Tag Archives: Fairy Tales

I’m Not Advocating Kidnapping, But…

We once had damsels in distress

And knights to ride to their aid.

Although the knights and damsels are gone

The distress somehow has stayed.

As the all-knowing poet

I have a solution of course:

We need more women who love dragons

And fewer men who own a horse.

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Feminist Fairy Tales

Once upon a time

There lived a lovely dame

Who got stolen by a dragon

Which she thought was pretty lame.

No one came to rescue her

Cause didn’t need no man.

The princes stayed at home

And got flabby eating flan.

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He’s Not Bashful About It

Let me tell the tale

Of the dwarf defined as Doc.

He was a man with paultry poultry

(Which is to say a tiny cock).

He’d be off to work each morning

With a high-ho and a pick

And he’d strike at stones much harder

Than his diminutive dwarven dick.

A princess came to stay with him

Despite her inhibitions.

Three days later she ate poison

Rather than stay in such conditions.

His beard is limp. His head is bald.

His eyes are beige and lumpy.

Since I’ve run out of insults

I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.

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The Mother-In-Law Speaks

Her skin was white and milky

Like a lump of unchurned butter.

Her hair was soft and silky

Like a smooth something-or-utter.

She lived with seven midgets

With ironic, mood-based names.

She gave me a case of the fidgets

And set my life aflame…

Bitch.

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Princes Need Rescuing Too

All day in the stables
Fighting straw dummies,
Shining our armor,
And tending our steeds
Preparing to rescue
Some distressing damsel
Who hasn’t a care
That we also have needs.

We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
To work for the purpose
Of rescuing you,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?

We put on brave faces
And ride o’er the kingdom
To locate princesses
Who’ll soon be our wives.
Thus is our duty,
Our privilege as princes,
And the entire purpose
Of our royal lives.

We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
Thinking of ways
To be noble and true,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?

Out broad shoulders need to be cried on.
Our arms need somebody to hold.
We need your assurance that love will be ours
When we’re fat, wrinkled, pervy, and old.

And so we will ride o’er the kingdom
With our perfectly coiffed princely do,
With the hope that we’ll save
The darlings we crave
Who know princes need rescuing too.

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