Do I say I’m 5’11”
To seem as if I’m honest?
Do I say that I’m 6-foot-1
Because that is the truth?
Do I say that I’m 6-foot-3
‘Cause you’ll subtract two inches?
Or do I just say F*** it
And come off as uncouth?
Tag Archives: Dating
Being Tall
Filed under Poems
Maybe I Should Quit Looking Online
My perfect girl is tallish,
Between 4’6″ and 6’11”.
She’s morally relatable,
Bound for either Hell or Heaven.
My perfect girl has two eyeballs,
Or maybe one or three.
They could be green or blue or brown
Or red. It’s all good for me.
My perfect girl has some fingers
And a near-equal number of toes.
I’m sorry that I have to be picky
But she must have fewer than two torsoes.
My perfect girl comes in all shapes
Yet all I seem to find
Are the 7’0″ five-yellow-eyed, limbo-bound, poly-torsoed
Asymnetrically-finger/toed kind.
Love In The Time Of #YesAllWomen
He offers a sideways glance.
She says “I have a boyfriend.”
Because of the the few, so many
Potential friendships this way end.
Filed under Poems
Dating an Introvert
When you ask me if I’d like
To come inside and have a drink
I must admit I am unsure of
Just what I’m supposed to think.
For if you wish to offer me
Some decaf, juice, or tea
And chat a while and then retire
That sounds alright to me.
If you’re friendly invitation
Is an amorous innuendo
I’ll be flattered. Nonetheless
I’ll respectfully decline though.
And when, to the inviter,
These truths I clearly state
I get to home home early
And needn’t have a second date.
Honest Guy Problems
“What’s your favorite body part?”
The online survey said.
I wrote “chest hair.” I’m a guy,
And thus my empty bed.
Filed under Poems
I Like An Easy Read
I’ve discovered I’m a psychic.
It’s really pretty slick!
If found out when my lover
Thought “I hope he’s not psychic.”
Well that relationship
Ended on an ironic note
When I shouted “ha ha, I am!”
And that was all she wrote…
Being a psychic in the dating pool
Is fun, to say the least.
I know which gal’s have hearts of gold
And which have infected yeast.
Now the mind of every man
Is a delightfully simple thing,
Like Indiana Jones
And the temple of “do I buy a ring?”
A woman’s mind is more complex
Like the tale of War and Peace
But from an eagle’s point of view
And written in Taiwanese.
I’ve gotten used to psychic life
And find a girl I may,
But when it comes to reading minds
I think I’m kinda gay.
Filed under Poems
If So, You’re Doomed
If I were born with tentacles
Sticking out of my head
At first I’d think my life was rather sad,
But I could meet a pretty squid
And maybe have a kid
And then it wouldn’t be nearly as bad.
So if you have no limbs
Or an extra toe or two
Don’t worry. You’ll find love for sure!
You’ll find the one, I guarantee
Unless you are like me,
That is: online, honest, and five-foot four.
Filed under Poems
He Takes Rejection Well
Cows stampede and lemings leap.
Dogs will chase that herd of sheep.
Boys will be boys and socks be darned.
Bad baby horses will be sent to their barn.
Lines will be crossed and drawn in the sand.
Books by this poet will someday be banned.
A tree will fall and turn into a log,
And Saturday she has to walk her friend’s dog.
Filed under Poems
Linguistically Correct
I went to the movies
With a hefty bag
Of detritus, garbage, and junk
Because you told me
To take out the trash.
This was the date up which I thunk.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 