I’ve played the trombone
Since I was eight-years-old.
“No one loves trombonists”
I’ve frequently been told.
Despite this I persisted
With an empty heart and bed,
But now I think I’ve had enough.
I’ll play the accordian instead.
Tag Archives: Music
Morning Sax
When I wake up in the morning
And look at your sleeping face
I feel like I’ve got everything,
Just like J.P. Morgan Chase.
I know that you’re still sleeping.
Makes sense, ’cause it’s 5:03,
But I just have to surprise you
With the greatest part of me,
And so I whip out my saxophone
And lick the reed ’til it’s damp
Then it’s you and me at 5:03
And a cover of John Mellencamp.
I gave you morning sax!
Comso says it’s great.
I gave you morning sax
‘Cause funky just can’t wait.
I gave you morning sax!
I’d say that’s pretty fly.
I wanted you to say “Oh God yes!”
But I’ll settle for “Oh God, why?!”
When you wake up in the morning
And see my body lying prone
In a pool of hot red blood
Clutching my saxophone
At first you’re shocked and worried
But you throw some coffee down
And remember last night’s victory
As you drive into town.
And as I lie, still bleeding
From the opening in my head
I dream about tomorrow
When I’ll play Kenny G instead.
I’ll give you morning sax!
It’s better the second time.
I’ll give you morning sax!
I’m sure it will be fine.
I’ll give you morning sax!
Sure, it’s a taxing gig
But I just love that moment
When your eyes get so, so big!
I played for you the morning
Of the day I finally died.
When the doctor shared the news
I like to think you cried.
You told me you lack self-control
Before you are awake
And that any more at 5:04
Was more than you could take.
As you call the undertaker
And they ask if you will hold
I only hope that waiting music
Makes your heart a bit less cold.
Now you’ll hear mourning sax!
It don’t mean a thing.
Enjoy the mourning sax!
All you had to do was sing…
There’s no more morning sax!
Let that sink into your brain
As you take five, my satin doll,
Riding home on the “A” train…
(Fading out)
How long will it take to Bari me?
Tenor so minutes.
A little Charlie Bird told me.
I’m on a Coltrane to Hell.
J-Pop Songs
They could be singing
Of murdering puppies
Or of the great pleasure
Of wringing your neck.
They could even be singing
“Go Panthers go!”
But sing in Japanese
And it’s catchy as heck.
Filed under Poems
A Courteous Reply To Billy Joel
I know you want me to sing you a song
‘Cause you’re feeling okey-dokey.
But I don’t sing. I’m the Piano Man.
Why don’t y’all go and sing Karaoke?
Filed under Poems
They’re gone until Thanksgiving!
It’s the first day of
It’s the hap, happiest season:
Eleven months without carols.
That is my reason.
Filed under Poems
Just Wait ‘Til The Angels Give Me A Harp
I sang a song of love and peace
So thankful for the fallen.
I knew that those beyond the grave
Could surely hear my callin’.
And thus the unknown soldier
And the deceased cream of the crop
Made humankind better once more
By asking me to stop.
Filed under Poems
An Unhappy Pianist
I was tired of the piano.
It had a negative influence
On my life and my wellbeing.
To correct for this incongruence
I changed my choice of instrument.
Now I play the piayes.
I don’t have many gigs lined up,
But I think that’s for the bes’.
Filed under Poems
I Hate Music
Trees are nice. So are rocks,
But not so much big cities,
‘Cause they are full of people
Whose heads are full of ditties.
They sing all day despite themselves,
Albeit silently.
I cannot stand these catchy tunes
That I cannot hear or see.
And so I moved out to the woods
Are jingles don’t exist.
And now getting rid of the birds
Is on my to-do list.
Filed under Poems
False Advertising
They say he played the violin
With a sound that roused the spirit.
I traveled far, o’er hill and dale
Hoping just to hear it.
I was trulydisappointed
When I finally met the fellow,
For he played not the violin,
But the world’s smallest cello.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 