Tag Archives: Success

Learn to be Successful with these 3 Simple Tricks

How to be Successful

When I was a young lad of about three hours younger than I am as I write this, I dreamed of becoming the Tetris World Champion. Shortly thereafter I realized I was bad at Tetris, didn’t really like Tetris, and was already very good at being a broke, shut-in virgin who writes poetry for a living.

In less than a day, I accomplished more than many people do in their entire lifetimes: I gave up on a stupid idea and moved on. That being accomplished, I realized my true calling is writing self-help essays for a few dozen people on the internet who think I’m occasionally funny (and my parents).

The text you are reading at the moment has been written, stared at, erased, rewritten, sneered at, re-erased, and so on many times, so I’ll just get to the point:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Read it again, but in bold:

The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.

Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:

Say you’ve just had a long day. You’re tired, hungry, cranky, possibly sweaty, and definitely just want to go home, eat empty calories, and masturbate while you watch true crime shows. As you’re walking down the street, you come upon a person who is standing neutrally and doing nothing in particular. This is a person with plentiful free time, a lack of unattractive blemishes, seemingly-effortless nonchalance, and you hate them.

Imagine now the same scenario, but the person you see is fat, ugly, extremely rich, and kissing your significant other on the hood of your car (which has been destroyed in a freak forklift accident while you were blinking). You hate this person too, and will likely be physically or verbally aggressive toward them. The nondescript person nearby has not even drawn your notice, and has thus been upgraded from an object of hatred and derision to a not-unpleasant bit of scenery.

The nondescript person has achieved tremendous success not through their action, struggle, inherent virtue, divine mandate, or any other exclusive or difficult condition. They achieved it by being less bad (and therefor marginally better) at something common (existing) than someone else.

Alas, we are not often so fortunate as to be constantly in the presence of public displays of romantic infidelity and simultaneous realization of property damage when faced with unpleasant people in our lives. To compensate, I suggest any of the following tactics.

Tactic 1: Hang out in unpleasant places.

Most people like to be happy and comfortable. Most people, while in unpleasant places, are not happy and comfortable, and thus will leave. That said, there are enough people who hang out in unpleasant places with such frequency and consistency that these places garner a reputation for being unpleasant.

Imagine then that you, being one to frequent these nasty niches of the world, invite a friend (or just happen to encounter someone, for those of you with no friends) to join you in your unpleasant meeting place of choice. Your hypothetical acquaintance joins you (likely a person of poor taste, given you’re still reading this), and would normally be inclined to think of you as a person of poor taste. Then they see a mostly-nondescript-but-slightly-unpleasant-in-a-”can’t-put-my-finger-on-it”-sort-of-way person violently assault a second party who was displaying amorous inclinations on an abandoned vehicle. Your hypothetical acquaintance suggests you find a new place to meet, you agree, and you are no longer considered a person with questionable tastes. In fact, you are someone agreeable with whom your hypothetical acquaintance shares something in common.

Tactic 2: Shut Up

If someone is talking, they are having a good time. Sane people speak when people are present, and generally to engage with another person (creating a pleasant atmosphere) or break an awkward silence (avoiding discomfort). If you are talking, other (sane) people are not, unless you are arguing, in which case your fellow arguer likely does not think of you in a good light. If you are silent, someone else will almost certainly begin to talk, which makes them happy. If you continue to be silent, a third party will probably speak. Now you are part of a conversation between happy people who (being sane) will immediately recognize you as the root cause of their happiness and shower you with praise (to which you should not respond, obviously).

Tactic 3: Read bad poetry, and encourage others to do the same

Let’s assume things that are good are good, things that are bad are not, and things that are neutral can sometimes cause irrational rage if not accompanied by gratuitous sexuality and automobile wreckage.

All in agreement? Good!

Given our assumptions, reading bad poetry will make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, which will make otherwise insignificant things that might otherwise cause you stress to be ignored. You’re used a pawn to capture a rook, so to speak.

Now, having eliminated many minor stresses for one large, rhyming one, you share some of these bad poems with a friend (or hypothetical randomly-encountered individual). That individual, if sane, will think you a person of poor taste, and never contact you again. After several repetitions of these events, you will be entirely alone, therefore eliminating most reasons for talking. When you don’t talk, you will by necessity shut up. When you shut up, people will like you. When people like you, you can invite them to join you in unpleasant places.

Need I say more?

In conclusion (as University has taught me I must declare before ending an essay), being successful can be achieved quite easily through a few counter-intuitive tactics. Any lack of success on your part can be eliminated by being less happy, less comfortable, and spending more time and money consuming bad poetry. If all else fails, make friends with people in troubled relationships and buy (or steal) a forklift.

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An Unexpected Goal

Somewhere there’s a recipe,

Solutions for your life,

A walkthrough to your victory,

An antidote to strife.

Today I build a fire

To light me on the trail

To find instead the recipe

Detailing how to fail.

If there is a flawless guide

Describing how to win

It cannot be of value

To those who look within.

To pass without a challenge

And to win what can’t be lost…

What value is a victory

Attained without a cost?

No master has deficiency;

No one has conquered failing.

My torch shines bright in search of plight.

Here’s hope for stormy sailing!

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The Event Of A Lifetime

They hosted a party

On the banks of the Styx

For the vice-presidents

And the second-round picks,

The guys who won silver,

Who went out with a flicker,

And all the cheerleaders

Who dated the kicker.

They hosted a party

For the closely defeated

To celebrate those

Who quite nearly succeeded.

I was invited

But stayed home instead

‘Cause I hadn’t stopped trying

And wasn’t yet dead.

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Normalcy Is Discouraged

If a thing is worth the work

Required to do it well

Then it is also worth the time

To be lousy as Hell.

If you hunt and fight and sing

And miss and lose and cry

You’ve far surpassed the many

Who were too afraid to try.

The losers of the universe

Die proudly in the sand,

Pleased to bear their battle scars

With dirt upon their hand.

There are no failures in the world

Of doing what’s worthwhile,

For both the best and all the rest

Have earned the right to smile.

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Wheb Dreabs Cobe True

As a kid I brushed my teeth

And dreamt of hockey fame.

I knew I’d be the greatest guy

To ever play the game.

I’d pass and score and block and fight

And win for many reasons

And earn a dozen Stanley Cups

And play for forty seasons!

So, four years old, I tied my skates

And pulled on my first sweater

And grabbed a stick and shin guards

Determined to get better.

I played left wing ’til high school

Then swapped to play the right.

I shot and passed and blocked a lot

And even had a fight!

I went to play in the NHL

And was drafted thirty-second.

The success that I’d achieved

Was better than I reckoned.

For sixteen years I scored the goals

And dropped the gloves and won.

I never got a Stanley Cup

But I had lots of fun!

And now I sleep, a different man,

Amidst the moonlit hush

Without the need for childish dreams

And without teeth to brush.

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You Have It, But You Choose How

I share with you a secret

That you think cannot be true:

That everything to ever be

Exists solely for you,

That every book and every shell

And every coin and bill

And every star and sunrise

And every sloping hill

Exist as in a melody

From one eternal voice,

That you might seek to claim them

Through your only power: choice.

For if you choose to value wealth

Then wealth you will attain

Through labor, luck, investment,

Or through theft and threat of pain.

Perhaps you value honesty

And see all worldly truth,

Or perhaps you choose your body,

To sustain the light of youth.

But though the universe is yours

You cannot hold a star

For the heat of it would burn you up

(And also, it’s too far).

So too, if wealth should pass you by

Or youth and strength should wane

That too’s the gift of everything

Preventing unseen pain.

So if you wish to value

That which pleases most of all,

Don’t wish for that which others give

(Or to be six feet tall)

But choose to value where you are,

To dream only to be,

And you shall live in paradise

For all eternity.

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How To Fail Less

If at first you don’t succeed

Find out who has made it so

Then stab that person ’til they bleed

And on to victory you’ll go.

This strategy has proven good

Historically for folks who are male

But wait! Do it not you should

If you cause yourself to fail.

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My Angsty Years

Somewhere around fifth grade

I asked myself why

I should work to make money

‘Til I get sick and die.

So I sought counter-culture,

Tried to listen to rap

But found “counter-culture”

Espoused the same crap.

Fight club was edgy

But I don’t like fighting.

MGTOW was compelling

But I’m fond of white-knighting.

So here I was, trapped

Between primness and zeal

Before I found out

That’s what most people feel.

The thug life chose me

But because I abhor it

I friend-zoned the thug life

And we’re both better for it.

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At Least “Epic Fails” Are Epic

There is no good or evil,

Just what we like or don’t.

Nothing is impossible,

Only what we will or won’t.

For every fearful sceptic

Who says “Man cannot fly”

There is Wright or Icarus

Who’s laughing from the sky.

You’ll be blessed with many Yeses

For every worldly No.

Will you risk Youtube infamy

To give your dream a go?

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The Flavor Of “Winning”

For a moment I sat there

With blood on my hands

Smearing life on my white-bread toast

In a room all alone

With inanimate friends

In a halfway house built for a ghost.

My Ferrari was mired

In a 90-hour week

When I needed just 12 to survive

But I’d long since stopped living

For the privilege of being

Among the elite few who can thrive.

The child in the basement

Was calling for daddy

‘Til its fat little throat had gone raw

And yet I was too busy

Helping others to join me

To notice my life had a flaw.

But if I’d payed attention,

Tasted a tomato

Or felt a moth land in my hair,

Just walked outside barefoot

Or put salt in my coffee

I’d realize somehow I still care.

I care about family.

I care about freedom.

I don’t need this bottle and pill.

And maybe that baby

Will say “taste the tomato”

And if I haven’t yet died then I will.

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