Tag Archives: Easter

Also, Jesus I Guess?

Tomorrow’s a day of new life,

Promising Earth without strife

Then we hide unborn fowls

And add weight to our jowls

Then we eat the mascots with a knife.

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Almost two weeks have passed

Since the “King of the Jews”

Awoke from the dead after three days

And made international news.

After promising forgiveness

Of all humans and departing,

Mumblings of discontent

From sinners have been starting.

“I wanted to retire

“Somewhere warm,” one sinner said,

“But now I have to worry

“About grace and s**t instead.”

“I’m pissed about redemption,”

Another man commented.

“What about my right to be

“Eternally tormented?”

In fact it seems that since the day

That Jesus pulled a “Nope”

And ascended into Heaven

To give the humans hope

Everyone’s been angry.

“I’m upset,” one human mused.

Tomorrow: “Why all the good men suck”

Right here on Nightly News.

This post was sponsored in part by Serpent Apple Company. Just one bite can change your life!

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Ham Covered In Sugar, Anyone?

Easter is the day a rabbit brings

Chocolate, eggs, and other things

To all the children with rich parents

And even to the folks named Clarence.

The bunny is a major hit

Among the kids for bringing shit.

They do not know it’s master plan…

The pigs do, and they’re not a fan.

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An Eggxcellent… Oh, Nevermind…

I meant to write a verse that’s funny

Involving Jesus and a bunny.

Alas, the laughter all was cheap

And so I left without a peep.

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Egg On His Face

Judas betrayed Jesus,

Really gave him the shaft.

Judas said “YOLO,”

And Jesus just laughed.

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It’s A Matter Of Efficiency, Really

Today is Easter, as you know.

It’s also April Fool’s Day.

I think those go together

As they celebrate the way

That Jesus was all dead and stuff

And then suddenly he wasn’t.

The two holidays make sense to me

Because the whole “not dead” thing doesn’t.

What also doesn’t make much sense

Is a question of this kind:

It’s that God sacrificed himself

To appease himself I mind.

Not only that, but if it’s true

That Jesus isn’t dead

Then why not find another way

To cure one’s Godly head?

It seems if you’re omnipotent

You could just say “hey folks,

“Get your shit together”

Instead of the “oops, not dead yet” jokes.

But I am just a human

And can’t be my own son

So I’ll just eat my chocolate eggs

And let His will be done.

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Jesus, Night Owl

On the morning of the third day

Since Jesus died for our sins

He said “I waiteth to push the boulder

“Until the afternoon begins.”

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You Saw It Coming

An Easter Haiku,

‘Cause it’s obligatory.

Jesus. Bunny. Eggs.

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Easter Musings from a Heathen

Good morning Meesis
And good morning Meester,
And good morning meez for the feminists,
And Happy Easter!

It’s a day we celebrate
Jesus’s resurrection
With oviparous rabbits
And a sugar injection.

So hunt for those eggs
And hunt for that profit
And remember the Lord,
Our savior and prophet

And offer a prayer
For that great plastic hen
Who’s had her eggs stolen
Over and over again.

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