A zombie that lived in a crypt
Read “Men’s Health” and wanted to get ripped,
So he pumped lots of iron
‘Til his cadaver was tirin’.
Too bad Hollywood passed on my script.
Tag Archives: Poetry
At the Gym
I came to the gym just to train,
And I tried to exercise well.
Then some guy says to me “No pain, no gain.”
I think he’ll be happy in Hell.
Filed under Poems
Eulogy for a Jerk
This day we gather
To celebrate
The death of a guy
We all grew to hate.
He’s the guy who thinks
He is very important.
More important, certainly, than you.
He’s the guy who won’t listen,
Who boasts of his money,
Who gets angry out of the blue.
He the guy who feels good
So long as you don’t,
Who thinks life is a zero sum game,
And the guy who knows
Everyone is unique,
But still chooses to treat them the same.
You all have experience
Unique to ourselves
That make up our vision of the departed.
The guy who was clingy,
The guy who talked loudly,
The guy who left you broken hearted.
And so as we bury this unlikeable guy
Take a minute to think of your dislike and why,
And cherish his memory, for through it you see
The things that, to live well, you must never be.
85% Satire
Believe it or not
When your Linkedin page
Features music, clarinet, and poetry
I haven’t found
That companies
Are lining up to hire me.
I’ve applied
For every kind
Of job, to no avail,
I guess it also
Doesn’t help
That I’m a caucasian male.
So if anyone
Is seeking
A candidate with some flair
I’d love to hear.
And have no fear!
I have other skills too, I swear!
You can comment
For my contact info
Or meet me face to face
By going down I-5
To the exit 255 bridge,
‘Cause for know under that is my place.
Love is in the air
Once upon a fleeting glimpse
Lived an airplane who loved all blimps,
But when she touched them they would pop
Because she struck them with her prop(ellor).
But plane Jane did not despair.
She kept on searching through the air.
She found true love just like she said
With a zeppelin made of lead.
Filed under Poems
A Forgotten Epic
Have you heard the tale of Charles the Bolde,
Who sought to slay the dragon of olde?
He stood his ground, refused to run.
Too bad for him the dragon won.
Death to All Insects
Ugh! A bug!
I gave it a hug
From my heavy-duty, carbon-fiber swatter.
Another is spied,
And I can’t conceal my pride
‘Cause my darling saw the second bug and shot ‘er.
Filed under Poems
What I Did Last Night/This Morning
It started and ended with a clock.
The middle was cliches
And plenty of explosions and CGI
And other brash displays.
And in the end some villains died
And some good guys too.
That is my summary of
The Amazing Spider Man 2.
Filed under Poems
The First Family: An Earlobe Story
It started as an earlobe,
Lonely and aware
That it would be much more complete
If it could make a pair,
And so it looked and listened
And so grew its ears and eyes,
And it found a brain, a face, and hair
That to its side it did bind.
And soon the first lobe found a second
And a head the two became.
They thought they’d met their goals,
Yet they still felt kind of lame,
And so the head sought out a body,
And the body sought out limbs
And soon the lobes could walk around,
And searched the world for hims.
Sure enough they found him:
Another lobe-turned-body,
And the lobe pair fell in love
‘Cause the he-lobe was a hotty.
And the bodies mixed and matched
And made a smaller version
Of themselves, and out it pushed,
Desiring an excursion.
And so was born a child
And the lobe became a mother.
The first kid was a sister
And the second was a brother.
And that is how a family
In my mind has been portrayed.
I love you mom, but seriously,
How was I really made?
Filed under Poems
The Quest of the Sleepy
I slept too little
All through the week,
And a healthy 10 hours
Of sleep did I seek,
But I stayed up until midnight
And the sun rose at eight.
Someday I’ll get my 10 hours,
But for now it must wait.
Filed under Poems
