Tag Archives: Cynical

Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message

Pixie dust and fairy farts,

Princess hair and fey Walmarts:

Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.

The others are movies that Disney just did.

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Fro Yo, Before Black People Made That A Greeting/Hairstyle

Somebody once grabbed a cow by the teats

And sucked out the milk and called it good eats

But a little fermented and got full of germs

And people just couldn’t come to grips or terms

So they filled it with sugar and put fruit on the bottom

And sold it in little plastic cups, and folks bought ‘em.

Then someone froze it and, eyes all agleam,

Said “People should buy this instead of ice cream!”

Most of the world disagreed, but alas

White peoplee adored it and paid through the ass.

All over the country we now eat frozen yogurt

Like Iowans mow lawns, and Nevadans mow dirt.

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Philosophy 101

Whatever you’ve heard, forget it!

Whatever you know, you don’t.

Everyone thinks they are brainy

But most of their brains grown’t.

Ignorance is epidemic.

No knowledge or sense can be common.

Now pay your tuition and fill out this form

And go back to your dorm and eat ramen.

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The Future Of Marriage

I love myself. I’m awesome.

I do, myself, amaze.

I really am incredible

In oh so many ways.

That’s why I decided

To buy myself a ring

And propose to myself romantically

While the doves of morning sing.

Alas, I’m so amazing

That I’m too good for me

So I turned down the proposal

And sobbed and said “Hehe.”

I am all distraught, and yet

I’m strong of will and mettle

Knowing that I’m great enough

To never, ever settle.

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I’ve Got Bread, Plenty Of Dough, I Bring Home The Bacon, And Yet…

I have a six pack

Of orange creamsicles.

I have 12 inches

Of beef jerky sticks.

I go all night

When I chew my dill pickles,

And somehow I can’t seem

To pick up the chicks…

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Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies And Enjoyed It?

Someone in Hollywood decided

“What if instead of crappy flicks

“We badly remade everything people love

“And when they complain, say that they’re dicks?”

Everyone outside Hollywood

Disliked this judgement call,

But on the bright side, now people

See that books aren’t that bad after all.

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She’s Actually Not, But The Punchline Makes Me Seem Desperate, And Desperation Is Funny

My girl is sexier than yours.

She could knock hinges off doors.

She has pretty knees and toes

And looks good with and without clothes.

She has pretty auburn hair

And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.

She’s the girl I’m going to marry…

Who cares if she’s imaginary?

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For A Very Tolerant Mother On This Auspicious Day

My mommy was a mother

Since before I was a brother

To my sister, and she kissed her

And tucked her into bed.

Then my mommy had another

(That was me), and then no other;

She was done, and though now I’m fun

Back then we cried ‘til fed.

And feed us well my mother did,

Both me and that darn other kid,

And I’ve attested she never rested

‘Til we kids were satisfied.

Then we got bigger and less cute;

One could walk and one could scoot,

After baby-proofing and pillow floofing

She probably wanted to hide.

Alas, we found her hiding places

And made her wipe our snotty faces.

She loved us still, despite the thrill

Having long since departed.

And then we started going to school,

Which meant less time mopping our drool.

With phlegmless floors she still did chores

As we laughed and said “I farted.”

And even when my sister was bad

(I never was, just ask our dad)

With grace and calm she’d slap her palm

Anywhere but on our faces.

When we got big and pubescent

She gave us the finest present

Like love and stuff, always enough

Yet gave us private spaces.

And oh the years of meals she cooked,

Though overworked and overlooked!

Oh the the years and sweat and tears

Endured by her for us! She

Will be remembered evermore,

For all of this, but even more:

She inspired my art. She’s old, but not a fart.

I end this poem thusly.

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But They Still Need Taxes?

“What comes up must come down”

My teacher told me with a frown,

But here’s a thing that I don’t get:

Why isn’t that true for government debt?

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Petty Thoughts

One Wednesday a mouse got into the house

Of the woman I love, heart and soul.

She has a cat who’s remarkably fat

But knows not its mouse-catching role.

Her friends have a pug. He’s remarkably ugly

In an adorable way.

He got rewarded because we reported

He pooped twice in the same day.

All of these pets and the prizes they get

Cannot help my heart softly wish

That just for a day I was treated the way

The people I love treat their fish.

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