“Greetings fellow porpoises,”
The humpback sang at sea.
“Our pod has a new member,”
And he gestured right at me.
That sparked the two epiphanies
That in my mind had lurked:
The fact that I spoke whale,
And that my diet hadn’t worked.
Category Archives: Poems
Whale… Shucks
Filed under Poems
The Color of Night
Night fell and bruised his arm
One sunny day in June.
Day was running of light
And night had to take over soon.
Night was very nervous
And he asked “What shall I do?”
As it turns out, no one cared at all
That night was black and blue.
Bumblebee (In a Way)
You see a male bovine stand
At the corner of main street and sunny
Saying Hello, my name’s Bull A.
“May I please have some money?”
So you give some cash to the bum, Bull A,
When around the corner you do see
A second bull, begging for honey
And you know that he is Bum Bull B.
Filed under Poems
The Star Spangled Blind Date
Oh say can you see
By the fluorescent lights
That red flag you sought out
On their online profile,
That was written so well,
Focused on good highlights
But it failed to reveal
All the things that were vile.
As the waiters brings food
And your date wrecks the mood
By reciting some thoughts
That are terribly lewd.
“Oh say, did you notice
It’s getting too late for me.
“This was a very special night,”
You lie as you flee.
Filed under Poems, Songs, To the Reader
The Cheer Horde
On, two, three, four!
Kill us dead, we’ll rise once more.
Five, six, seven, eight!
Unending hunger we must sate.
Tired, hungry, cranky, dead,
We want to open up your head.
Under sun or under rains,
Go go zombies! Eat their brains!
Uuuuuuugh… ZOMBIES!
Filed under Poems
Noah Misheard
I’ve done it! I’ve built it!
The world’s greatest zoo.
Not a species is missing.
God, I did it for you.
This park is so glorious
And my heartstrings are straining.
We might even get customers
If it stops all this raining.
True Confessions (of a Unicorn)
They say you cannot fit square pegs
Into circular holes.
But a square peg isn’t inferior,
It just plays different roles.
So everyone has a job to do,
A reason they were born,
But some folks don’t fit in as well,
Like me, the unicorn.
I cannot do a lot of jobs
‘Cause I don’t have any hands,
And I don’t know jobs whose benefits
Include access to grazing lands.
So since I can’t find real work
I became a line of merchandise,
The reason you’ve never seen me
Is ’cause I walk around in disguise.
I’m satisfied with life as is,
But if I had the choice
I’d be reborn as a nazgul’s horse
‘Cause mares dig bad horse boys.
Filed under Poems
Climb Every Other Mountain
I went to climb a climbing wall
This weekend, called “The dome.”
I did decently, but I wanted
To get practice back at home.
So I stuck a spike into a wall
Intent to reach the top.
I would have made it too,
Except the building made me stop.
That’s when I learned this lesson:
If you want to climb a mountain
Practice with a non-supporting wall
On which the building is not countin’.
Filed under Poems
The Term Paper Poem
Were I to write this poem
Like an academic paper
I would start by saying what I want to say.
I would then go into the body
Of the work in which I write
What I’ve said, but in many different ways.
It goes on like this for a while,
Me saying what I’ve said
And comparing to what others said before.
Then I’d conclude this poem
By summing what I said I’d say,
And that’s why academia’s such a bore.
Filed under Poems
K Man
I think North America
Should no longer be a continent,
And should stop speaking English
Since it causes so much discontent.
We no longer bother to say “OK,”
Settling for just the second letter,
And just add “man” to any phrase
And man, that phrase gets better.
So my argument is this-
We should take this great dry land
And join back up with England, man,
As another Cayman Island.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 