When you see a chinchilla
You might think it’s a rat.
If you see a flying squirrel at night
It looks just like a bat.
You see someone laughing,
But from afar it looks like grieving.
It looks like I’ve been stalking you?
Looks are not always deceiving.
Category Archives: Poems
Looking Into Private Security
Filed under Poems
The Pillow Fight
I just wanted to buy a mattress
And maybe a duvet,
Just make a couple purchases
And then be on my way.
Alas, my shopping journey
Couldn’t just go right.
Instead I had to witness
A brutal pillow fight.
It started with some shuffling
And a bit of pillow fluffing,
But then the pillowcases came off
As they tried to show their stuffing.
Finally the fight was done,
Feathers spilt and shedding.
Next time I’ll be prepared
When I try to buy some bedding.
Filed under Poems
Raise the Corners
Just because you can
Doesn’t mean you should.
Sometimes a bit of faking it
Will lead to something good.
Take football for instance,
Fourth down and five to go.
Sure, you can punt the ball,
But it makes a lousy show.
Likewise, if with your partner
You’re perfectly free to
Wear those dirty sweatpants, but
Why not show the very best you?
So run the ball and dress the part,
And let the record show
That it’s the corners of your mouth
That show far you can go.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Boss’s Song
Whoever built this universe
Gave me a lousy deal.
I’m the world’s strongest failure,
And that’s a lousy way to feel.
See, I have a job I cannot leave
For which I am reviled,
Waiting for a protagonist
To arrive at my domicile
To strike me down with spell and steel,
And even if I win
He saved his game, and back he comes,
Our battle to begin.
If that is not a handicap
Sufficient for your taste,
My actions are predetermined.
My talents are a waste.
And so, grand noble hero
Please take this victory
And feel proud of the achievement
Of beating poor old me.
Stream of Kansas/Country Consciousness
One-hundred-ninety miles
Through amber waves of grain
Just to get to work each day
Is messing with my brain.
I thought when I moved to Kansas
To work the Dusty Trail
That I would have some peace and quiet
And time to read my mail.
Instead, I’m driving to Topeka
Inside my economy car,
Not knowing the scale of my map
Or that the “Dusty Trail” is a bar.
And yet I shan’t move closer
Just to shorten my commute,
For one can live inside the city,
But one can’t put it on “mute.”
I love this nation’s country,
Though you might look at me funny,
Yet I’d love to not be in Kansas no more
But I haven’t got the money.
Filed under Poems
Prince Chauvinist
Of all the Disney royalty
That I have had the chance to see
Cinderella would probably be
With whom the Prince would mingle.
For what is it a man must feel
To confidently seal the deal?
A wife who cleans and cooks his meal.
Guess what gals? He’s single!
Filed under Poems
Serpentjobs.com
You can’t get a job in gardening
If you are a snake.
Something about job history
And some Eve girl’s big mistake.
But I won’t let this prejudice
Go to my pointy head.
I’ll get a job in marketing
Or politics instead.
Filed under Poems
The Exterminator’s Creed
If it has two legs, I’ll greet it.
If it has four legs, that’s great.
But my favorite things have lots of legs
And a minimum of eight.
If it has two eyeballs, splendid.
One or zero is more on par,
But the more eyeballs the better
Especially if you can’t tell where they are.
It’s good that I have these preferences
Since my job title is “The Bug Guy.”
I love creepy critters in all shapes and types,
And especially making them die.
Filed under Poems
My Airport Song
I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But simply my fate.
I woke up at five in the morning,
A two hour drive to begin
To reach the airport at nine A.M
For a work flight at noon to Berlin.
I’d accounted for all the surprises
And left time for those that I missed.
Or so I thought ’til my Maggy arrived,
Her temperament thoroughly pissed.
I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was mostly my mate.
Turns out my Maggy discovered
Her darlingness wasn’t exclusive,
Though I thought I’d kept my affairs
In Germany fairly elusive.
I managed to exit by quarter to six
With a bit of my Chevy un-smashed.
At quarter past six came the sirens,
Wondering where I had been when I crashed.
I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was Officer Kate.
The cops pointed out my transmission,
Amazed at how far I had drug ‘er.
I’ve never known cables so durable
Or Maggy’s skill with a Louisville Slugger.
My taxi arrived at eleven,
My hope not entirely shattered.
The cops sold my car at an auction
To benefit the domestically battered.
I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But I made $398.
I arrived at the gate at noon-thirty
And saw my Boeing depart.
It flew off with my job and my meeting,
But it also flew off with my heart.
So I called up my sweetheart abroad
And cancelled what our evening implied.
Then I called my Maggy, two blessed hours away
And said, “Can you give me a ride?”
I stayed at the gate
Until it was late.
Thanks for listening honey.
Would you care for a date?
Summer’s Vacation
It’s a windy Autumn day
In the middle of July.
The wind blows piles of amber leaves
And I have to wonder why.
Perhaps the weather’s wardrobe
Is being washed today
And it has to wear replacement seasons
While its Summer is away.
Perhaps it’s due to climate change
And too little CO2.
If we all drive and pollute more
It’ll be warm like it’s supposed to.
And perhaps it’s just the way it is
And we should enjoy the cool.
Take some time for hiking
That might’ve been for the pool.
It’s a windy Autumn day,
But not per se a bummer.
It all depends upon how much
You love or hate the Summer.
Filed under Poems
