Tag Archives: NFL

‘Merica Loves The Draft

Today’s the day that giant men

Who some describe as “ballers”

Get called by teams of athletes

To play games for millions of dollars

And older guys who used to play

And that one blonde chick enumerate

The reason why that particular guy

Will make their newfound team great.

Meanwhile, men who’re five-foot-two

But also weigh 300 pounds

Sit in bars and pound their chests

And buy each other rounds.

And somehow through the fog

Of testosterone and concealed erections

This moment matters more to most

Than national elections.

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Yeah… So Much For “Anything Can Happen”

There once were eight teams

With ambitions and dreams

Of competing for Super Bowl glory.

The boring teams won

And we didn’t have fun

And that’s today’s NFL story.

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NFL Folk Tales

If a tree falls in the forest

And no one’s around to see

Will the Packers still pass on receivers

In 2023?


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A woodchuck wouldn’t chuck…

Perhaps he even couldn’t chuck…

Since Russell Woodchuck still sucks. Good.


Legend speaks of manticores

With the heads of a lion, an eagle, and goat.

Normally you’d be scared of the lion head

But that’s ‘cause the eagles don’t gloat.

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If Only The British Had An Army Of Sentient Bears, America Might Never Have Existed #ThingsFootballTaughtMe

One day in ye olde Boston faire

Some guys had a tea party there.

Then some bears mauled them… mean!

33 to 14

And yeah, the analogy ends there.

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Thursday Night Football

There once were some Illinois Bears

Who played the ex-redskins by O’hare.

They punted and punted

And punted and punted

And who the heck actually cares?

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Episode 12: A New Hope

There once was a Seahawks QB

Who wore a shirt that said “3”.

The fans said “Oh no”

When they watched Russell go

But now they chant “Geno for me!”

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Hope Exists In Odd Places

The fact that football stadiums

Are filled with maskless faces

Who came to watch a bunch of men

Of many faiths and races

Hit each other for a ball

While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”

Makes me think the world’s too good

To suddenly abandon.

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This Poem Reflects Their Work Ethic

If you want the very best

Be a fan of the New York Jets.

That rhyme didn’t work quite right

And neither do they.

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Another Perspective…

The top one-percent of earners

Make $585 K.

The minimum NFL salary

Is $615,000 today.

These 0.95-percenters

Complain about being oppressed

And wonder why their unemployed fans

Are anything less than impressed.

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When You Can Watch Something Other Than Baseball And Golf Again

‘Twas the week before football

And all through the States

Everyone outside Boston

Came to terms with their fates.

So many Don’taes,

Tyrones, and Lamars

Checked if Wendy’s needed

Someone who could lift cars.

Meanwhile those lucky

To remain on their teams

Prayed the ACL gods

Would not ruin their dreams.

The fans were all cozy

Wrapped up on their couches

While the TV says who’ll be

The sleepers and slouches.

And a tenth of a billion

Mostly female folks

Didn’t see the appeal

Of tackling blokes,

Yet still two-hundred-million

Pulled on overpriced shirts

With the last name of someone

Whose whole body hurts.

They’ll sit back to watch

As the combat begins.

They’ll be happy as long

As their animal wins.

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