If at first you don’t succeed
Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed
Then every day remind your kid
They need to succeed at what you never did.
If at first you don’t succeed
Find a doctor or lawyer with which to breed
Then every day remind your kid
They need to succeed at what you never did.
Filed under Poems
I took a nap and pet a cat
And read a book and brushed a horse
And now I write a poem about that
That’s precisely eight lines long, of course.
Some days you will stress and struggle;
Some days you’ll complain and whine.
Today I smiled and chose to snuggle
A ginger angel, mine all mine.
Filed under Poems
If you want your life to be
Super awesome, just like me,
All you need to do is prep
Yourself to follow my five-step
Method, starting from step one
Which is to have a lot more fun.
Step two is focus on your health
To be someone of fame and wealth.
Step three is saying “no” a lot
To things like drugs and tater tots.
Step four is once a day to eat
A snake no shorter than forty feet.
Step five is to make your bed.
Congrats! Now work until you’re dead.
Filed under Poems
Some people bought the story
Of pursuing fame and glory,
Of health and wealth and growing,
Running forward, never slowing.
I see those people every day,
Each burned out in their own way,
Faces lined by years and hassle;
I laugh inside my cardboard castle.
They are knights in shining armor,
Not satisfied to be a farmer,
Dying for causes another chose;
My armor is purple pillows.
They fight over feelings they never said,
Fighting a thought they’ve trapped in their head
For fear if people knew what they thought
They’d be revealed as someone not doing so hot.
I know I’m a no-one, and no I don’t care
As I play in my sandbox in fresh autumn air.
Maybe you mock me, but maybe you doubt;
After all, what if fun is what life’s all about?
What if the crusaders, celebrities, kings
Understand medals are just metal things?
What if they know, but their leisure depends
On you staying tired and having no friends?
Do you want to know if enough is enough,
If the pain doesn’t pay for the meaningful stuff?
Care to discover if your dreams can come true?
My castle has enough space to fit two…
Filed under Poems
Shinji-San, as your boss
It is my job to say
I haven’t seen you working
Since at least last Saturday.
I haven’t seen you punching in,
I haven’t heard your voice,
And so I called you in today
Because I have no choice…
I’m giving you a pay raise
And your choice of special perk.
You’re a fantastic ninja
And I hope to see less good work.
Filed under Poems
We interrupt your daily dose of terrible poetry/jokes that rhyme because then I can justify them as poems…
Where was I? Oh yeah…
To bring you something that made my day better.
So there I was, bored, so I logged onto Omegle.com
For those unaware, Omegle is a website where random people meet up and chat about random things. After several conversations that went about as well as you’d think, given it’s two random people chatting about nothing, and several conversations that were robots trying to sell me porn before disconnecting, I ran across a better than average stranger.
The following is the complete and unedited transcript of our conversation. If you enjoy this sort of content, let me know. I’ll do whatever I want either way… I just like hearing from you!
(Clears throat)
You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH HONG KONG AGAINST THE CCP!
You: Are you a porn robot? : )
You: I hipe not
You: Hope not
You: 10 of those in a row lol
Stranger: No
Stranger: I’m not typing that shitbol
You: (Sigh of relief)
Stranger: M?
Stranger: F?
You: 26, M, USA
You: You?
Stranger: 18 m usa
You: Did you vote?
Stranger: No wasn’t able too
You: Ah… didn’t miss much : )
Stranger: Yeah honestly lol
You: Save that first vote for someone decent…
You: But then you’d never vote lol
Stranger: Yeah lol
Stranger: I mean right now they both seem pretty bad
You: Yeah, that’s been my experience
You: There’s usually someone tolerable in a third party that stands no chance
Stranger: Yeah you have to be either republican or democrat to win
You: Yep
You: By the people, for the people…
Stranger: Yeah
You: THomas had never before seen such b*********
Stranger: I mean it could be worse lol
You: Yeah, we’re not North Korea
You: We’re fed
You: We’re alive
You: Life is good
Stranger: Yeah that’s a good way to see it
You: Are you in high school, or free from all that?
Stranger: No communism lol
You: Big no to communism : )
Stranger: Just graduated a few months back
You: Ah, congratulations!
Stranger: Eh
Stranger: It didn’t feel like it honestly
You: Feel like what?
Stranger: It didn’t feel like a graduation
Stranger: Kinda was just sad
You: Oh, true…
You: Did they just pass everyone?
Stranger: No
Stranger: Just felt alone
You: That’s fair at least
You: When you’re 80 you can share this dismal tale with your fellow crones though
You: So there’s that
Stranger: ….
Stranger: Fair point but I don’t like having regret
You: Maybe you could organize a reunion or something
You: And actually have a ceremony
Stranger: No I rather not
You: I get that : )
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: Why you on here?
You: Wanted to talk to someone new
Stranger: Good point
You: Bored with fake people, so anonymous people can be honest
You: Weird, but true
You: Orat least they seem honest
Stranger: Yeah lol I know what you mean
Stranger: I try to be honest when I can
You: You can really say anything here and there are no downsides
You: So why not be honest?
Stranger: Yeah why not
Stranger: Well
Stranger: What do you like to do?
You: I love pretty much any type of game…
You: I like music, acting, artsy stuff
Stranger: Sounds like someone I know
You: I LOVE teaching, but that’s my job
Stranger: Your a teacher?
You: Yeah, private music teacher
Stranger: …
Stranger: I won’t say anything lol
You: Poor and happy : )
Stranger: Yeah teachers are underrated
You: Good teachers are
Stranger: Yeah good teachers
You: All I really remember about high school and college are the good teachers
You: Not the content…
You: Just the teachers
You: And a few girls I screwed it up with, but hey
Stranger: I’ve already screwed up with one
You: It’s a good start
Stranger: ….
You: Honestly, it hurts but it’s worth it
Stranger: How’s it worth it?
You: Every time I drive certain places or do cerain things
You: I remember how it was with one girl
You: It’s the sort of genuine relationship that you can’t have with any old friend
You: Most of my relationships haven’t been that deep, but every once in a while…
You: THe happiest memories are with people you love
Stranger: Yeah, they honestly are
Stranger: I just lost a genuine relationship
You: Your choice or hers?
You: Or mutual?
Stranger: Her
You: Or his, I guess
Stranger: I wasn’t the best
You: No teenage guys are, honestly
You: I sure wasn’t
You: And I was one of the good ones lol
Stranger: I know but I really tried
Stranger: But I just broke I guess
Stranger: I got to clingy
You: It just makes sense
You: When you love them, you want to be with them
You: You’re lucky to learn it early
Stranger: It makes me sad
You: It’s good you can say that and feel that
You: Forget being macho
You: It’s healthy to be honest with yourself
Stranger: Yeah it is
You: What was she like?
Stranger: She was
Stranger: Really cute, her personality was adorable, artsy was so loving wanted to always cuddle me
Stranger: Her personality matched with mine oddly enough
Stranger: Met the family too
Stranger: She also loved video games
You: Sounds like a keeper : )
Stranger: ;—;
You: What changed?
Stranger: At the end I just got to clingy and she started to lose feelings
You: How long ago was this?
Stranger: And I was starting to be mean and started to get more jealous
Stranger: 6 months ago
Stranger: We stopped talking so yeah
Stranger: Well she did
You: Might be worth just sending a text… not to get back together, just to say hi
Stranger: I rather not..
You: Tell her you met a weird stranger online and he got you thinking about her
You: Worst case scenario, nothing changes
You: Best case, you can be friends
Stranger: Yeah and that hurts the most
You: And it’s worth having a genuine friend
Stranger: Heard she’s been talking to another guy
You: Of course she is!
Stranger: A friend told me so yeah
You: If she’s great, she’ll be looking
Stranger: Wdym?
You: If she quit talking to you and never met anyone else, that’d be a bad sign
You: Maybe she was depressed or something
You: If she’s talking to other guys, it means she’s still healthy and social
You: And you want her to be in good health and good spirits
Stranger: Yeah I do
Stranger: She was a sad girl
You: Don’t give up on her just because she moved on
You: But don’t be pushy
You: Give her value and ask nothing in return
Stranger: I’m just trying to move on
You: That’s fair too
Stranger: I don’t think she wants to talk honestly
Stranger: I sent her text on the Fourth of July she ghosted me so yeah
You: I’m just using you as a bit of a proxy for younger me
You: If I’d known what I know now, I might be a dad by now lol
Stranger: Bruh I’m not trying to be one yet
Stranger: Well..
You: You shouldn’t be : )
Stranger: With her.. I might of been
You: You’ve got plenty of time
You: Exactly!
You: You say you don’t like regrets
You: This is a chance to triumph over life
You: And there’s no consequence to failure
Stranger: I mean
Stranger: Death can be a consequence to failure lol
You: Does she murder people who text her memes?
You: Might be a red flag… : )
Stranger: No she loved memes
You: Exactly
You: When you find a good one, maybe every two or three months, email her
You: And don’t ask for or expect a reply
You: You want to give her value
You: And stay on her mind
You: Boyfriends come and go
You: Good men don’t
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: Wow
Stranger: That’s the best advice I’ve heard about this honesty
You: Thank you
You: I’m glad to have suffered so I can see it from a different viewpoint
You: I wish I’d kept in touch with some girls, but I was too scared
You: Or figured they’d be annoyed
Stranger: Yeah
You: She needed space, and you gave it to her
You: Love isn’t a state of being… it’s an action
You: You can move on, but don’t feel like you have to
Stranger: Yeah
You: Anyway, I’ll shut up : )
Stranger: But idk I’ve had some bad experiences with women
You: I’d hope so!
Stranger: ;—;
You: Most women aren’t worth the chase, frankly
Stranger: Your very optimistic lol
You: That’s why you chase the good ones
You: I try : )
Stranger: It’s kinda hard to know which ones a good one
Stranger: But yeah that’s true
You: True
You: And for a long time the good ones don’t show it
You: ‘Cause they’re scared of being honest
You: They don’t want to be rejjected as people
You: But they’re okay being rejected as a facade
You: So they act fake as a security mechanism
You: If you can put aside your fear and be yourself, you’ll get rejected a lot
You: But you’ll find the real thing
You: If you fake it, you never will
You: So I’d encourage you to be selflessly yourself and pursue what you love
Stranger: That’s some pretty good advice
Stranger: I mean I believe in parts of that too
Stranger: I’ve always tried to be my real self to people
Stranger: And she loved it too even it showed my bad sides too
You: So you made one mistake, albeit a big one
You: If you attack her with “It’s not my fault,” then it is your fault
You: But if she’s worth it, she’ll appreciate your ammends
Stranger: I never did
You: Exactly
Stranger: A lot of it was my fault and I told her that
You: That’s a great first step
Stranger: And always apologized
You: That makes you better than 90% of humans ever
You: You took responsibility
Stranger: She had an issue with sorrys because she always thought she did something wrong
Stranger: I always tried to make her feel better and tried to make her feel better
Stranger: I just had a stroke
You: Actually laughing out loud now : )
Stranger: Lol
Stranger: But I would comfort her a lot
You: I don’t know if you’re religious, but I want to share a thought about prayer… bear with me : )
You: A lot of people think prayer doesn’t work
You: So I ask what God they pray to
Stranger: I’m not religious but I don’t mind prayers
You: They pray to a God they don’t believe in to ask for things they think can’t happen
You: And they’re shocked when it doesn’t work
You: YOU are the God of your own life
You: If you believe in yourself and ask for things you believe can happen…
You: They will
You: Rant over : )
Stranger: Hm yeah i mean I’m a Buddhist those beliefs are somewhat similar
You: I wish I could think of a non-religious analogy that says the same thing
Stranger: Nah religious analogy’s are pretty good
You: But basically… You get what you pursue if you pursue it long enough… or you die, and then you don’t mind ’cause you’re dead
You: I’d rather die having tried my utmost
You: Than live knowing I quit on something or someone important
Stranger: You know I’ve been in a slump lately
You: How so?
Stranger: Just lost and don’t know what to do
You: Welcome to 18-26 : )
You: Probably longer
You: This is the puberty of the spirit
Stranger: I mean I want to go to college and get a degree in psychology
Stranger: Get fit, start reading more, find more hobbies other than gaming
Stranger: But I feel just demotivated all the time
Stranger: Yeah I know it happens but I don’t like it.
You: Good!
You: If you like where you’re at, you’re dead
You: If you do nothing with life, you’re dead
You: Bcaus you aren’t living
You: And yet here you are, with the knowlege of what you want
You: And the greatest opportunity in the world to pursue it
Stranger: I mean isn’t it written in the constitution
Stranger: The pursuit of happiness
You: Exactly!
You: You have alkl the right answer : )
You: Have you applied to colleges?
Stranger: I did
Stranger: Idk I think I might go to a community college
You: STILL THE RIGHT ANSWERS!
You: You’re a king lol
You: GO to the easiest community college you can
You: Take the easiest classes you can
You: And spend all of your effort learning about psychology
You: YOu will learn little to nothing of value from most colleges
You: So spend the easy years educating yourself
You: Send letters to authors and professors
You: Buy them lunch and ask them questions
You: Be your own teacher
You: And by the time you transfer to a University, you will be friends with experts
You: And more qualified than 99% of graudates before you even start
You: In the meantime, starting when we end this conversation, do a pushup
You: One pushup
You: Not more
You: Tomorrow, do two
You: Then three the next day
Stranger: About the workout
You: DO them in multiple parts, or on your knees…
You: Whatever it takes
Stranger: I somewhat already do
You: Good!
You: Do it every day
You: Never skip
Stranger: Idk when I first found out about her I started working out four hours a day
You: And did you burn out?
Stranger: I almost died lol
You: I can’t imagine : ) I can barely do two hours and I’m in decent shape
Stranger: Idk Im out of shape
Stranger: I honestly don’t know how I did it
You: YOU WANTED IT
You: If you want it, it happens
You: If you keep wanting it, it keeps happening
You: Comfort is your enemy
Stranger: But my bed is warm
You: Yes
Stranger: Sho warm lol
You: If I were half the man you are, I’d throw out my bed
You: Which is better? A warm bed, or the life you always dreamed of?
Stranger: I mean I can have both if I try hard enough
You: Sure
You: But make the warm bed the reward for the quest
You: If you get the bed first, you never go on the journey
Stranger: A warm bed in a life I dreamed of
You: And you’ll have it
You: The bed is easy, it’s comfy, it’s warm, it makes you happy
You: Why wouldn’t you want it?
You: But you don’t want ONLY it, right?
You: If you do, congratulations! You’re done! You win!
You: Life is easy forever
Stranger: Weird
Stranger: I want easy but at the same time I don’t
You: You like easy
You: You want good
You: Good disguise itself as easy as a trap
You: If you settle for easy, you’ll become me
You: Happy, content, poor, and regretful
You: And it’s fine
You: You’ll be normal
You: But in the next two or three years of your life you can change yourself
You: What’s hard now only gets harder
You: What’s hard now may be impossible in ten years
You: Live while you can
Stranger: Yeah and that scares me
Stranger: I wanna do a lot of stuff already when I’m young
You: Normalcy?
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: And no
You: Honestly, if you don’t get addicted to something or kill someone, your life will be fine
You: The floor is very high
You: You just have the potential for a high ceiling as well
You: Every day the ceiling gets lower
You: But if you work at something, you pursue something you love, it waits
You: I’m going to log off now
Stranger: It was nice talking to youu
You: You’re going to do a pushup and buy a book on psychology
Stranger: Thank you stranger
You: Send an email to a professor at a school you applied to
You: And keep an eye out for something your girl will smile at
Stranger: I hope your life goes well and I hope you continue to be happy
You: I’m quite confident it will!
You: Thanks stranger!
Stranger: Yeaaah
Stranger: Imma save this conversation
You: Me too : )
You have disconnected.
Filed under Uncategorized
How to be Successful
When I was a young lad of about three hours younger than I am as I write this, I dreamed of becoming the Tetris World Champion. Shortly thereafter I realized I was bad at Tetris, didn’t really like Tetris, and was already very good at being a broke, shut-in virgin who writes poetry for a living.
In less than a day, I accomplished more than many people do in their entire lifetimes: I gave up on a stupid idea and moved on. That being accomplished, I realized my true calling is writing self-help essays for a few dozen people on the internet who think I’m occasionally funny (and my parents).
The text you are reading at the moment has been written, stared at, erased, rewritten, sneered at, re-erased, and so on many times, so I’ll just get to the point:
The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.
Read it again, but in bold:
The best way to be successful is to be marginally better at some common things than someone else.
Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean:
Say you’ve just had a long day. You’re tired, hungry, cranky, possibly sweaty, and definitely just want to go home, eat empty calories, and masturbate while you watch true crime shows. As you’re walking down the street, you come upon a person who is standing neutrally and doing nothing in particular. This is a person with plentiful free time, a lack of unattractive blemishes, seemingly-effortless nonchalance, and you hate them.
Imagine now the same scenario, but the person you see is fat, ugly, extremely rich, and kissing your significant other on the hood of your car (which has been destroyed in a freak forklift accident while you were blinking). You hate this person too, and will likely be physically or verbally aggressive toward them. The nondescript person nearby has not even drawn your notice, and has thus been upgraded from an object of hatred and derision to a not-unpleasant bit of scenery.
The nondescript person has achieved tremendous success not through their action, struggle, inherent virtue, divine mandate, or any other exclusive or difficult condition. They achieved it by being less bad (and therefor marginally better) at something common (existing) than someone else.
Alas, we are not often so fortunate as to be constantly in the presence of public displays of romantic infidelity and simultaneous realization of property damage when faced with unpleasant people in our lives. To compensate, I suggest any of the following tactics.
Tactic 1: Hang out in unpleasant places.
Most people like to be happy and comfortable. Most people, while in unpleasant places, are not happy and comfortable, and thus will leave. That said, there are enough people who hang out in unpleasant places with such frequency and consistency that these places garner a reputation for being unpleasant.
Imagine then that you, being one to frequent these nasty niches of the world, invite a friend (or just happen to encounter someone, for those of you with no friends) to join you in your unpleasant meeting place of choice. Your hypothetical acquaintance joins you (likely a person of poor taste, given you’re still reading this), and would normally be inclined to think of you as a person of poor taste. Then they see a mostly-nondescript-but-slightly-unpleasant-in-a-”can’t-put-my-finger-on-it”-sort-of-way person violently assault a second party who was displaying amorous inclinations on an abandoned vehicle. Your hypothetical acquaintance suggests you find a new place to meet, you agree, and you are no longer considered a person with questionable tastes. In fact, you are someone agreeable with whom your hypothetical acquaintance shares something in common.
Tactic 2: Shut Up
If someone is talking, they are having a good time. Sane people speak when people are present, and generally to engage with another person (creating a pleasant atmosphere) or break an awkward silence (avoiding discomfort). If you are talking, other (sane) people are not, unless you are arguing, in which case your fellow arguer likely does not think of you in a good light. If you are silent, someone else will almost certainly begin to talk, which makes them happy. If you continue to be silent, a third party will probably speak. Now you are part of a conversation between happy people who (being sane) will immediately recognize you as the root cause of their happiness and shower you with praise (to which you should not respond, obviously).
Tactic 3: Read bad poetry, and encourage others to do the same
Let’s assume things that are good are good, things that are bad are not, and things that are neutral can sometimes cause irrational rage if not accompanied by gratuitous sexuality and automobile wreckage.
All in agreement? Good!
Given our assumptions, reading bad poetry will make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy, which will make otherwise insignificant things that might otherwise cause you stress to be ignored. You’re used a pawn to capture a rook, so to speak.
Now, having eliminated many minor stresses for one large, rhyming one, you share some of these bad poems with a friend (or hypothetical randomly-encountered individual). That individual, if sane, will think you a person of poor taste, and never contact you again. After several repetitions of these events, you will be entirely alone, therefore eliminating most reasons for talking. When you don’t talk, you will by necessity shut up. When you shut up, people will like you. When people like you, you can invite them to join you in unpleasant places.
Need I say more?
In conclusion (as University has taught me I must declare before ending an essay), being successful can be achieved quite easily through a few counter-intuitive tactics. Any lack of success on your part can be eliminated by being less happy, less comfortable, and spending more time and money consuming bad poetry. If all else fails, make friends with people in troubled relationships and buy (or steal) a forklift.
Filed under To the Reader
Somewhere there’s a recipe,
Solutions for your life,
A walkthrough to your victory,
An antidote to strife.
Today I build a fire
To light me on the trail
To find instead the recipe
Detailing how to fail.
If there is a flawless guide
Describing how to win
It cannot be of value
To those who look within.
To pass without a challenge
And to win what can’t be lost…
What value is a victory
Attained without a cost?
No master has deficiency;
No one has conquered failing.
My torch shines bright in search of plight.
Here’s hope for stormy sailing!
Filed under Poems
They hosted a party
On the banks of the Styx
For the vice-presidents
And the second-round picks,
The guys who won silver,
Who went out with a flicker,
And all the cheerleaders
Who dated the kicker.
They hosted a party
For the closely defeated
To celebrate those
Who quite nearly succeeded.
I was invited
But stayed home instead
‘Cause I hadn’t stopped trying
And wasn’t yet dead.
Filed under Poems
If a thing is worth the work
Required to do it well
Then it is also worth the time
To be lousy as Hell.
If you hunt and fight and sing
And miss and lose and cry
You’ve far surpassed the many
Who were too afraid to try.
The losers of the universe
Die proudly in the sand,
Pleased to bear their battle scars
With dirt upon their hand.
There are no failures in the world
Of doing what’s worthwhile,
For both the best and all the rest
Have earned the right to smile.
Filed under Poems