Tag Archives: Cynical

She’s Actually Not, But The Punchline Makes Me Seem Desperate, And Desperation Is Funny

My girl is sexier than yours.

She could knock hinges off doors.

She has pretty knees and toes

And looks good with and without clothes.

She has pretty auburn hair

And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.

She’s the girl I’m going to marry…

Who cares if she’s imaginary?

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For A Very Tolerant Mother On This Auspicious Day

My mommy was a mother

Since before I was a brother

To my sister, and she kissed her

And tucked her into bed.

Then my mommy had another

(That was me), and then no other;

She was done, and though now I’m fun

Back then we cried ‘til fed.

And feed us well my mother did,

Both me and that darn other kid,

And I’ve attested she never rested

‘Til we kids were satisfied.

Then we got bigger and less cute;

One could walk and one could scoot,

After baby-proofing and pillow floofing

She probably wanted to hide.

Alas, we found her hiding places

And made her wipe our snotty faces.

She loved us still, despite the thrill

Having long since departed.

And then we started going to school,

Which meant less time mopping our drool.

With phlegmless floors she still did chores

As we laughed and said “I farted.”

And even when my sister was bad

(I never was, just ask our dad)

With grace and calm she’d slap her palm

Anywhere but on our faces.

When we got big and pubescent

She gave us the finest present

Like love and stuff, always enough

Yet gave us private spaces.

And oh the years of meals she cooked,

Though overworked and overlooked!

Oh the the years and sweat and tears

Endured by her for us! She

Will be remembered evermore,

For all of this, but even more:

She inspired my art. She’s old, but not a fart.

I end this poem thusly.

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But They Still Need Taxes?

“What comes up must come down”

My teacher told me with a frown,

But here’s a thing that I don’t get:

Why isn’t that true for government debt?

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Petty Thoughts

One Wednesday a mouse got into the house

Of the woman I love, heart and soul.

She has a cat who’s remarkably fat

But knows not its mouse-catching role.

Her friends have a pug. He’s remarkably ugly

In an adorable way.

He got rewarded because we reported

He pooped twice in the same day.

All of these pets and the prizes they get

Cannot help my heart softly wish

That just for a day I was treated the way

The people I love treat their fish.

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Assault? Blacklist Him! Sex Slavery? Let’s Let Him Slide Quietly Out Of The Public Eye (Yay Hollywood)

There once was an actor named Will

Who was punished for slapping, until

He thought “I’ll never be arrested

“If they knew I molested

“And trafficked minors for capitol hill!”

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Apple: Unreasonable Prices For Overrated Perks Since Day 8

There once was a serpent, who hissed

“Hey woman, don’t you feel pissed?

“Here’s some fruit; have a bite!”

And the girl said, “Alright”

And now the world’s all like… well, this!

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Why Modern Poets Are Thin

A poem without rhyming’s

Like a cheeseburger without cheese,

A BLT with no tomato,

A bowl of carrots without peas.

A poem without rhyming

Lacks flavor and synergy

But alas I’m on a diet

And must cut whatever calories I can…

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I Promise To Make Other People Swear To Tell The Truth…

Doctors take the Hippocratic oath;

That’s what my teacher said.

On the test I wrote “Hypocritical oath”

But that’s what lawyers take instead.

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No, I Don’t Have Friends. Why Do You Ask?

Don’t you love when you decide

“I should update my browser app”

And then two hours later

It’s like the internet took a nap

And you’re wishing you could google

What to do when the web is slow

But your browser app is downloading

And there’s nowhere to go

So instead of browsing

Through memes and news and stuff

You finally say “Screw it”

And admit enough’s enough

And go into the world again

And gaze on nature’s splendor?

I don’t. I write poems instead.

How’s that for a comedic ender?

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What Every Man Wishes He Could Say To The Woman He Loves

I hope you sleep well dear,

All warm in your bed

With the stars softly kissing

The back of your head,

And the darkness and quiet

And peace coalesce

To relieve you of burdens

And release you from stress.

I hope you are carried

By angels of dreams

To a land of soft mountains

And limerent streams

So that when you awaken

Refreshed and renewed

You’ll finally cook me

Some half decent food!

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