Tag Archives: Movies

Happy Black History Month

They’re always making movies

About how white culture sucks

‘Cause “white folks are all racist”

And therefor are sitting ducks

To being cast as villains

In movies about the first

All black [insert niche hobby] group.

Isn’t that just the worst?

So I want to make a movie

Set in ye olde Babylon

About the first non-Jewish folks

God didn’t inflict pain on,

Or how about the first straight white guy

Who stayed home to raise his kid

And all the crazy backlash

About the stuff that one guy did?

I’d even take, at this point,

A commercial for insurance

Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife

And you can make your own inference.

And maybe if we all work hard

We’ll live to see the day

That a white guy is selected

To be in the NBA.


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Your Nostalgia Is Complete

I read someone’s list

Of their favorite childhood movies…

The Lion King, Bambi… those types.

If you are its creator

I want to remind you

Of the Microsoft screensaver pipes.

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When A Cackle Goes Too Far…

James Bond was trapped,

Tied up and surrounded,

And here’s what the villain

That James Bond had found did:

He said, “Mr. Bond,

“I expect you to die.”

Then he started to laugh

And eventually cry

Until he heaved silently,

Occasionally snorting,

So deeply amused

By his cliched retorting.

Twelve minutes later

The laughter abated

And the villain said, “Thanks,”

And he no longer hated.

The goons untied Bond

And he left there okay,

And they say Bond and Baddie

Are friends to this day.

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How The West Was Won

There was a guy with short, dark hair

Who lived in the middle of nowhere.

Then a bad guy came to town

And some anarchy went down.

The guy was told about the event

So he spurred his horse and off he went

To meet the jerk who scared the meek

And also the one girl who gets to speak.

A lot of folks will die, of course,

While riding nowhere on a horse.

There will be a fateful fight

Before guy rides off into the light.

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Good Clean American Cinema

If the Florida Air National Guard

Gets attacked by a suicidal croc

And they try to assassinate the leader

By using many a Blackhawk

Then discover the croc was Muslim

And they make a movie about it later

I hope they give it the title:

“Hella’copters vs. Allah Gator!”

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That Climax Be Like…

There was a bomb on main street

Set to blow at 5:08

I pulled up at 5:14

Because the traffic made me late.

I had only seconds left

Before the bomb blew me away

An hour later ’twas defused

And I, the hero, saved the day!

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At Least JP Had Good Music…

A guy got an idea

To raise monsters from the dead

And show them to the public

Without approval from the Fed.

It all went wrong and people died;

Observers doffed their hats.

Is this the film Jurassic Park

Or behind the scenes of Cats?

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Horror Movies

Steve wanted to scare me

So he said “Guess what’s groovy?

“In ten years they’ll probably

“Make Jenga: The Movie.”

I wanted revenge,

To give Steve what was due,

So I said, “In twelve years

“They might make Jenga 2.”

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You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try

In a horror movie

A main character will die.

In an animated movie

Someone’s probably going to fly.

In any recent Disney movie

Someone’ll be the token gay.

In a romantic comedy

No one marries their fiancee.

In a movie with a heist

Someone will dance under lasers.

In a movie set at college

The new kid will meet hazers.

In fantasies, a hero

Will be to a dragon born,

And that’s why I don’t mind

When there is not a plot in porn.

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Box Office 2020

Hollywood makes movies,

Then they make sequels,

Then they remake them,

And then they make prequels.

That’s how it goes

According to me

So here are some prequels

That I’d like to see:

Schindler’s College-Ruled Notebook;

Leon: The Trainee;

The Lambs Being Noisy;

American History V;

Reservoir Puppies;

Work-Visa Kane:

Wall-D; The Fifth Sense;

Wayne’s Global-Domination Campaign;

The Accelerating and Cranky;

“No Thanks, I Just Ate” Games;

Dragon Ball Y;

“No Bail For Me” James;

2000: Just Earth;

And last but not least:

“Be-Careful-Who-You-Call-Ugly-In-Middle-School” and the Beast.

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