There once was a movie
That featured a fart
And, in children, it inspired laughter.
And so it was decreed
That fart jokes were a need
In all movies for children thereafter.
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Tag Archives: Movies
Because I’m An A**hole, And Also I Just Saved You Six Hours of Movies
If I got a degree in nursin’
And saw a patient starting to worsen
I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead
“And Rosebud is a sled
“And you and Tyler are the same person.”
Filed under Poems
It Would Be Called “231,” Since Women Only Get 77 Soldiers On The Hundred
It’s an age of all-female remakes
Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.
My faithful readers probably think
This is a trend I’d hate.
Instead I think the opposite;
It’s something I’m totally for
And here are some beloved movies
To remake if they make more:
How about “The Godmother?”
“Lady of the Rings?”
“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman
“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”
How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”
Or “Saving Private Ryan?”
How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”
That no one has to die in?
I jest, I jest (At least I hope).
But I pray that in 2019
The all-female “300” reboot
Hits the Imax screen.
Filed under Poems
What He Does Have Are A Very Particular Set Of Skills… Skills He Has Acquired Over A Very Long Career…
He’s an average Joe
Except for really rotten luck
And in a single setting
For the whole film he’ll be stuck
While he tries to save his family
From a grand conspiracy
‘Cause that’s what folks’ll pay to see
Liam Neeson do!
He seems to only star in films
Whose titles start with “the,”
Except of course for Schindler’s List
And Taken 1, 2, 3.
He’s a frequent award nominee
For both his movies and TV
Which shows that people love to see
What Liam Neeson do!
His six-foot-four-inch figure
Makes all women want to burst.
He’s never died (‘xcept in the Star Wars
That used to be the worst).
So if you go to see a show
Then you should already know
The feats he’ll do (and in slow-mo)
To show off more his manly glow
And yet somehow we still all go…
To see what Liam Neeson do!
Filed under Poems
A Hollywood Musical
Hollywood!
(It’s so darn good)
Oh yes, oh yes, I say.
Hollywood!
(Land of falsehood)
Oh yes, oh yes.
Where what’s important aren’t the facts unless they fit into three acts.
The place where fiction goes to diiiiiieeeeeeee!
Where it’s okay to have no story. CGI can bring you glory.
So can manly men who cryyyyyyyyyyyy!
Hollywood!
(Our favorite wood)
Oh yes, oh yes.
They’ve done all they could
(More than they should)
Oh yes, oh yes,
To guarantee that you and me will pay hard-earned money to see
A bunch of actors green-screen flyyyyyyy!
Where shirtless six-packed men are common working at Starbucks, eating ramen
Hoping to be a leading guuuyyyyyyyyyy!
You can’t stop Hollywood!
(Long has it stood!)
Oh no, oh not Hollywood!
(What else rhymes with “wood?”)
Nothing I guess…
And if you’ve ever read the book at adaptations do not look
Because you know they’ll only break your heart in twooooooooooo!
And if derivative plotlines can’t send those shivers up your spines
Well, don’t expect the Fox execs to say boo hoooooooooooo!
They gave you big robotic brawlers
And already have your dollars
So why not make Skywalker say “screw yoooouuuuuuuuu?
So if you’re inclined to feel
You don’t want to keep it real
Then come to Hoooooooo
Llllyyyyyyyyyyyy
Woooooooooooooood….
(Dramatic pause)
Toooooooooooooooooo
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
(Olay!)
The Shape Of Water
Last year the guys in Hollywood
Passed on the script I submitted
Wherein a disabled janitor
Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.
Now the very same movie
Wins the Oscar for picture, best.
If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…
It’s all in the details, I guess!
The Lord Of The Rings
A while ago
There was a guy
Who dreamed of being
A fiery eye.
We don’t know why
He felt the need,
But we know that
He did succeed.
The problem with
Old fire-eye’s plot
Is that what he wanted
Others did not,
And so he hid
His power away
So after his death
He’d still be okay.
He put that power
In a magical ring
That got stolen by
A greedy king,
And that repeated
Several times
Through fire and snow
And temperate climes.
Then one day
Some fishing midgets
Found that ring
And asked “what ij it?”
One said “mine!”
The other said “no!”
And so the midgets
Came to blows.
The winning midget
Became a beast
Who hid in a cave
Eating Fancy Feast
Until more midgets
Came along,
Stole the ring,
And sang a song.
A few years later
There was peace
And the ring’s new owner’s
Male niece
Got the ring
As a birthday gift,
Met some elves,
And got a lift
To Rivendell
Where it was decided
Fire-eye’s ego
Had the land divided
And that the only
Thing to do
Was to break the ring
Of you-know-who.
The elves said that
The ring must be laid
In the Mordorian lava
In which it was made.
The dwarf said
“That’s a lot of work,”
Hit the ring with his axe
And looked like a jerk.
So midgets and co.
Went on a quest,
They got betrayed
And left the rest,
Wandered alone
To the volcano of doom
Where the trolls and orcs
Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”
While they did
The men, dwarves, and elves
Fought three hours of orc wars
All by themselves,
Had a romantic subplot
With the long-lost human heir
And the elven princess
With the CGI hair.
By now midgets passed fire-eye’s
Most fiery gazes
Then the ring-bearing midget
Had just one of his dazes,
Turned to his friend,
Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”
Then dumbass lost his finger
And it all turned out fine.
Filed under Poems
