Tag Archives: Movies

The Shape Of Water

Last year the guys in Hollywood

Passed on the script I submitted

Wherein a disabled janitor

Masturbates and gets her throat slitted.

Now the very same movie

Wins the Oscar for picture, best.

If only I’d introduced a lizard love-interest…

It’s all in the details, I guess!


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The Lord Of The Rings

A while ago

There was a guy

Who dreamed of being

A fiery eye.

We don’t know why

He felt the need,

But we know that

He did succeed.

The problem with

Old fire-eye’s plot

Is that what he wanted

Others did not,

And so he hid

His power away

So after his death

He’d still be okay.

He put that power

In a magical ring

That got stolen by

A greedy king,

And that repeated

Several times

Through fire and snow

And temperate climes.

Then one day

Some fishing midgets

Found that ring

And asked “what ij it?”

One said “mine!”

The other said “no!”

And so the midgets

Came to blows.

The winning midget

Became a beast

Who hid in a cave

Eating Fancy Feast

Until more midgets

Came along,

Stole the ring,

And sang a song.

A few years later

There was peace

And the ring’s new owner’s

Male niece

Got the ring

As a birthday gift,

Met some elves,

And got a lift

To Rivendell

Where it was decided

Fire-eye’s ego

Had the land divided

And that the only

Thing to do

Was to break the ring

Of you-know-who.

The elves said that

The ring must be laid

In the Mordorian lava

In which it was made.

The dwarf said

“That’s a lot of work,”

Hit the ring with his axe

And looked like a jerk.

So midgets and co.

Went on a quest,

They got betrayed

And left the rest,

Wandered alone

To the volcano of doom

Where the trolls and orcs

Drummed “boom, boom, boom.”

While they did

The men, dwarves, and elves

Fought three hours of orc wars

All by themselves,

Had a romantic subplot

With the long-lost human heir

And the elven princess

With the CGI hair.

By now midgets passed fire-eye’s

Most fiery gazes

Then the ring-bearing midget

Had just one of his dazes,

Turned to his friend,

Said “No Sam! The ring’s mine,”

Then dumbass lost his finger

And it all turned out fine.

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JurASSic Park?

I’ve debated for a while

The moral consequences

Of selling my body for money.

But when I undress

I find to my distress

That people just think it is funny.

So I hired somebody

Who looks a bit like me

To portray me in screenwritten sex.

He’s an older man

With a history in movies

Named Tyrannosaurus Rexxx.

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Three Films For The Dork Lords On Their Basement Thrones (LotR)

We’ve all seen movies

That we adore.

We’ll watch them ten times,

Then ten more!

Sure, you know it

Line for line

But that’s not boring!

That’s just fine!

These films are family,

Allies, friends.

We love their journeys

Despite familiar ends.

To love such things

Need not be wrong,

But alas, my favorites

Are 12 hours long…

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Alright… One. You Got Me.

I wanted to go

To the movies with you.

You couldn’t go

But that wouldn’t do

So I dressed like one person

Pretending to be two.

It was pretty fun.

The guy at the window

Sold me two passes

Despite recognizing

I wasn’t two lasses.

The tickets saw through my ploy

Like X-ray glasses:

Both of them said “Admit One.”

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Forrest Gump 2: Lost In New York

Life is like a box of chocolates:

It costs money and makes you fat.

Most people enjoy it as it kills them slowly.

Yeah, life’s a lot like that.

But it doesn’t have to be:

We can smile and and act as equals

Starting with something on which we all agree,

Specifically that most movies don’t need sequels.

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Spy Problems

I’ve got a machine gun

With infinite bullets.

I can outrun

An explosion with ease.

I can seduce any

Man, woman, or dolphin,

But whenever I’m hiding

I always must sneeze…

I wear only the finest

Imported silk clothing.

I drink only the choicest

Fermented delights.

I’m the greatest agent

There ever has been,

Yet somehow I always

Get stuck working nights…

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