Tag Archives: Aliens

Dear Conspiracy Theorists…

Some people believe

That our world will be conquered

By satanic lizards from Mars.

To those folks I say,

“Don’t be scared… it’s okay.

“Their rulers are better than ours!”

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Thanks “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

If you ever write a story

And don’t know what’s going on

Just say that there were aliens

And your plot holes will be gone!

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ET (2016)

I’m an ugly alien

Stranded in a foreign land,

My family a universe away.

This didn’t turn out like I planned.

Now I labor day and night

To find a way to contact home.

Thanks to the help of local youth

My labors led me to a phone.

A phone, I’ve found, is a device

On which your reputation grows

By means of posting stolen jokes

And NSFW photos.

There are a million methods of

Making heard the things you say.

You can give a one-star Yelp review

But post pics of your meal anyway.

It’s easy to become burned out

By the never-ending social slog,

But if you do, why not recover

By sharing your favorite poetry blog?

I checked Foursquare for where I am.

This “Earth” has left me entertained,

But I must flee in my Uber now

Before humans dissect my brain.

Thanks for all your efforts

To enumerate my clout.

And with that said, ET phones home.

Roflol, XO, Peace out!

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Everything You Want To Know (But Were Too Scared To Ask)

Am I the only one

Who’s lonely at night,

Who drinks from the faucet,

Who doesn’t want to fight?
Am I the only one

Whose hot chocolate is made

Without any water

But instead lemonade?
Am I the only one

Whose blowholes get sore

When I inhale the air

That you buy at the store?
If you’re ever unsure

If you’re normal or weird

Know that I’m right there with you

And so is my beard.

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Abduction Impressions

Flashing purple lights.
I’m inside a UFO.
What is with that probe?

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Why Aliens Don’t Visit Anymore

Earth has too many humans,
And jupiter has too much gas.
Mercury and venus
Are much too hot to pass.

Mars just might have martians ,
And Saturn has too many rings,
And I don’t like the awful puns
Uranus always brings.

Pluto is a lovely place,
But it’s just a planetoid,
And Neptune is a neighborhood
The prudent should avoid.

I’ve flown around for years now,
But I’ve never found a place
And cool and dark and cozy
As life in outer space.

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