Tag Archives: Cynical

Dear Not-America, Love The U.S. of A

Hello from America,

Where we play real football!

Our dicks are the same size as yours

Although you’re not as tall.

Our women spend more money

And our kids aren’t well-behaved

But we have free tap water

And most of our roads are paved.

We owe your nation money

That we’ll never repay

But we also have lots of nukes

So please do what we say.

Our politicians are all crooks

And most are wimps as well

But we pledge them our allegiance

And pretend that things are swell.

But speaking patriotically

Our country’s still the best

At drinking booze per-capita

And functioning while stressed.

Here’s how you can emigrate

From where you live right now:

Just walk to California

And never leave. Kapow!

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War Isn’t So Bad…

We’ve walked among some Autumn glades

Just us and the wind from the helicopter blades.

Falling gently to the ground

Are a leaf and some limbs and an M16 round.

A quaint little creek

Glitters bright mountain green

And, despite all our blood,

Is still cool fresh and clean.

We came here to camp,

Found these meadows to walk,

Because some old men

Wouldn’t sit down and talk,

But we can take solace

And our hearts can still sing

All thanks to the peace

That our murder will bring.

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Why Cops Love Summer

The twinkling stream

In sea-foam green

Was strolling o’er the rocks

And on the sand

A merry band

Were clothed in naught but socks.

They danced about,

Let it all hang out,

Just happy to be young,

Especially he,

Who’s six-foot-three

And very amply-hung.

Their harmless fun

Had hurt no one

But the cops lacked any pity:

“This here stream,

“Rural as it may seem,

“Is legally still the city.”

The cops gave out

With an air of clout

Citations to the nudists.

They seemed unstressed

As they got dressed

As if they all were buddhists.

Now clothed, the band

Heeded police demand.

It’s true! I checked on Snopes.

Unclothed, unarmed

They went home unharmed,

So black folks: there’s still hope!

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Autumn in Detroit

Autumn in Detroit:

The trees are red each golden morning,

Crisp as dollar bills

That you stole from someone’s car.

Then comes Autumn’s rain

And the colors turn to gray December,

Dark and full of pain

Like that out-of-business bar.

The snow is heavy, cold

And almost covers the graffiti.

Unmelting, it turns gray

Like the prison window’s tint.

And as you bundle up

In your tick-infested cotton blanket

You smile and thank the Lord

That you do not live in Flint.

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Pre-Apocalypse

We haven’t had apocalypse yet

In this world in which we thrive.

We don’t fear the undead

For we are the un-alive.

We don’t need no fallout

To keep us inside all day long

And everyone is perfect

Except the half of us who’re wrong.

Food is not a luxury

(Except for homeless folks)

And only half our news today

Is a cruel, ignoble hoax.

So I hope you feel safe

As you stroll a corpseless street

Because, while life is kinda hard,

You aren’t yet a zombie’s treat

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I Have A Dream That I Can Hate A**holes Of Any Color Without Being Vilified

You’re unhygienic,

Ill-tempered and mean.

You’re perhaps the worst tipper

That I’ve ever seen.

Your humor is childish.

Your language is coarse.

You’ve the breath of a dog

And the face of a horse.

You burned down my house,

Ran away with my wife,

Destroyed everything happy

I had in my life.

You’ve made far more enemies

Than you’ve made amends

But I’m white and you’re black

So I’ll say that we’re friends.

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How To Hedge Your Bets

If you’re a divorce lawyer

Being polygamous is wise

‘Cause you’ll get a lot of business

And you’re already good with lies.

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