You didn’t factor much into my life.

We’re only friends ’cause of my wife.

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