Post-Alcohol Observations

This isn’t common, but it’s not just me
Who takes joy in sobriety,
For when the laughter is all done
I want to remember how I had fun,

And in life’s most joyous times
Like reading books and writing rhymes
A fluid ounce of honesty
Will always beat a pint in me.

For what is it we must obscure
To resort to boozing as our cure?
Fear of being seen as us?
Why should such things cause a fuss?

So give up fear and give up lies
(It’s easier than you might surmise)
And live a life, joyful, true.
Live a life with sober you.

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Little Kraken Declares His Love

I hunted for the Red October
But only found the blue.
I know it ‘s only second best,
But I brought it here for you.

I left it on your doorstep
‘Cause it seemed a reasonable spot.
Too bad your boat was so tiny,
But hey, you can buy another yacht.

I just want to see you smile
And hug you with all eight arms.
I’ll try to be oh-so-gentle,
But sometime I do harms.

I love you sailor, yes I do.
Can’t you love this kraken too?

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Poetry for Dummies

A description of a setting
The lonely artist loves.
Introduce the poem’s subject
Rhyming with the line aboves.
Introduce a conflict,
But done with exquisite taste,
Then end it with a poignant line
And highlight, copy, paste.

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Just a Thot

I sigh at silent letters,
‘Cause they seem unnecessary,
Though I imagine it’s even more rough
If your name is Ptolemy.

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Whipper Snapper

Timmy was a cheerful slave
Who snapped his fingers all day long
He could not sing or whistle or dance
But his walking and snapping were their very own song.

Paul, he was a slave driver
Who snapped only his whip.
He didn’t want to hear music
Nor any back-talking lip.

Timmy and Paul were rivals of sorts,
Trying to out-snap the other,
Paul whipped and screamed, Timmy snapped and dreamed
And neither cried “Uncle” or “Mother.”

And Paul’s arm got tired
Of all the abuse
And forced the whipper
To stop its use,

But Timmy’s hands
Never wore out
For his snaps gave him strength
Paul knew nothing about.

So which man was the slave?
The snapper serene
Or the whipper, obsessed
With the need to be mean?

No man is a slave
If he choose not to be,
For the consent of the oppressed
Is what makes a slave be.

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Earth Day

Earth Day is when we celebrate
The trees and birds and tectonic plates
By watching these things on TV
And killing any bugs we see.

Let’s do as we did in days of yore
When we would watch the eagles soar
And dance and sing out in the rain?
No, I’d rather play Candy Crane.

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Bathroom Humor

There’s a couch in the girl’s room
And hot towels for the guys.
They ladies have to line up,
Men need to watch for urinal spies.

The ladies room is ten feet long,
The mens is ten feet wide,
So I guess that the porcelain
Is always whiter on the other side.

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Easter Musings from a Heathen

Good morning Meesis
And good morning Meester,
And good morning meez for the feminists,
And Happy Easter!

It’s a day we celebrate
Jesus’s resurrection
With oviparous rabbits
And a sugar injection.

So hunt for those eggs
And hunt for that profit
And remember the Lord,
Our savior and prophet

And offer a prayer
For that great plastic hen
Who’s had her eggs stolen
Over and over again.

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Why Aliens Don’t Visit Anymore

Earth has too many humans,
And jupiter has too much gas.
Mercury and venus
Are much too hot to pass.

Mars just might have martians ,
And Saturn has too many rings,
And I don’t like the awful puns
Uranus always brings.

Pluto is a lovely place,
But it’s just a planetoid,
And Neptune is a neighborhood
The prudent should avoid.

I’ve flown around for years now,
But I’ve never found a place
And cool and dark and cozy
As life in outer space.

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Crime and Optimism

I was a thief
In ancient times
When the punishments
Fit the crimes.

I finally was caught
Making ransom demands
And a guy with an ax
Chopped off my hands.

It hurt in the moment,
And my stumps were quite sore,
But I don’t have to worry
About caught red-handed anymore.

Even better than that
Was going to my patents’s place
And saying “look ma, no hands!”
Ah, the look on her face.

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