Tonight I watched a movie
That made me cry
About an awkward redhead
Who can travel through time.
He learned that living every day
As if it is your last
Is the key to perfect happiness,
Not reliving the past.
Unlike awkward redhead dude
I can’t control the ages,
Can’t redo my past mistakes
Or rewrite history’s pages.
What I can do that others can’t
Is make the time you spend
Be used to wish my poetry
Would finally freakin’ end.
Filed under Poems
I think zombies are romantic
And want to woo each other
With a dinner and a movie
Before they meet their partner’s mother
But the zombies get so busy
With the “having dinner part”
That they never get to see a piece
Of cinematic art.
If we give a discount
To the undead, I suspect
There will be a sharp decrease
In the number of lives they wrecked.
We need to get our zombies
To fulfill their hearts’ desires
So welcome them with open arms
Instead of killing them with fires.
Filed under Poems
They made the Joker movie
Where the villain was relatable.
Then they made “Cruella”
And made killing dogs debatable.
And I know that coming soon
To theaters near me
Is a film called “Adolf:
“A young art student’s story.”
You know what would be really good
To see come out of Hollywood?
How ‘bout a film where a zombie guy
Sees a zombie gal that catches his eye.
They fall in love, they thrust and moan,
They buy a house without a loan,
And then the local HOA
Tells the two to move away.
Then the zombie couple fights
For many days and many nights
Wave after wave of humans who
Care only for their home’s value.
And after all is said and done
The humans die, the zombies won,
They adopt the human kids as equals
And thus ensure a lot of sequels.
It’s a wholesome tale of why
One’s choice to not completely die
Does not invalidate one’s worth…
Stars Emma Stone and Colin Firth.
Filed under Poems
They’re always making movies
About how white culture sucks
‘Cause “white folks are all racist”
And therefor are sitting ducks
To being cast as villains
In movies about the first
All black [insert niche hobby] group.
Isn’t that just the worst?
So I want to make a movie
Set in ye olde Babylon
About the first non-Jewish folks
God didn’t inflict pain on,
Or how about the first straight white guy
Who stayed home to raise his kid
And all the crazy backlash
About the stuff that one guy did?
I’d even take, at this point,
A commercial for insurance
Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife
And you can make your own inference.
And maybe if we all work hard
We’ll live to see the day
That a white guy is selected
To be in the NBA.
Filed under Poems
I read someone’s list
Of their favorite childhood movies…
The Lion King, Bambi… those types.
If you are its creator
I want to remind you
Of the Microsoft screensaver pipes.
Filed under Poems
James Bond was trapped,
Tied up and surrounded,
And here’s what the villain
That James Bond had found did:
He said, “Mr. Bond,
“I expect you to die.”
Then he started to laugh
And eventually cry
Until he heaved silently,
Occasionally snorting,
So deeply amused
By his cliched retorting.
Twelve minutes later
The laughter abated
And the villain said, “Thanks,”
And he no longer hated.
The goons untied Bond
And he left there okay,
And they say Bond and Baddie
Are friends to this day.
Filed under Poems
There was a guy with short, dark hair
Who lived in the middle of nowhere.
Then a bad guy came to town
And some anarchy went down.
The guy was told about the event
So he spurred his horse and off he went
To meet the jerk who scared the meek
And also the one girl who gets to speak.
A lot of folks will die, of course,
While riding nowhere on a horse.
There will be a fateful fight
Before guy rides off into the light.
Filed under Poems
If the Florida Air National Guard
Gets attacked by a suicidal croc
And they try to assassinate the leader
By using many a Blackhawk
Then discover the croc was Muslim
And they make a movie about it later
I hope they give it the title:
“Hella’copters vs. Allah Gator!”
Filed under Poems
There was a bomb on main street
Set to blow at 5:08
I pulled up at 5:14
Because the traffic made me late.
I had only seconds left
Before the bomb blew me away
An hour later ’twas defused
And I, the hero, saved the day!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 