Tag Archives: Success

Sincerely, Asian Parents

If at first you don’t succeed

Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed

Then every day remind your kid

They need to succeed at what you never did.

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Remember When I Was A Bachelor And Wrote Funny, Cynical Stuff? Yeah… About That…

I took a nap and pet a cat

And read a book and brushed a horse

And now I write a poem about that

That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.

Some days you will stress and struggle;

Some days you’ll complain and whine.

Today I smiled and chose to snuggle

A ginger angel, mine all mine.

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Self Help Books Be Like…

If you want your life to be

Super awesome, just like me,

All you need to do is prep

Yourself to follow my five-step

Method, starting from step one

Which is to have a lot more fun.

Step two is focus on your health

To be someone of fame and wealth.

Step three is saying “no” a lot

To things like drugs and tater tots.

Step four is once a day to eat

A snake no shorter than forty feet.

Step five is to make your bed.

Congrats! Now work until you’re dead.

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Some people bought the story

Of pursuing fame and glory,

Of health and wealth and growing,

Running forward, never slowing.

I see those people every day,

Each burned out in their own way,

Faces lined by years and hassle;

I laugh inside my cardboard castle.

They are knights in shining armor,

Not satisfied to be a farmer,

Dying for causes another chose;

My armor is purple pillows.

They fight over feelings they never said,

Fighting a thought they’ve trapped in their head

For fear if people knew what they thought

They’d be revealed as someone not doing so hot.

I know I’m a no-one, and no I don’t care

As I play in my sandbox in fresh autumn air.

Maybe you mock me, but maybe you doubt;

After all, what if fun is what life’s all about?

What if the crusaders, celebrities, kings

Understand medals are just metal things?

What if they know, but their leisure depends

On you staying tired and having no friends?

Do you want to know if enough is enough,

If the pain doesn’t pay for the meaningful stuff?

Care to discover if your dreams can come true?

My castle has enough space to fit two…

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When You Feel Invisible At Your Job

Shinji-San, as your boss

It is my job to say

I haven’t seen you working

Since at least last Saturday.

I haven’t seen you punching in,

I haven’t heard your voice,

And so I called you in today

Because I have no choice…

I’m giving you a pay raise

And your choice of special perk.

You’re a fantastic ninja

And I hope to see less good work.

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Conversation with a Stranger

We interrupt your daily dose of terrible poetry/jokes that rhyme because then I can justify them as poems…

Where was I? Oh yeah…

To bring you something that made my day better.

So there I was, bored, so I logged onto Omegle.com

For those unaware, Omegle is a website where random people meet up and chat about random things. After several conversations that went about as well as you’d think, given it’s two random people chatting about nothing, and several conversations that were robots trying to sell me porn before disconnecting, I ran across a better than average stranger.

The following is the complete and unedited transcript of our conversation. If you enjoy this sort of content, let me know. I’ll do whatever I want either way… I just like hearing from you!

(Clears throat)

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH HONG KONG AGAINST THE CCP!

You: Are you a porn robot? : )

You: I hipe not

You: Hope not

You: 10 of those in a row lol

Stranger: No

Stranger: I’m not typing that shitbol

You: (Sigh of relief)

Stranger: M?

Stranger: F?

You: 26, M, USA

You: You?

Stranger: 18 m usa

You: Did you vote?

Stranger: No wasn’t able too

You: Ah… didn’t miss much : )

Stranger: Yeah honestly lol

You: Save that first vote for someone decent…

You: But then you’d never vote lol

Stranger: Yeah lol

Stranger: I mean right now they both seem pretty bad

You: Yeah, that’s been my experience

You: There’s usually someone tolerable in a third party that stands no chance

Stranger: Yeah you have to be either republican or democrat to win

You: Yep

You: By the people, for the people…

Stranger: Yeah

You: THomas had never before seen such b*********

Stranger: I mean it could be worse lol

You: Yeah, we’re not North Korea

You: We’re fed

You: We’re alive

You: Life is good

Stranger: Yeah that’s a good way to see it

You: Are you in high school, or free from all that?

Stranger: No communism lol

You: Big no to communism : )

Stranger: Just graduated a few months back

You: Ah, congratulations!

Stranger: Eh

Stranger: It didn’t feel like it honestly

You: Feel like what?

Stranger: It didn’t feel like a graduation

Stranger: Kinda was just sad

You: Oh, true…

You: Did they just pass everyone?

Stranger: No

Stranger: Just felt alone

You: That’s fair at least

You: When you’re 80 you can share this dismal tale with your fellow crones though

You: So there’s that

Stranger: ….

Stranger: Fair point but I don’t like having regret

You: Maybe you could organize a reunion or something

You: And actually have a ceremony

Stranger: No I rather not

You: I get that : )

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Why you on here?

You: Wanted to talk to someone new

Stranger: Good point

You: Bored with fake people, so anonymous people can be honest

You: Weird, but true

You: Orat least they seem honest

Stranger: Yeah lol I know what you mean

Stranger: I try to be honest when I can

You: You can really say anything here and there are no downsides

You: So why not be honest?

Stranger: Yeah why not

Stranger: Well

Stranger: What do you like to do?

You: I love pretty much any type of game…

You: I like music, acting, artsy stuff

Stranger: Sounds like someone I know

You: I LOVE teaching, but that’s my job

Stranger: Your a teacher?

You: Yeah, private music teacher

Stranger: …

Stranger: I won’t say anything lol

You: Poor and happy : )

Stranger: Yeah teachers are underrated

You: Good teachers are

Stranger: Yeah good teachers

You: All I really remember about high school and college are the good teachers

You: Not the content…

You: Just the teachers

You: And a few girls I screwed it up with, but hey

Stranger: I’ve already screwed up with one

You: It’s a good start

Stranger: ….

You: Honestly, it hurts but it’s worth it

Stranger: How’s it worth it?

You: Every time I drive certain places or do cerain things

You: I remember how it was with one girl

You: It’s the sort of genuine relationship that you can’t have with any old friend

You: Most of my relationships haven’t been that deep, but every once in a while…

You: THe happiest memories are with people you love

Stranger: Yeah, they honestly are

Stranger: I just lost a genuine relationship

You: Your choice or hers?

You: Or mutual?

Stranger: Her

You: Or his, I guess

Stranger: I wasn’t the best

You: No teenage guys are, honestly

You: I sure wasn’t

You: And I was one of the good ones lol

Stranger: I know but I really tried

Stranger: But I just broke I guess

Stranger: I got to clingy

You: It just makes sense

You: When you love them, you want to be with them

You: You’re lucky to learn it early

Stranger: It makes me sad

You: It’s good you can say that and feel that

You: Forget being macho

You: It’s healthy to be honest with yourself

Stranger: Yeah it is

You: What was she like?

Stranger: She was

Stranger: Really cute, her personality was adorable, artsy was so loving wanted to always cuddle me

Stranger: Her personality matched with mine oddly enough

Stranger: Met the family too

Stranger: She also loved video games

You: Sounds like a keeper : )

Stranger: ;—;

You: What changed?

Stranger: At the end I just got to clingy and she started to lose feelings

You: How long ago was this?

Stranger: And I was starting to be mean and started to get more jealous

Stranger: 6 months ago

Stranger: We stopped talking so yeah

Stranger: Well she did

You: Might be worth just sending a text… not to get back together, just to say hi

Stranger: I rather not..

You: Tell her you met a weird stranger online and he got you thinking about her

You: Worst case scenario, nothing changes

You: Best case, you can be friends

Stranger: Yeah and that hurts the most

You: And it’s worth having a genuine friend

Stranger: Heard she’s been talking to another guy

You: Of course she is!

Stranger: A friend told me so yeah

You: If she’s great, she’ll be looking

Stranger: Wdym?

You: If she quit talking to you and never met anyone else, that’d be a bad sign

You: Maybe she was depressed or something

You: If she’s talking to other guys, it means she’s still healthy and social

You: And you want her to be in good health and good spirits

Stranger: Yeah I do

Stranger: She was a sad girl

You: Don’t give up on her just because she moved on

You: But don’t be pushy

You: Give her value and ask nothing in return

Stranger: I’m just trying to move on

You: That’s fair too

Stranger: I don’t think she wants to talk honestly

Stranger: I sent her text on the Fourth of July she ghosted me so yeah

You: I’m just using you as a bit of a proxy for younger me

You: If I’d known what I know now, I might be a dad by now lol

Stranger: Bruh I’m not trying to be one yet

Stranger: Well..

You: You shouldn’t be : )

Stranger: With her.. I might of been

You: You’ve got plenty of time

You: Exactly!

You: You say you don’t like regrets

You: This is a chance to triumph over life

You: And there’s no consequence to failure

Stranger: I mean

Stranger: Death can be a consequence to failure lol

You: Does she murder people who text her memes?

You: Might be a red flag… : )

Stranger: No she loved memes

You: Exactly

You: When you find a good one, maybe every two or three months, email her

You: And don’t ask for or expect a reply

You: You want to give her value

You: And stay on her mind

You: Boyfriends come and go

You: Good men don’t

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Wow

Stranger: That’s the best advice I’ve heard about this honesty

You: Thank you

You: I’m glad to have suffered so I can see it from a different viewpoint

You: I wish I’d kept in touch with some girls, but I was too scared

You: Or figured they’d be annoyed

Stranger: Yeah

You: She needed space, and you gave it to her

You: Love isn’t a state of being… it’s an action

You: You can move on, but don’t feel like you have to

Stranger: Yeah

You: Anyway, I’ll shut up : )

Stranger: But idk I’ve had some bad experiences with women

You: I’d hope so!

Stranger: ;—;

You: Most women aren’t worth the chase, frankly

Stranger: Your very optimistic lol

You: That’s why you chase the good ones

You: I try : )

Stranger: It’s kinda hard to know which ones a good one

Stranger: But yeah that’s true

You: True

You: And for a long time the good ones don’t show it

You: ‘Cause they’re scared of being honest

You: They don’t want to be rejjected as people

You: But they’re okay being rejected as a facade

You: So they act fake as a security mechanism

You: If you can put aside your fear and be yourself, you’ll get rejected a lot

You: But you’ll find the real thing

You: If you fake it, you never will

You: So I’d encourage you to be selflessly yourself and pursue what you love

Stranger: That’s some pretty good advice

Stranger: I mean I believe in parts of that too

Stranger: I’ve always tried to be my real self to people

Stranger: And she loved it too even it showed my bad sides too

You: So you made one mistake, albeit a big one

You: If you attack her with “It’s not my fault,” then it is your fault

You: But if she’s worth it, she’ll appreciate your ammends

Stranger: I never did

You: Exactly

Stranger: A lot of it was my fault and I told her that

You: That’s a great first step

Stranger: And always apologized

You: That makes you better than 90% of humans ever

You: You took responsibility

Stranger: She had an issue with sorrys because she always thought she did something wrong

Stranger: I always tried to make her feel better and tried to make her feel better

Stranger: I just had a stroke

You: Actually laughing out loud now : )

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: But I would comfort her a lot

You: I don’t know if you’re religious, but I want to share a thought about prayer… bear with me : )

You: A lot of people think prayer doesn’t work

You: So I ask what God they pray to

Stranger: I’m not religious but I don’t mind prayers

You: They pray to a God they don’t believe in to ask for things they think can’t happen

You: And they’re shocked when it doesn’t work

You: YOU are the God of your own life

You: If you believe in yourself and ask for things you believe can happen…

You: They will

You: Rant over : )

Stranger: Hm yeah i mean I’m a Buddhist those beliefs are somewhat similar

You: I wish I could think of a non-religious analogy that says the same thing

Stranger: Nah religious analogy’s are pretty good

You: But basically… You get what you pursue if you pursue it long enough… or you die, and then you don’t mind ’cause you’re dead

You: I’d rather die having tried my utmost

You: Than live knowing I quit on something or someone important

Stranger: You know I’ve been in a slump lately

You: How so?

Stranger: Just lost and don’t know what to do

You: Welcome to 18-26 : )

You: Probably longer

You: This is the puberty of the spirit

Stranger: I mean I want to go to college and get a degree in psychology

Stranger: Get fit, start reading more, find more hobbies other than gaming

Stranger: But I feel just demotivated all the time

Stranger: Yeah I know it happens but I don’t like it.

You: Good!

You: If you like where you’re at, you’re dead

You: If you do nothing with life, you’re dead

You: Bcaus you aren’t living

You: And yet here you are, with the knowlege of what you want

You: And the greatest opportunity in the world to pursue it

Stranger: I mean isn’t it written in the constitution

Stranger: The pursuit of happiness

You: Exactly!

You: You have alkl the right answer : )

You: Have you applied to colleges?

Stranger: I did

Stranger: Idk I think I might go to a community college


You: You’re a king lol

You: GO to the easiest community college you can

You: Take the easiest classes you can

You: And spend all of your effort learning about psychology

You: YOu will learn little to nothing of value from most colleges

You: So spend the easy years educating yourself

You: Send letters to authors and professors

You: Buy them lunch and ask them questions

You: Be your own teacher

You: And by the time you transfer to a University, you will be friends with experts

You: And more qualified than 99% of graudates before you even start

You: In the meantime, starting when we end this conversation, do a pushup

You: One pushup

You: Not more

You: Tomorrow, do two

You: Then three the next day

Stranger: About the workout

You: DO them in multiple parts, or on your knees…

You: Whatever it takes

Stranger: I somewhat already do

You: Good!

You: Do it every day

You: Never skip

Stranger: Idk when I first found out about her I started working out four hours a day

You: And did you burn out?

Stranger: I almost died lol

You: I can’t imagine : ) I can barely do two hours and I’m in decent shape

Stranger: Idk Im out of shape

Stranger: I honestly don’t know how I did it


You: If you want it, it happens

You: If you keep wanting it, it keeps happening

You: Comfort is your enemy

Stranger: But my bed is warm

You: Yes

Stranger: Sho warm lol

You: If I were half the man you are, I’d throw out my bed

You: Which is better? A warm bed, or the life you always dreamed of?

Stranger: I mean I can have both if I try hard enough

You: Sure

You: But make the warm bed the reward for the quest

You: If you get the bed first, you never go on the journey

Stranger: A warm bed in a life I dreamed of

You: And you’ll have it

You: The bed is easy, it’s comfy, it’s warm, it makes you happy

You: Why wouldn’t you want it?

You: But you don’t want ONLY it, right?

You: If you do, congratulations! You’re done! You win!

You: Life is easy forever

Stranger: Weird

Stranger: I want easy but at the same time I don’t

You: You like easy

You: You want good

You: Good disguise itself as easy as a trap

You: If you settle for easy, you’ll become me

You: Happy, content, poor, and regretful

You: And it’s fine

You: You’ll be normal

You: But in the next two or three years of your life you can change yourself

You: What’s hard now only gets harder

You: What’s hard now may be impossible in ten years

You: Live while you can

Stranger: Yeah and that scares me

Stranger: I wanna do a lot of stuff already when I’m young

You: Normalcy?

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: And no

You: Honestly, if you don’t get addicted to something or kill someone, your life will be fine

You: The floor is very high

You: You just have the potential for a high ceiling as well

You: Every day the ceiling gets lower

You: But if you work at something, you pursue something you love, it waits

You: I’m going to log off now

Stranger: It was nice talking to youu

You: You’re going to do a pushup and buy a book on psychology

Stranger: Thank you stranger

You: Send an email to a professor at a school you applied to

You: And keep an eye out for something your girl will smile at

Stranger: I hope your life goes well and I hope you continue to be happy

You: I’m quite confident it will!

You: Thanks stranger!

Stranger: Yeaaah

Stranger: Imma save this conversation

You: Me too : )

You have disconnected.

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Learn to be Successful with these 3 Simple Tricks

How to be Successful

When I was a young lad of about three hours younger than I am as I write this, I dreamed of becoming the Tetris World Champion. Shortly thereafter I realized I was bad at Tetris, didn’t really like Tetris, and was already very good at being a broke, shut-in virgin who writes poetry for a living.

In less than a day, I accomplished more than many people do in their entire lifetimes: I gave up on a stupid idea and moved on. That being accomplished, I realized my true calling is writing self-help essays for a few dozen people on the internet who think I’m occasionally funny (and my parents).

The text you are reading at the moment has been written, stared at, erased, rewritten, sneered at, re-erased, and so on many times, so I’ll just get to the point:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Read it again, but in bold:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:

Say you’ve just had a long day. You’re tired, hungry, cranky, possibly sweaty, and definitely just want to go home, eat empty calories, and masturbate while you watch true crime shows. As you’re walking down the street, you come upon a person who is standing neutrally and doing nothing in particular. This is a person with plentiful free time, a lack of unattractive blemishes, seemingly-effortless nonchalance, and you hate them.

Imagine now the same scenario, but the person you see is fat, ugly, extremely rich, and kissing your significant other on the hood of your car (which has been destroyed in a freak forklift accident while you were blinking). You hate this person too, and will likely be physically or verbally aggressive toward them. The nondescript person nearby has not even drawn your notice, and has thus been upgraded from an object of hatred and derision to a not-unpleasant bit of scenery.

The nondescript person has achieved tremendous success not through their action, struggle, inherent virtue, divine mandate, or any other exclusive or difficult condition. They achieved it by being less bad (and therefor marginally better) at something common (existing) than someone else.

Alas, we are not often so fortunate as to be constantly in the presence of public displays of romantic infidelity and simultaneous realization of property damage when faced with unpleasant people in our lives. To compensate, I suggest any of the following tactics.

Tactic 1: Hang out in unpleasant places.

Most people like to be happy and comfortable. Most people, while in unpleasant places, are not happy and comfortable, and thus will leave. That said, there are enough people who hang out in unpleasant places with such frequency and consistency that these places garner a reputation for being unpleasant.

Imagine then that you, being one to frequent these nasty niches of the world, invite a friend (or just happen to encounter someone, for those of you with no friends) to join you in your unpleasant meeting place of choice. Your hypothetical acquaintance joins you (likely a person of poor taste, given you’re still reading this), and would normally be inclined to think of you as a person of poor taste. Then they see a mostly-nondescript-but-slightly-unpleasant-in-a-”can’t-put-my-finger-on-it”-sort-of-way person violently assault a second party who was displaying amorous inclinations on an abandoned vehicle. Your hypothetical acquaintance suggests you find a new place to meet, you agree, and you are no longer considered a person with questionable tastes. In fact, you are someone agreeable with whom your hypothetical acquaintance shares something in common.

Tactic 2: Shut Up

If someone is talking, they are having a good time. Sane people speak when people are present, and generally to engage with another person (creating a pleasant atmosphere) or break an awkward silence (avoiding discomfort). If you are talking, other (sane) people are not, unless you are arguing, in which case your fellow arguer likely does not think of you in a good light. If you are silent, someone else will almost certainly begin to talk, which makes them happy. If you continue to be silent, a third party will probably speak. Now you are part of a conversation between happy people who (being sane) will immediately recognize you as the root cause of their happiness and shower you with praise (to which you should not respond, obviously).

Tactic 3: Read bad poetry, and encourage others to do the same

Let’s assume things that are good are good, things that are bad are not, and things that are neutral can sometimes cause irrational rage if not accompanied by gratuitous sexuality and automobile wreckage.

All in agreement? Good!

Given our assumptions, reading bad poetry will make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, which will make otherwise insignificant things that might otherwise cause you stress to be ignored. You’re used a pawn to capture a rook, so to speak.

Now, having eliminated many minor stresses for one large, rhyming one, you share some of these bad poems with a friend (or hypothetical randomly-encountered individual). That individual, if sane, will think you a person of poor taste, and never contact you again. After several repetitions of these events, you will be entirely alone, therefore eliminating most reasons for talking. When you don’t talk, you will by necessity shut up. When you shut up, people will like you. When people like you, you can invite them to join you in unpleasant places.

Need I say more?

In conclusion (as University has taught me I must declare before ending an essay), being successful can be achieved quite easily through a few counter-intuitive tactics. Any lack of success on your part can be eliminated by being less happy, less comfortable, and spending more time and money consuming bad poetry. If all else fails, make friends with people in troubled relationships and buy (or steal) a forklift.

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An Unexpected Goal

Somewhere there’s a recipe,

Solutions for your life,

A walkthrough to your victory,

An antidote to strife.

Today I build a fire

To light me on the trail

To find instead the recipe

Detailing how to fail.

If there is a flawless guide

Describing how to win

It cannot be of value

To those who look within.

To pass without a challenge

And to win what can’t be lost…

What value is a victory

Attained without a cost?

No master has deficiency;

No one has conquered failing.

My torch shines bright in search of plight.

Here’s hope for stormy sailing!

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The Event Of A Lifetime

They hosted a party

On the banks of the Styx

For the vice-presidents

And the second-round picks,

The guys who won silver,

Who went out with a flicker,

And all the cheerleaders

Who dated the kicker.

They hosted a party

For the closely defeated

To celebrate those

Who quite nearly succeeded.

I was invited

But stayed home instead

‘Cause I hadn’t stopped trying

And wasn’t yet dead.

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Normalcy Is Discouraged

If a thing is worth the work

Required to do it well

Then it is also worth the time

To be lousy as Hell.

If you hunt and fight and sing

And miss and lose and cry

You’ve far surpassed the many

Who were too afraid to try.

The losers of the universe

Die proudly in the sand,

Pleased to bear their battle scars

With dirt upon their hand.

There are no failures in the world

Of doing what’s worthwhile,

For both the best and all the rest

Have earned the right to smile.

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