I always thought I was the type of pig
Who built his house of bricks,
But on my online dating profile
I referred to women as “chicks.”
I don’t know how I’ll find true love,
After dropping such a bomb.
I guess the fire that burned my bridge
Started with a match.com
If I had a tuxedo
Made of golden water
Whose glamor under starlight
Has not been equaled yet
You would find it in my closet
Hidden in the darkness,
For when I don tuxedoes
I do not want to get wet.
So bedecked in wool and cotton
I dream of yonder maid unknown,
Her gown a golden fountain.
On her my heart is set.
And I think of my tuxedo
Growing stagnant on its hook
Because its owner fears the chance
Of some unearned regret.
I hope my fountain is patient
For the tuxedo she hasn’t met.
Filed under Poems
Elle was a klutz
And Sam was a flake.
They met at the annual
Cookie bake.
Sam showed up late
Looking to eat,
And when Elle saw him
She swept herself off her feet.
Their eyes met for a moment,
That’s just how things go,
And the two of them bonded
Over raw cookie dough.
The flake fed his klutz
And the klutz fed her fella
The raw-eggy dough.
‘Twas the love of Sam and Ella.
Filed under Poems
All day in the stables
Fighting straw dummies,
Shining our armor,
And tending our steeds
Preparing to rescue
Some distressing damsel
Who hasn’t a care
That we also have needs.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
To work for the purpose
Of rescuing you,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
We put on brave faces
And ride o’er the kingdom
To locate princesses
Who’ll soon be our wives.
Thus is our duty,
Our privilege as princes,
And the entire purpose
Of our royal lives.
We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
Thinking of ways
To be noble and true,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?
Out broad shoulders need to be cried on.
Our arms need somebody to hold.
We need your assurance that love will be ours
When we’re fat, wrinkled, pervy, and old.
And so we will ride o’er the kingdom
With our perfectly coiffed princely do,
With the hope that we’ll save
The darlings we crave
Who know princes need rescuing too.
Frodo carried Sauron’s ring
Through Middle Earth to Mordor.
My second cousin Marty hosts
A smuggling ring across the border.
I fell in love, in a ring of fire,
Though you bug me all to heck.
Now it’s a question of “put a ring on it”
Or just to wring your neck.
It doesn’t take a PhD
To see just what you do to me.
Sometimes I want an MBA
To manage all I want to say.
I feel the need for an MD
Whenever I feel your caress.
I hope that you love me enough
To tolerate this man’s BS.
Filed under Poems
A young ostrich nun
Walked into a bar
And met a young emu
With two dozen eggs.
She had been looking
For young souls to teach,
And he for a chick with long legs.
So she squawked and he flirted
And showed her his cartons
And she buried her habited
Head in the sand.
And both of them left,
Neither one satisfied.
Neither one left a tip for the band.
The very next day
The ostrich logged in
To FlightlessBirdsMingle.com
Where she sought others
With broods to be won.
The emu just hired a madame.
Filed under Poems
I’ve fallen in love, which traps me
Between a hard place and a rock
‘Cause she’s a sandals type of girl
And I… Well, I’m a sock.
Filed under Poems
I’m not the kind to kiss and tell,
Which is why this poem is short.
Filed under Poems
I was once in love,
A simple kind of joy
That occurred exclusively
Between a girl and boy.
Then another woman
Caught my vagrant eye,
And a triangle evolved
From what once was you and I.
But you had strayed as well,
And our love became a square.
I knew this would be easier
If we would clear the air.
As it so happened I fell in love
With only my original,
While you loved all three other corners
Although it was conditional,
And our other pair both fell in love
With us and with each other,
And I find we all are desired
By none other than my mother.
And thus my air-clearing venture
Cleared things up a lot
For it revealed our love pretzel,
Alexander’s loving knot.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 