Tag Archives: Cynical

This Was Super Wholesome Until I Couldn’t Think Of A Rhyme And Now It’s A Drinking Song

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you no longer exist

You will not be scared or sad

Annoyed, confused, or pissed;

You will not suffer any pain

Or shed a single tear,

No longer prone to earthly woes,

‘Cause you’re no longer here!

If you cease to be a thing

Nothing will cause you harm.

You won’t regret the time you wasted

On your Facebook farm.

If the sun comes up tomorrow

And you’re absent from the dawn

You won’t mind when the whole world sings

“Thank God he’s finally gone!”

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Doublespeak (Or How I Learned To Stop Talking And Accept That I’m Wrong)

“Awesome” means “Good” now.

“Good” now means “Fair”.

“Okay” means “I’m lousy”.

“Lousy” means “In Despair”.

“Gold plans“ are baseline;

“Platinum” is normal.

Shirts are for business

And blue jeans are formal.

“Nothing” means “Something”

And “Yes” can mean “No”

But y’all still jump to conclusions

When I said “She’s a hoe.”

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Happy 18th Birthday?

Today I worked an eight-hour day

And did not feel blue

Until I finally realized

I must tomorrow too…

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Meta: Because “Livestock.com” Was Already Taken

The zebras neighed appreciatively

As the keeper gave them feed,

Thinking that the keeper

Sought to fill their every need.

The keeper spread the hay around

Like he did every day

So the owners of the zoo would keep

On giving him his pay.

The owners of the zoo filled out

The keeper’s monthly check

Knowing that without him

The zoo would be a wreck.

The zebra’s didn’t know

They were a product to be used,

Nor the keeper that his purpose

Was to keep visitors amused,

But the owners knew implicitly

That if the keepers and the beasts

Learned they were important

The owners would have to stop their feasts.

So too when surfing internets

And spying on your friends

You’re given an experience

Where pleasure never ends

Not knowing that the feeding

Is to keep the product still,

To exercise no power,

And to do the keeper’s will.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t eat

But just to look and see

The reason billionaires can give

You all this stuff for free.

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Thanks New World Order!

This year they started teaching kids

As young as five-years-old

That gender is whatever you choose

And not just what you’re told.

To celebrate this progress

In sex-ed for the prepubescent

I thought of a list of titles

For children’s books in this age present:

“Everybody Fucks,” for one;

Or “When the President Sniffs Your Hair”;

“The Very Hungry Pedophile”;

Or the two-papa Berenstain Bears.

“When Daddy Says ‘Call Me Mommy’”;

“The Fantastic Gyration Sensation”;

And a favorite of drag queen story hour:

“A is for Autoerotic Asphyxiation.”

Maybe you don’t feel comfortable

Putting porn in your preschooler’s head?

Don’t worry! For kids who are too young

We’ll teach them they’re racists instead!

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A New Study Finds All This Began In 1960 When A Straight White Man Refused To Get Vaccinated

The average guy is a virgin.

The average girl is a hoe.

You can get a college degree

To combat toxic masculinity…

How’d we get here? I don’t know.

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Joke of the Day

Harvey Weinstein, Pablo Escobar, and Joe Biden walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Let me guess… you want me to put it in my body or I’ll never work again?”

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When The School Counselor Gives Up

Just because last time you jumped

You injured yourself in the fall

Doesn’t mean you’ll be mistaken

If you once again give it your all.

Just because last time the verdict

Did not go the way you intended

Does not mean your life will be better

If you avoid being offended.

Just because pain is eternal

Doesn’t mean you should quit having fun.

Don’t be a fool! Get up! Go to school!

And oh, by the way, here’s a gun.

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Today’s White House News

Today a man who made himself

And all his staff exempt

From being vaccinated

Most audaciously has dreamt

That those who didn’t get a shot

That doesn’t stop the spread

Are somehow the ones responsible

That twelve more folks are dead.

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Okay Zoomer

In the future, little kids

Will visit their Grandma’s houses

And bring along 3D-printed candy

And all four of their spouses

And in between rounds of “Doom 35”

Grandma will tell the tale

Of how when she was a little boy

It was hip to say “epic fail.”

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