Tag Archives: Cynical

Why Men Pray

When a woman tells you yes

She means it could be so

Unless she’s getting dressed…

Then it definitely means no.

And if a woman tells you no

It is a no, no questions asked

Except when she wants you to be bad

Or do what you have not been tasked.

But the scariest thing you’ll ever

Hear a woman say

Is when she smiles and seems alright

And tells you “I’m OK.”

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Social Norms: A Disney Musical (Yes, This Is Irony)

Keep it in, keep it in.

Just keep it bottled up

And let no petty feelings

Fall in your proverbial cup.

Don’t be tempted by expression

And ignore that will to live

‘Cause money’s what you want

And money’s all we have to give.

So keep it in, keep it in.

Keep it tucked away inside.

Joyful outbursts and sad moments

Neither one should you abide.

All those swirly bits of feeling

That bounce around your head

Are horrors from the outside world.

Just watch TV instead!

Keep it in, keep it in

Because peace takes too much work

And if you are emotional

People might think you’re a jerk,

So take a swig, a puff, a pill,

A needle in your vein

So you can keep it in some more

And stop feeling the pain.

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My (So Far) Unpublished Picture Book

Bobby was an antelope

That lived out on the plains.

He had a happy smile

To conceal his inner pains

‘Cause though he was an antelope

What Bobby always sought

Was to turn into a camel.

Eventually that’s what he got.

Bobby’s story is inspiring

A lot like Forrest Gump.

He was a horny animal

Who just wanted a hump.

He had a little surgery

And moved to the Sahara.

To his family he said “bye”

And, to his troubles, “sayonara.”

But it turns out as a camel

Bobby suffered from great thirst.

Before he made his change

He should have thought about it first!

So Bobby died alone

Among the cacti and the sand.

He got exactly what he wanted

But it wasn’t what he’d planned.

Bobby didn’t go to heaven,

Nor to limbo or to hell

Because there is no afterlife

For our heroic trans-camel.

So if you really want something

A little or a lot

Use Bobby’s tale of woe

To eliminate that thought!

🐮🐪😁🌵☠️💡💔

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And Yet We Still Believe It

So began the monologue:

“Yes, of course I’ll train the dog!”

And in hindsight this we see

Was the greatest lie in history.

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Thanks State-Funded Early Childhood Education!

I read my child the story

Of a little red poultry whom

I respect, thus its female genitalia

Did not cause me its gender to assume.

My child looked up and said “Parent,

“I like when you do funny voices

“But why can’t we read about princesses

“Then make our own damn political choices?”

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Impression: Los Angeles

I stood out here once before

Seeking what could not be found

Head to toe in the neon cloak of midnight

Listening for the absence of a sound.

I saw humans crawl past empty sidewalks

Burning gas and paying fares

On the way to work that will empower them

To buy their surplus worries and cares.

They seek comfort in a glasses, pills, and needles,

Pray for hope through a politician’s lies.

Paychecks promise them the satisfaction

Of being happy in someone else’s eyes.

Red-eye pilots flee this urban heaven

Carrying those with sense enough to flee.

I just read my scripts and idly wonder

What it’s like to see a real tree.

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It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really

Today is Easter, as you know.

It’s also April Fool’s Day.

I think those go together

As they celebrate the way

That Jesus was all dead and stuff

And then suddenly he wasn’t.

The two holidays make sense to me

Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.

What also doesn’t make much sense

Is a question of this kind:

It’s that God sacrificed himself

To appease himself I mind.

Not only that, but if it’s true

That Jesus isn’t dead

Then why not find another way

To cure one’s Godly head?

It seems if you’re omnipotent

You could just say “hey folks,

“Get your shit together”

Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.

But I am just a human

And can’t be my own son

So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs

And let His will be done.

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