Tag Archives: Annoying

My Feelings On Peaceful Protest

There is no force that’s stronger,

No emotion that’s more real,

Than the utter nothingness

Your complaining makes me feel.

There’s nothing within my heart,

Through whose beating I live,

More mighty than the many fucks

I really do not give.

Some see your signs and wonder

And some your cause will join.

I think “wait or hit the gas?”

Then smile and flip a coin.

So if you feel like marching

There’s at least one who won’t sway

And if you see a Ford Ranger

You’d be wise to move away.

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Facebook “Conversations”

You know that feeling

When you have to sneeze but can’t

And your nose you already blew?

Imagine that feeling

For an hour or so.

That’s how it feels to be talking with you.

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The Last Words Spoken To Me At My Customer Service Job Before My “Involuntary Retirement Was Expedited” On Account Of “Unbecoming Physical Demonstrations”

“You know those days

Where everything’s bad,

Everything hurts,

Everyone’s mad,

Nobody’s happy,

And nothing is true?

I don’t, but you’re nodding,

So it sucks to be you!”

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Whose Phone Is This? (Aka The White-Guy-Alone-On-The-Bus-In-Harlem Song)

Whose phone is this

That disturbs my rest,

Who informs its master

By beeping?

Its constant noise

Does so make me stressed

For one minute ago

I was sleeping.

This, this

Is the white guy’s phone

Which disturbs your sleep

Via default tone.

This guy

Will be lain to rest

At the mortuary of Saint Mary.

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NO! All 99 Verses Must Be Sung Or One Cannot Accurately Judge The Amount Of Beer Consumed!

I don’t mind your desire for completeness,

Your accuracy is sublime,

But couldn’t we just sing “et cetera”

And save ourselves trouble and time?

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How I Met Your Mother (Although She Doesn’t Know It Yet)

I love you 

Like a child loves an airplane

Like that Facebook friend

Loves someone you’ll never meet

Like the drunk guy at the bar

Loves “it man!”

Like the certified pre-owned vehicle consultant

Knows you’ll love this one specific car

I live you very verbally

In a way that’s oft disturbing

That’s measured in mega-decibels

And prevents a good night’s sleep

So I thought with this confession

I’d better introduce myself

So that you wouldn’t mistake me

As just a random stranger/creep.

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One’s a Crowd

I’m a lonely little elf

In the presence of myself.

The solitude, it hurts my head.

I just wish I’d stop talking and go to bed.

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