Tag Archives: Cynical

Why I Love Football

This month we will experience

The NFL’s preseason

In which millionaires hit each other

Deapite the lack of any reason,

And we the fans will cheer

To kick our team’s rival’s posterior

Because we can’t play ourselves

Since we’re genetically inferior.

We’ll sit and eat and fart a bit

And somehow manage to sweat.

At the end half of us will sob

While half say “best preseason yet!”

Then we picture our team’s victory

And order larger pants

With the logo of some other team

That actually has a chance.

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Downside? Nazi Riots. Upside? Easy Day For Bad Poetry.

Everyday I seek to write

A really lousy poem

Where life is hard and then the good guys lose,

But today I can be lazy

And write this poem instead

‘Cause my narrative is just Virginia’s news.

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Logic, American Dream Style

Monday through Friday

My heart’s only dread

Is that midmorning song

That says “get out of bed.”

Yet come days of Satur

And as well days of Sun

My heart sings in the morning

‘Til the day is all done.

For when clocks of alarm

Cracks serenity’s hold

And says “put on your clothes

“And go do what you’re told”

My vigor and pep

Aren’t what they used to be

Like when I was a child

And still blissfully free.

When instead of alarms

To the sun I awaken

And instead of my job

I get pancakes and bacon

My bliss flows more freely

And I feel stronger.

From now on I’ll work weekends

And be miserable longer.

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Support For The 58* Genders?

If you’ve got a gender

And that gender is Agender

Than an Agender gender

Is the gender that you’ve got,

But if you think non-cis is nonsense

And you don’t buy into bi

Then things which you are thinking

May be different than you thought.

There’s a rift between androgyny,

Pangender folks, and the FTM.

You may think that there’s no difference

Between trans-males and trans-men,

Or that trans-ness is divided

Down the trans-two-gender line

When in fact the trans-varieties

Number nearly twenty-nine!

If your creed denies this credence

You’ll be supported a few more years,

But if the “miss” in “miscelaneous”

Offends you, have no fears;

If you identify as other

But don’t like “other” as your name

Then nonconforming, variant, or non-binary

Are semi-synonyms for you to claim.

And if you want to carve your identity

In history’s hallowed halls

Invent your own custom gender now.

(May I suggest: No-balls?)

And make the list grow larger

Than the current 58

And you can show the establishment

That you don’t want America to again be great! 

*Subject to change

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I Am The Paladin Of Unpopular Opinions: Hear Me Speak Semi-Audibly 

I hate to say, but modern times

Have brought to bear such modern crimes

As the thought that changing what we call bad things

Will make them fly away on silver wings.

Amidst PC culture’s genital diminution  

I seek to find an ancient solution

Because I doubt folks in Pompeii

Said “That eruption’s a hot social event for the end of your day!”

Some say the truth will set you free,

That the ultimate good is reality.

I like to think those things are true,

But no one told the local SJW.

So I’ll just be honest on this, my blog

To cut through society’s “minimally exceptional” fog.

And if you get offended by hearing what’s true

I bet there’s a polite alternative name out there for you.

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Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor

A religious type of joke

Is often what offends

An amazing group of people’s

Imaginary friends.

I will mock all religions

In this poem I now write

Except, or course, for Islam

‘Cause I’m flammable and white.

I saw a gay pride event

As I was walking to my car.

They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church

So the priests needn’t walk too far.

I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke

And so I took a stab. I

Think they might have laughed had I

Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.

I met a “spiritual but not religious”

Person just the other day.

I asked them “is my latte ready?”

They said “yes, now go away.”

I’m not sure about Agnostics.

If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.

The Buddhists suffer eternally

Whether or not they read this poem.

I want to end with one last joke

To make you giggle or scoff:

Don’t get circumcised on a budget

‘Cause it might be a rip off. 

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Yes, And: Suicide Prevention

I said to my therapist

“I want to end it all,

To solve all of my problems

With a gun and/or a fall.”

My therapist nodded grimly,

Stared up at the ceiling fan,

And said “well, you’ve convinced me.

Thanks a million, man!”

In the end, I didn’t kill myself,

As nice as that would be

‘Cause when I die another problem

Will be waiting there for me.

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