Tag Archives: Cynical

It’s Awkward When Someone Says “Speak Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace”

When a man has nothing to say

He waits in silence for the silence to end.

When a girl I like has nothing to say

She says “That’s so nice, but I have a boyfriend.”

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When The Dragon Finally Wins

Where once there was a chosen one

There stands the lovely fool,

A hero who can’t distinguish

The prison from his school.

The chosen of the dragon and

The savior of the mass

Who once was slaying goblins now

Must take his english class.

The heroes, rogues, magi, and bards,

Barbarians and knights

Have no hydras to vanquish, thus

They learn the Bill of Rights.

What was a land of magic, full

Of ogres, orcs, and elves

Becomes a land where they must slay

The voices in themselves,

The ones that say “You are worthy,

“You are, by nature, fair.”

Teacher says “Slay those parasites,”

Preaching how not to care.

Though no fantastic heroes live

Today, perhaps they can;

There is a dragon, as yet unslain,

Whose form we call “The Man.”

We have the weapons, we have the words,

To fight on, brave and true.

Think for yourself and find your way

To start the tale anew.

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If They Spot An Oddity They’ll Start Feeling Audity And You’ll Be An Auditee

Thanks for calling IRS

We’re pleased to take your call.

We’ll be with you shortly

In almost no time at all.

Today’s call volume’s low

So you’ll likely only wait

Until the next December

Or the climax of your fate.

In the meantime please relax

And find something to do.

Our agents are quite busy

Making life feel hard for you.

We would like to help you

And help we probably could

But, by law, we are forbidden

To do anything good.

We know you are unhappy

And we know we’ve caused you stress.

Here’s some tax-funded Muzak.

Thanks for calling IRS.

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The Family Diner

I went to a family diner

I ordered a “family omelette”.

The menu wasn’t specific

So I waited to see what I’d get.

When they delivered the omelette

I found myself rather stricken

‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”

Was apparently just eggs and chicken.

The submenu options included

The “family omelette deluxe”

Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,

Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.

The Conservative family omelette

Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.

The Liberal family omelette

Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.

The feminist family omelette

Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.

The black family omelette had half as much chicken

‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.

The Japanese family omelette

Came with an unrealistic hairdo

And, upon looking closer, you’ll find

It has better SAT scores than you.

When I went to that family diner

I brought my future wife on a date.

I still visit on weekends and holidays

When I don’t have a lot on my plate.

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EA Poems

There once was a small stoic duck

Who, alas, had run out of luck.

But he soon hatched a plan

And oh boy and oh man!

Unlock the punchline here.

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A Near Miss

I was feeling unfulfilled

As I browsed the worldwide web.

My loneliness was at its peak,

My energy at ebb.

Then I saw an advertisement

That said “Hot Singles Near You.”

I turned on my ad blocker

And was lonely again. Phew!

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It’s Only Right You Suffer For My Mistakes

Yesterday I wrote two poems.

I feel like a dunce.

I meant one to be published tomorrow (today?)

But it got published at once.

Because of my mistake that day

You must hear me now annunc…

Iate. Yes, this poem is pointless

And every other line rhymes with “grunce.”

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