Tag Archives: Cynical

Giant Meteor: Not A Viable Candidate… Too Likeable

If you say the truth’s important

But you’re lying,

If you say you’re in perfect health

But you’re dying,

If you say you’re a real lady

But you’re a gent

I think you have a shot to be

The US President.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Lucky for Me… I’m a 3!

She was meretricious

And he was five-foot-two

And yet somehow between them

Amorous feelings grew.

He thought she was a goddess

And she thought he was funny.

So go the lives of 4’s and 5’s

When they have boobs or money.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

2021

Deep below, the hipster slugs

Are killing worms and taking drugs

And handing out free slimy hugs

And chanting “Slug Lives Matter.”

High above, against the odds,

Someone applauds the gastropods

And, thinking they are modern gods,

Eat escargot and grow fatter.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Conversation Openers

My wife starts conversations

By saying, “Hey there honey!”

My son starts conversations

By saying, “I need money.”

But no one beats my daughter

Who starts to talk to me

With, “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said!

“I hate you! OMG!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Extinction, Past and Future

I used to be a Dodo bird

But then I went extinct.

I came back as a Quagga

And then a Cape Verde Great Skink.

I’ve been a Passenger Pigeon

And even a Lesser Bilby.

I’ve yet to be a 5’11 male human

But soon, I fear, I will be…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

That Last One Will Hit You All Over The Place

No one will evacuate

For Hurricane Irma or Steve.

Those aren’t the type of names

That make Floridians leave.

I think we need more hurricanes

Like Hurricane Buried Alive,

Hurricane Dirt-On-The-Clintons,

Or Hurricane Black-Guy-High-Five.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”

“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,

I’ve got a game idea

Where two people survive the apocalypse.”

“Sure, Mr. designer guy,

But instead of death and zombies

Make the focus on blooming relationships.”

“Great idea, but what if

Instead of playing through the game

Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”

“And what about having

Unskippable gay sex missions?

It’ll fly right off the shelves!”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood

If you think saying “Spongebob’s gay”

Will make the haters go away

Then I am most inclined to say

You’re stupid and you’re wrong.

If you think that posting signs

And standing tall in protest lines

Will make the “bads” turn into “fines”

I’ll sing a different song.

If you think that making noise

About police and childrens’ toys

And how some girls are really boys

Is going to change a heart

Then I will proudly bear the news:

Insulting those with different views

Won’t stop the “other people” blues,

But listening? There’s a start!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Wanna Hang Out?

I said “If”

She said, “Did I tell you about…”

I said “You”

She said “The time I had the doubt…”

I said “Don’t”

“About whether or not…”

I said “Shut”

“This eyeliner makes me hot…”

I said “Up”

“‘Cause I, like, wasn’t totally sure…”

I said “I”

“If this was chic or, like, couture…”

I said “Will”

“So I called my BFF…”

I said “Do”

“And was like, ‘Sup, my broseph…”

I said “What”

“And he was like, ‘Oh girl…”

I said “Epstein”

“That shade of ivory makes me hurl…”

I said “Didn’t.”

She would stop,

Or so I thought;

She kept talking;

I did not.

I hung around;

She tied the knot.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

TWITTER HAS GONE TOO FAR!!!

A side effect of internet

Expanding the nobodies’ voices

Is what were once called parodies

Are now called valid choices.

Opinions so abhorrent

That no one would speak in person

Are fodder for hysteria,

A fate I fear will worsen.

No civil conversation

Can withstand the hate of distance,

And leaving online life

May be the only sane resistance.

What evidence have I

That things are dire as I claim?

Well, someone unironically

Wrote “Firefly is lame.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems