Tag Archives: Hypothetical

No Butts About It

Imagine a world where nobody

Has a butt of any kind:

Nobody would ever poop again

And nobody’d ask “But why?”

Pants wouldn’t be near as popular

And gym girls would work on their pecs

And some guys would probably fantasize

About lasses with the jiggliest necks.

No one would horde toilet paper

And fart jokes just wouldn’t exist

And I could go on, but I think my point

Has been made just with this little list.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

But Please Don’t

If I were a flamingo, um…

You wouldn’t be reading this poem.

If I were a beaver

You wouldn’t be reading it either.

If I were a yak

You’d have the last 10 seconds back.

But alas I am a human

So if you want to sue me, you can.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

On Trees That Fall Where No One Can Hear Them

If in the glade that no one hears

There falls a silent tree

One asks oneself: Would a hipster

Try to buy the tree’s CD?

Given the same scenario

Of the silent fallen tree

How long would they call it racist


Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

But The Beards Would Be… Sorta Okay?

If everyone were just like me

The world would fall apart.

There’d be a passive love of science

But in practice only art.

There’d be a lot of people

Who don’t care what’s thought of them

When they’re writing crummy poems

At 10:08 PM.

There would be no magicians

(Or at least that are any good)

But everyone’s intentions

Would be perfectly understood.

If everyone were just like me

Very little would get done

But we’d be the best looking clones since Star Wars

And we’d have lots of understated fun.


Filed under Poems

Why Grammar Matters

A world without adjectives

Would suck

But it wouldn’t be bad

Would blow

But it wouldn’t be sad

Would eat your soul

But not in a negative way.

A world without adverbs

Things happen,

People run

Other people run

Some are faster

But we’ll never know which.

A world without verbs

Blue, stagnant, 

Highly descriptive,

Shorter than previous stanzas.

A world without nouns

Write this if you dare.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Fantasy Earth

Sometimes I wonder if the gods

Are playing “Fantasy Earth,”

Which is just like fantasy football

But for those of divine birth.

I like to think that up above

Something that’s divine

Is checking out my karma stat

And knowing that I’m fine.

Divine intervention

Might influence your fate,

But it’s just a way to win the league

For a thunder god named Nate.

So here’s to being MVP

If things don’t go amiss.

I really hope I don’t get benched

For having written this.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems