Tag Archives: Mistakes

Type A Vs. Type Hey!

Some people spend their lives

Trying hard to do things right,

Making perfectly circular pizzas

And working through the night.

Other people live their lives

By doing what is fun

Though the pizza ends up looking

Like art the family dog has done.

Perfectionists unite, I say

And make the rocket ships

While the do-it-my-way folks

Make new flavors for the chips.

The harmony is perfect

Though perfectionists will glare

Because the have-some-funners

Smile back without a care.

But if the pizza’s spherical

Instead of round and flat

Take a bite: It tastes all right

And you’re the first to make it that!

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He Was Not A Planner…

There once was a man from Tuskaloosa

Who had no fondness for his appaloosa.

Alas, ‘twas the only kind

Of rhyming thing he could find

So he packed up and moved to Des Moines.

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Because #Inclusion (Subverting Sexist Expectations Or Something?)

I always wanted a grandkid

With whom I could spend days

Holding, feeding, talking, reading,

And bonding in other ways.

When I got the call that said

“I’m pregnant,” I felt joy.

All that could make it better was if

The pregnant one was my little boy.

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“Thinks Before Speaking” Is An Underrated Job Skill

I lost my job this morning.

I was notified by text:

“Thanks for your time with us.

“Good luck on whatever comes next.”

I knew after I told my boss

My thoughts I couldn’t debate it…

“100 million sperm, and somehow

“You’re the one who made it?”

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Why IT Folks Have The Best Job Security

You hear me say, you hear me holler:

“Another day, another dollar.”

My boss says hey, my boss says “So,

“We bought a bot. You got to go.”

So I reply, so I concur:

“I don’t know why, but I guess sure.”

Then I left with a smile, since

My boss bought the bot from a Nigerian prince.

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Trust The Science

A while ago, a farmer

Would be thought a cause of harm

If he didn’t use asbestos

To fireproof his farm.

A while ago a woman

Who was pregnant and upset

Was told her pain would go away

With a tasty cigarette.

A while ago a baby

Was calm as calm could be,

Unbothered by those nasty flies

Thanks to some DDT.

They told them “Trust the science”

And “You’re selfish to abstain.”

So here we watch as history

Repeats itself again.

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Saving At The Pump

I met a lady buying gas

Who said her name was Penny.

There were ladies prettier,

But surely not too many.

As she was about to finish

Putting gas into her car

I saw her pull a lighter out

To ignite a cigar.

I rushed over and tackled her

Before the fire could start.

I explained why such a plan

Was neither safe nor smart.

I wish I could say that she

Would one day be my wife

Because I had wits quick enough

To save my Penny’s life…

But alas, the very next day

I wasn’t there, and she burned.

At least her cremation was free;

A Penny saved, a Penny urned.

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Live and Learn

When I was five years old I thought

That I was pretty strong

Until I tried to lift my dad

And found out I was wrong.

When I was fifteen I figured

That I was pretty suave

Until I learned that suave’s a word

That doesn’t rhyme with “shave.”

When I was twenty five I thought

That I was pretty smart

Until I turned my car key

And the engine didn’t start.

And I suspect at thirty five

And forty five and older

The things I saw in my mind’s eye

I’ll see as a beholder.

I just hope at ninety

Or whenever death will dial

I’ll remember all the times I erred

Then look ahead and smile.

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Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!

The Jedi Order’s been around

For many thousands of years

And made a lot of laser swords

They didn’t give their peers.

These laser swords cut anything

Except each other, it seems,

And they block laser guns and stuff

And red ones oft cause screams.

My question for the Jedi,

Who claim to be guardians of peace,

Is why they never thought to make

An armor made of these?

A suit of laser armor

That blocks all forms of harm

Would prevent a lot of Jedi who

So often lose an arm,

As well as making everyone

Invulnerable to violence.

The only downside I can see

Is that the world would no longer have silence…

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How I Choose To Put Stuff In My Body

You know those ads that run late at night

Where the guy tells you how to solve life

By eating one teaspoon of Stuff every day.

After all, it’s how he found his wife

Even though he was homeless and 300 pounds

And rodents were all he digested

Until he discovered a miracle cure

That one night he just manifested.

It’s a powder with maca, ginseng, beluga,

Alabaster, carnuba, and chives

And though the FDA says it’s not tested at all

It will change many millions of lives!

Well the guy selling Stuff that the FDA doubts

Saying it will make everything great

Has the same credentials as the Covid vaccine

Which is why I personally hesitate.

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