Tag Archives: Mistakes

We Should Have Said “Stay…”

In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild

Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.

Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”

And he started to breed them for me and for you.

The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,

A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.

They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”

And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.

But soon came some others, and not for the better:

They came with free handbags and even a sweater.

These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”

And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”

Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones

Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,

And when we accept such weak canines as pets

We’ll know just how low our society gets.

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Eau Know! Knot Yew Two!

There once was a fellow from Prague

Who went for a leisurely jague.

He ran for a while

With a big happy smhile

But, alas, he fell into a bague.

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The News Be Like…

It is a fact from an incited source

That 30 percent of collisions

Are the result of someone driving drunk;

In other words, poor decisions.

That means that 70 percent

Of sober drivers crash.

Driving without drinking

Is, according to statistic, rash.

That fact, if analyzed in depth

Means that driving sober will

Increase your chances by 133%

That, by driving, you will kill.

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New To Alaska?

The air was full of mosquitoes

And someone gave me a spray:

“It’s called mosquito repellant

“And it keeps the bugs away.”

I put it on my body

And away went all my cares.

Now I’m going to try the spray

For repelling the bears!

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Transcript of the new Daily Travesty Audiobook

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……………………Oh, you mean out loud?

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Hallelujah

There lived a man who wished to die,

With lips malformed so when he’d sigh

The anguish that emerged was like

The first sunrise of Spring.

The humans that he’d never known

Had from all places to him flown

With no intent to comfort him

But just to hear him sing.

The singer sang, the cryer cried

To oceans deep and mountains wide

And every human listener thought

The singer read their mind.

The speaker spoke, the moaner moaned.

His sorrows said, his hopes intoned

Leaving unspoken just enough,

Ensuring seekers find.

He screamed at them in loneliness:

A girl in far too short a dress

Confused by why she couldn’t find

A man who’d stay ’til morning

And, to the men who eyed her, said

To see her heart before her bed

But all they heard were pretty words

And not the singer’s warning.

He sang to those who owned the gold,

The young who’d never gotten old,

The old who’d never been a child,

To those without a penny.

His sharing was his means to cope.

His medicine was spreading hope

Perhaps to you, the listening few

Among the mindless many.

The living listened as he cried,

He sang also to those who died,

A song for all who made mistakes

And sought to change their fate.

Some say that Satan turned to hear

And even shed a single tear.

Although the angel fell from grace

His wings might still bear weight.

No one asked the singer’s name.

To his wake no listeners came

For clouds above were pearly white

And sky above was blue.

Thus did the singer move along.

No longer needed was his song.

The singer lives forever

Even though his wish came true.

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On The General Nature Of Material Things

In this world of cats and dogs,

Of black and white, of bricks and logs,

It seems it nature’s choice we trust

The things which most resemble us,

Because of nature or our minds,

We oft call “evil” other kinds

Of creatures, colors, or supplies;

To do this I don’t think is wise.

If dogs chase cats or cats scratch dogs,

If we stack bricks or burn some logs

We do these things not out of spite

But merely ’cause it feels right.

So are we, by our nature, wrong

To do as we’ve done all along

Merely since a precious few

Feel malice as these things they do?

Shall we, must we, can we insist

That the building and the chase desist?

Are we all not good human beings

But, one and all, [Insert here]-ist fiends?

I like to think what harm we do

Is in pursuit of what is true,

And if we don’t find verity

We fail with true sincerity.

Impose not evil on the Earth

For no more than being given birth

And if another’s sin you see

Know the sinner is human like you and me.

Perhaps through this we’ll forget war,

We’ll never suffer anymore.

More likely we’ll still scratch and bite

But, mindfully, still smile despite.

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War Isn’t So Bad…

We’ve walked among some Autumn glades

Just us and the wind from the helicopter blades.

Falling gently to the ground

Are a leaf and some limbs and an M16 round.

A quaint little creek

Glitters bright mountain green

And, despite all our blood,

Is still cool fresh and clean.

We came here to camp,

Found these meadows to walk,

Because some old men

Wouldn’t sit down and talk,

But we can take solace

And our hearts can still sing

All thanks to the peace

That our murder will bring.

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Oops! I meant “Perfunctory.” Wait, No…

“Pusillanimous”

Was how I described my date.

I did not get laid.

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😎 and 🦑 are 🥇 right now

We’ve seen names with apostrophes

And names that lack a vowel.

We have seen surnameless names

Like Retta, Link, and Farrel.

We’ve seen whatever Prince’s name

Had been known as previously.

I just hope I get to be the first

To name a kid with an Emoji.

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