Treatises, essays,
And the plural of syllabus.
These are things
I am not gonna miss,
But to be totally honest
I’ll miss walking to classes
Behind those yoga pants girls
With their beautiful… chassis.
In Anticipation of Graduation
Filed under Poems
Overheard at Bring Your Dad to School Day
I’m not just a logger;
I’m a matchmaker for trees.
See, how life goes for them
Is one arbor sees
The love of their life
Just a few feet away,
And they spend their time loving
Each other all day.
After a while
What these trees want so much
Is to lean over a little
And let their bodies touch,
So I whop out my chainsaw
And bring that love to fruition.
It makes me feel good
And it pays her tuition.
Filed under Poems
Re-Deeming Qualities
Oft was Bob deemed
A fellow quite proper
‘Til the day he was stopped
By a motorcycle copper
Who issued of a ticket
Worth two hundred and four
For speeding. Now Bob
Is deemed proper no more.
Filed under Poems
The Importance of Play
It’s good to be a kid
Like all of us once did,
And I think we really ought to do it more,
‘Cause maturity’s alright,
And the world may be a fright,
But without some fun it’s nothing but a bore.
So kick and throw a ball or dirt
And play until your muscles hurt
And smile and laugh until your face quits its obedience.
You’ve got all the time you need,
To work and sleep and breed,
So try to play today, with great expedience.
American RPGs
I’d only just been conceived
When, as an adult, I found
I was in a prison, filled with rats
So deep and underground.
I was modestly unclothed,
Armed with club and knife,
And destined by narrative necessity
To live an extraordinary life.
The rats were slain,
I leveled up,
Taking my first sip
Of combat’s cup,
And the rest, they say
Is history.
So it is in every
RPG.
Filed under Poems
The Drone Wars
So a guy tries to deliver
A bomb via a drone,
But is unable to do the deed.
What if he’d followed through
And the the plan was completed?
There’s only one conclusion. We need:
Anti-drone drones!
An unmanned defense
Against those unmanned bombers who fly.
All that’s required
Is a trillion or so
And the want for a drone-colored sky.
Overreacting? Maybe a bit,
But I wouldn’t be surprised by it.
Filed under Poems
The Giant
I met a man
Sixteen feet high,
And I assumed he played basketball.
Turns out he
Was a car salesman
Who blows in the wind by the mall.
Filed under Poems
An American Funeral
Here lies Harry,
Who was hard to carry
To this six-foot deep apartment,
For he was a foodie
With a sizable bootie
And a never-full food compartment.
And that is why at his side
During the funeral I abide,
To provide my final gift,
For from Harry’s acquaintances
I’m the guy who works maintenances,
So I was chosen to drive the forklift.
Filed under Poems
One Double Scoope of Love
‘Twas my 22nd Summer alone
When I met my love in a waffle cone.
She was sweet and brown and cool
And for her I was a fool.
I was but white, and sort of bland,
But still my love did take my hand.
Although we were of separate classes,
We both appealed to the masses.
And so I asked her for her name,
And sweet, of course, her answer came.
“I am lady Chocoliette,
But I do not know your name yet.”
“My name,” I said, “Is Vanillio,
And I think I’ve fallen in love with yo.”
We shared a kiss and some saturated fat,
Then some kid ate us, and that was that.
Thus ends the tale of Chocoliette
And her beloved Vanillio,
Who had a pretty decent life
As star-crossed lovers go.
Backstory to a Refusal to Climb
Have you ever climbed a tree
Just to see what you could see,
And found halfway up that big-leaf maple
You’d climbed as high as you were able,
Then to your horror and surprise,
You looked down and realize
You’ve climbed too high to climb back down
And beneath you is a bear, all strong and brown?
And so you sit for an hour, then two
Hoping that the bear will shoo.
This may or may not have happened to me,
But either way, I’m not climbing that tree.
Filed under Poems
