Tag Archives: Cynical

When Was The Last Time A Guy With Abs Smiled? I Rest My Case

A boring, shirtless-selfie guy

With pictures of his travels

Briefly loves bikini-babe…

A love that soon unravels.

Alas, the love so brief in time

Creates a permanent child.

This all could have been avoided

If Mr. shirtless-selfie smiled.

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Social Development Marches On

Once upon a time

A guy decided, “Hey

“What if I called people who

“I don’t agree with ‘Gay?'”

Everybody went along

Until a recent date

When some guy said, “What if instead

“We called bad people ‘Straight?'”

Then a third guy spoke his mind:

“Why not just disagree

“While still speaking with respect

“For our adversary?”

Guy one looked at guy two

And guy two said “Lol… gay!”

Then they lynched the third guy

And all conflict went away.

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Dear Oldest Child:

Sometimes when mommy’s frisky

And dad’s not watching porn

They send you on a playdate

And another kid is born.

This new kid is a baby,

Just a lump of hungry fat

That cries and poops and sleeps a lot

And not much more than that.

Luckily for the species

But not luckily for you

That baby will get bigger

And eventually turn two.

At this point, the parents

Who loved you when you were little

Will downgrade you, unknowingly,

To the meanest second fiddle.

They’ll love all over new kid

Because, sadly, the fact is

As the oldest child you are

The one on which they’ll practice.

You will need to get straight A’s…

New kid will soar on C’s.

You will beg for any love…

New kid will just say “please.”

Yes, this seems unfair to you

But someday you will see

That this kid turns invisible

When mom has baby 3.

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Why The Unicorns Left

She grew up in the forest

And learned to talk to trees

By singing with the birds of prey

And dancing with the bees.

She trained to be a hunter

From the day that she was born.

She dreamt she’d be the first to find

The mythic unicorn.

She found black stallions, powerful,

And pegasus in white,

Beasts that pulled the wagon far

And those who bore a knight.

She found horses of the sea

And horses tame and wild,

And yesterday her dream came true

And found it bright and mild:

The unicorn! Resplendent

In shades of gold and blue,

With a horn that shone like rainbows

And eyes of emerald hue.

She gazed upon the creature

And stroked its noble head

Then noticed it was unemployed

And rode a mule instead.

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Idioms, Like Pubic Hair, Are Better When Short

When life gives you lemons

You make lemonade

Then you give it to children

Who sell it and get paid

Then give you their money

Which your wife will then spend

And life gives you more lemons

And when will it end?

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The New American Dream

Anti-racism

Is when white people

Protest against white people

For being white.

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I’m Not One Of The Sheep… I’m Just The Pasture

You know those tests they give you

That tell your dream career?

There’s been an innovation

In those tests, or so I hear.

They’ve found 80 percent or more

Of testers’ perfect jobs

Are members of unthinking

And mostly peaceful violent mobs.

I didn’t think about it much

When first I heard the news,

But when I took the test myself

I had to change my views.

I scored, not as a rioter,

But a guy who owns a store

That sells lightweight TVs and food

In downtown Baltimore.

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Ham Covered In Sugar, Anyone?

Easter is the day a rabbit brings

Chocolate, eggs, and other things

To all the children with rich parents

And even to the folks named Clarence.

The bunny is a major hit

Among the kids for bringing shit.

They do not know it’s master plan…

The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.

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It All Makes Sense Now…

Doctors say lots of children

Have ADHD

And would sit all day long

Just to watch some TV

But instead they must go

To be receive state education

In a room full of bullies

And other frustration.

We do this to children

Because they must learn

About how they can focus

Until they adjourn

As good reborn children

Instead of mere scamps,

Thus why schools should be called

“Concentration camps.”

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When Someone Tells A Racist Joke And You Want To Warn Them To Stop, Apparently Shouting “ABORT!” Doesn’t Help…

If ever a black woman

Tries to defraud you

Here is a line you can say:

“Do I look like your baby,

“Because probably maybe

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

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