Imagine a world where nobody
Has a butt of any kind:
Nobody would ever poop again
And nobody’d ask “But why?”
Pants wouldn’t be near as popular
And gym girls would work on their pecs
And some guys would probably fantasize
About lasses with the jiggliest necks.
No one would horde toilet paper
And fart jokes just wouldn’t exist
And I could go on, but I think my point
Has been made just with this little list.
Filed under Poems
If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
Filed under Poems
If in the glade that no one hears
There falls a silent tree
One asks oneself: Would a hipster
Try to buy the tree’s CD?
Given the same scenario
Of the silent fallen tree
How long would they call it racist
On MSNBC?
Filed under Poems
If everyone were just like me
The world would fall apart.
There’d be a passive love of science
But in practice only art.
There’d be a lot of people
Who don’t care what’s thought of them
When they’re writing crummy poems
At 10:08 PM.
There would be no magicians
(Or at least that are any good)
But everyone’s intentions
Would be perfectly understood.
If everyone were just like me
Very little would get done
But we’d be the best looking clones since Star Wars
And we’d have lots of understated fun.
Filed under Poems
A world without adjectives
Would suck
But it wouldn’t be bad
Would blow
But it wouldn’t be sad
Would eat your soul
But not in a negative way.
A world without adverbs
Things happen,
People run
Other people run
Some are faster
But we’ll never know which.
A world without verbs
Blue, stagnant,
Highly descriptive,
Shorter than previous stanzas.
A world without nouns
Write this if you dare.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I wonder if the gods
Are playing “Fantasy Earth,”
Which is just like fantasy football
But for those of divine birth.
I like to think that up above
Something that’s divine
Is checking out my karma stat
And knowing that I’m fine.
Divine intervention
Might influence your fate,
But it’s just a way to win the league
For a thunder god named Nate.
So here’s to being MVP
If things don’t go amiss.
I really hope I don’t get benched
For having written this.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 