Tag Archives: Movies

The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)

There once was a movie

That featured a fart

And, in children, it inspired laughter.

And so it was decreed

That fart jokes were a need

In all movies for children thereafter.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Because I’m An A**hole, And Also I Just Saved You Six Hours of Movies

If I got a degree in nursin’

And saw a patient starting to worsen

I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead

“And Rosebud is a sled

“And you and Tyler are the same person.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

It Would Be Called “231,” Since Women Only Get 77 Soldiers On The Hundred

It’s an age of all-female remakes

Like Ghost Busters and Oceans 8.

My faithful readers probably think

This is a trend I’d hate.

Instead I think the opposite;

It’s something I’m totally for

And here are some beloved movies

To remake if they make more:

How about “The Godmother?”

“Lady of the Rings?”

“The Good, the Less Good, and the Strong Independent Woman

“Concerned Less With Appearance Than Other Things?”

How ’bout all-female “Fight Club”

Or “Saving Private Ryan?”

How about a “Hacksaw Ridge”

That no one has to die in?

I jest, I jest (At least I hope).

But I pray that in 2019

The all-female “300” reboot

Hits the Imax screen.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

What He Does Have Are A Very Particular Set Of Skills… Skills He Has Acquired Over A Very Long Career…

He’s an average Joe

Except for really rotten luck

And in a single setting

For the whole film he’ll be stuck

While he tries to save his family

From a grand conspiracy

‘Cause that’s what folks’ll pay to see

Liam Neeson do!

He seems to only star in films

Whose titles start with “the,”

Except of course for Schindler’s List

And Taken 1, 2, 3.

He’s a frequent award nominee

For both his movies and TV

Which shows that people love to see

What Liam Neeson do!

His six-foot-four-inch figure

Makes all women want to burst.

He’s never died (‘xcept in the Star Wars

That used to be the worst).

So if you go to see a show

Then you should already know

The feats he’ll do (and in slow-mo)

To show off more his manly glow

And yet somehow we still all go…

To see what Liam Neeson do!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

A Hollywood Musical

Hollywood!

(It’s so darn good)

Oh yes, oh yes, I say.

Hollywood!

(Land of falsehood)

Oh yes, oh yes.

Where what’s important aren’t the facts unless they fit into three acts.

The place where fiction goes to diiiiiieeeeeeee!

Where it’s okay to have no story. CGI can bring you glory.

So can manly men who cryyyyyyyyyyyy!

Hollywood!

(Our favorite wood)

Oh yes, oh yes.

They’ve done all they could

(More than they should)

Oh yes, oh yes,

To guarantee that you and me will pay hard-earned money to see

A bunch of actors green-screen flyyyyyyy!

Where shirtless six-packed men are common working at Starbucks, eating ramen

Hoping to be a leading guuuyyyyyyyyyy!

You can’t stop Hollywood!

(Long has it stood!)

Oh no, oh not Hollywood!

(What else rhymes with “wood?”)

Nothing I guess…

And if you’ve ever read the book at adaptations do not look

Because you know they’ll only break your heart in twooooooooooo!

And if derivative plotlines can’t send those shivers up your spines

Well, don’t expect the Fox execs to say boo hoooooooooooo!

They gave you big robotic brawlers

And already have your dollars

So why not make Skywalker say “screw yoooouuuuuuuuu?

So if you’re inclined to feel

You don’t want to keep it real

Then come to Hoooooooo

Llllyyyyyyyyyyyy

Woooooooooooooood….

(Dramatic pause)

Toooooooooooooooooo

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Olay!)

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, Songs

The Shape Of Water

Last year the guys in Hollywood

Passed on the script I submitted

Wherein a disabled janitor

Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.

Now the very same movie

Wins the Oscar for picture, best.

If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…

It’s all in the details, I guess!

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

The Lord Of The Rings

A while ago

There was a guy

Who dreamed of being

A fiery eye.

We don’t know why

He felt the need,

But we know that

He did succeed.

The problem with

Old fire-eye’s plot

Is that what he wanted

Others did not,

And so he hid

His power away

So after his death

He’d still be okay.

He put that power

In a magical ring

That got stolen by

A greedy king,

And that repeated

Several times

Through fire and snow

And temperate climes.

Then one day

Some fishing midgets

Found that ring

And asked “what ij it?”

One said “mine!”

The other said “no!”

And so the midgets

Came to blows.

The winning midget

Became a beast

Who hid in a cave

Eating Fancy Feast

Until more midgets

Came along,

Stole the ring,

And sang a song.

A few years later

There was peace

And the ring’s new owner’s

Male niece

Got the ring

As a birthday gift,

Met some elves,

And got a lift

To Rivendell

Where it was decided

Fire-eye’s ego

Had the land divided

And that the only

Thing to do

Was to break the ring

Of you-know-who.

The elves said that

The ring must be laid

In the Mordorian lava

In which it was made.

The dwarf said

“That’s a lot of work,”

Hit the ring with his axe

And looked like a jerk.

So midgets and co.

Went on a quest,

They got betrayed

And left the rest,

Wandered alone

To the volcano of doom

Where the trolls and orcs

Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”

While they did

The men, dwarves, and elves

Fought three hours of orc wars

All by themselves,

Had a romantic subplot

With the long-lost human heir

And the elven princess

With the CGI hair.

By now midgets passed fire-eye’s

Most fiery gazes

Then the ring-bearing midget

Had just one of his dazes,

Turned to his friend,

Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”

Then dumbass lost his finger

And it all turned out fine.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems