Tag Archives: Movies

When A Cackle Goes Too Far…

James Bond was trapped,

Tied up and surrounded,

And here’s what the villain

That James Bond had found did:

He said, “Mr. Bond,

“I expect you to die.”

Then he started to laugh

And eventually cry

Until he heaved silently,

Occasionally snorting,

So deeply amused

By his cliched retorting.

Twelve minutes later

The laughter abated

And the villain said, “Thanks,”

And he no longer hated.

The goons untied Bond

And he left there okay,

And they say Bond and Baddie

Are friends to this day.

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How The West Was Won

There was a guy with short, dark hair

Who lived in the middle of nowhere.

Then a bad guy came to town

And some anarchy went down.

The guy was told about the event

So he spurred his horse and off he went

To meet the jerk who scared the meek

And also the one girl who gets to speak.

A lot of folks will die, of course,

While riding nowhere on a horse.

There will be a fateful fight

Before guy rides off into the light.

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Good Clean American Cinema

If the Florida Air National Guard

Gets attacked by a suicidal croc

And they try to assassinate the leader

By using many a Blackhawk

Then discover the croc was Muslim

And they make a movie about it later

I hope they give it the title:

“Hella’copters vs. Allah Gator!”

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That Climax Be Like…

There was a bomb on main street

Set to blow at 5:08

I pulled up at 5:14

Because the traffic made me late.

I had only seconds left

Before the bomb blew me away

An hour later ’twas defused

And I, the hero, saved the day!

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At Least JP Had Good Music…

A guy got an idea

To raise monsters from the dead

And show them to the public

Without approval from the Fed.

It all went wrong and people died;

Observers doffed their hats.

Is this the film Jurassic Park

Or behind the scenes of Cats?

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Horror Movies

Steve wanted to scare me

So he said “Guess what’s groovy?

“In ten years they’ll probably

“Make Jenga: The Movie.”

I wanted revenge,

To give Steve what was due,

So I said, “In twelve years

“They might make Jenga 2.”

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You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try

In a horror movie

A main character will die.

In an animated movie

Someone’s probably going to fly.

In any recent Disney movie

Someone’ll be the token gay.

In a romantic comedy

No one marries their fiancee.

In a movie with a heist

Someone will dance under lasers.

In a movie set at college

The new kid will meet hazers.

In fantasies, a hero

Will be to a dragon born,

And that’s why I don’t mind

When there is not a plot in porn.

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Box Office 2020

Hollywood makes movies,

Then they make sequels,

Then they remake them,

And then they make prequels.

That’s how it goes

According to me

So here are some prequels

That I’d like to see:

Schindler’s College-Ruled Notebook;

Leon: The Trainee;

The Lambs Being Noisy;

American History V;

Reservoir Puppies;

Work-Visa Kane:

Wall-D; The Fifth Sense;

Wayne’s Global-Domination Campaign;

The Accelerating and Cranky;

“No Thanks, I Just Ate” Games;

Dragon Ball Y;

“No Bail For Me” James;

2000: Just Earth;

And last but not least:

“Be-Careful-Who-You-Call-Ugly-In-Middle-School” and the Beast.

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Oscarbait 2019

I screamed at the milk carton

“Why doesn’t she love me?”

The milk carton pondered

For a long, long time.

Starring Keanu Reeves.

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Also… Elvis and Watergate

Falling feather in the sky

Falls to where I sit

And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters

Who think I’m full of shit.

I tell them how I went to school

And met my true love, Jenny.

Sure, my IQ was seventy-five

But I learned a pretty penny.

I learned that trouble walking

Can be cured by being chased

And I got to go to college

‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.

After university

I went to Vietnam

Where I learned about the shrimp business

And saved guys from a bomb.

I met the president again

And became a ping-pong star

All because, in Vietnam,

I got a butt-tox scar.

I met Jenny in Washington

And bought a shrimping boat

And thanks to handy hurricanes

My business stayed afloat.

My shrimping buddy Dan and I

Bought some apple stock

Which made me very rich, so I

Took a three-and-a-half year walk.

After that Jenny got aids

And made me raise her kid

And, having done everything else,

That’s exactly what I did.

I appreciate you listening

And so I’ll tell you thanks.

Also, I just saved you hours

Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.

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