Tag Archives: Mistakes

Why IT Folks Have The Best Job Security

You hear me say, you hear me holler:

“Another day, another dollar.”

My boss says hey, my boss says “So,

“We bought a bot. You got to go.”

So I reply, so I concur:

“I don’t know why, but I guess sure.”

Then I left with a smile, since

My boss bought the bot from a Nigerian prince.

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Trust The Science

A while ago, a farmer

Would be thought a cause of harm

If he didn’t use asbestos

To fireproof his farm.

A while ago a woman

Who was pregnant and upset

Was told her pain would go away

With a tasty cigarette.

A while ago a baby

Was calm as calm could be,

Unbothered by those nasty flies

Thanks to some DDT.

They told them “Trust the science”

And “You’re selfish to abstain.”

So here we watch as history

Repeats itself again.

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Saving At The Pump

I met a lady buying gas

Who said her name was Penny.

There were ladies prettier,

But surely not too many.

As she was about to finish

Putting gas into her car

I saw her pull a lighter out

To ignite a cigar.

I rushed over and tackled her

Before the fire could start.

I explained why such a plan

Was neither safe nor smart.

I wish I could say that she

Would one day be my wife

Because I had wits quick enough

To save my Penny’s life…

But alas, the very next day

I wasn’t there, and she burned.

At least her cremation was free;

A Penny saved, a Penny urned.

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Live and Learn

When I was five years old I thought

That I was pretty strong

Until I tried to lift my dad

And found out I was wrong.

When I was fifteen I figured

That I was pretty suave

Until I learned that suave’s a word

That doesn’t rhyme with “shave.”

When I was twenty five I thought

That I was pretty smart

Until I turned my car key

And the engine didn’t start.

And I suspect at thirty five

And forty five and older

The things I saw in my mind’s eye

I’ll see as a beholder.

I just hope at ninety

Or whenever death will dial

I’ll remember all the times I erred

Then look ahead and smile.

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Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!

The Jedi Order’s been around

For many thousands of years

And made a lot of laser swords

They didn’t give their peers.

These laser swords cut anything

Except each other, it seems,

And they block laser guns and stuff

And red ones oft cause screams.

My question for the Jedi,

Who claim to be guardians of peace,

Is why they never thought to make

An armor made of these?

A suit of laser armor

That blocks all forms of harm

Would prevent a lot of Jedi who

So often lose an arm,

As well as making everyone

Invulnerable to violence.

The only downside I can see

Is that the world would no longer have silence…

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How I Choose To Put Stuff In My Body

You know those ads that run late at night

Where the guy tells you how to solve life

By eating one teaspoon of Stuff every day.

After all, it’s how he found his wife

Even though he was homeless and 300 pounds

And rodents were all he digested

Until he discovered a miracle cure

That one night he just manifested.

It’s a powder with maca, ginseng, beluga,

Alabaster, carnuba, and chives

And though the FDA says it’s not tested at all

It will change many millions of lives!

Well the guy selling Stuff that the FDA doubts

Saying it will make everything great

Has the same credentials as the Covid vaccine

Which is why I personally hesitate.

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Ode To A Misplaced Pineapple

Some days you are happy

And some days not so much,

Like when you’re buying groceries

Like bread and fruit and such,

And you put a bag down

And unbeknownst to you

A pineapple falls out upon

A chair not in your view.

Later, when you’re tired

From putting food away

You sigh and stretch and yawn

And then you murmur, “What a day.”

Some days you are miserable;

Some days you sing and dance.

Today I did both, for I sat without thinking

And also without wearing pants.

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Why Ghosts Are Angry

Greg had no reason to live anymore

So he bought a rope and locked the door

And made a new necklace he tied to the roof

And fell to his death without uttering “oof.”

He opened his eyes and he looked all around

And saw his cadaver and angrily frowned;

Yes, he succeeded in becoming dead

But now he’s a ghost, and immortal instead.

Worse, now the tourists come hither and yon

For signs of the ghost of Greg, who is gone.

He’ll wail and shriek and pray for some help

But the tourists just cheer and write “Five stars” on Yelp.

If its deserved or not, no one can tell

But Greg lives forever in introvert Hell.

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Guest Poem From An Anonymous World Leader

There was a, um, a a a flower?

And it has, you know, plants,

And some are yellow and some are blue

But that doesn’t change that they’re green

On their, um, stalks or stems or something.

And when I smell them

Wait, they said don’t say smelling…

Flowers are green and and and thank you good morning!

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IT 2021

There once was a bug in my code

And my whole computer it slowed,

But I’ve learned from the biz

To just sell it as is

Then charge more for a fast-working mode.

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