Tag Archives: Movies

Horror Movies

Steve wanted to scare me

So he said “Guess what’s groovy?

“In ten years they’ll probably

“Make Jenga: The Movie.”

I wanted revenge,

To give Steve what was due,

So I said, “In twelve years

“They might make Jenga 2.”

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You Can’t Fail If You Don’t Try

In a horror movie

A main character will die.

In an animated movie

Someone’s probably going to fly.

In any recent Disney movie

Someone’ll be the token gay.

In a romantic comedy

No one marries their fiancee.

In a movie with a heist

Someone will dance under lasers.

In a movie set at college

The new kid will meet hazers.

In fantasies, a hero

Will be to a dragon born,

And that’s why I don’t mind

When there is not a plot in porn.

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Box Office 2020

Hollywood makes movies,

Then they make sequels,

Then they remake them,

And then they make prequels.

That’s how it goes

According to me

So here are some prequels

That I’d like to see:

Schindler’s College-Ruled Notebook;

Leon: The Trainee;

The Lambs Being Noisy;

American History V;

Reservoir Puppies;

Work-Visa Kane:

Wall-D; The Fifth Sense;

Wayne’s Global-Domination Campaign;

The Accelerating and Cranky;

“No Thanks, I Just Ate” Games;

Dragon Ball Y;

“No Bail For Me” James;

2000: Just Earth;

And last but not least:

“Be-Careful-Who-You-Call-Ugly-In-Middle-School” and the Beast.

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Oscarbait 2019

I screamed at the milk carton

“Why doesn’t she love me?”

The milk carton pondered

For a long, long time.

Starring Keanu Reeves.

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Also… Elvis and Watergate

Falling feather in the sky

Falls to where I sit

And talk to fellow bus-stop-sitters

Who think I’m full of shit.

I tell them how I went to school

And met my true love, Jenny.

Sure, my IQ was seventy-five

But I learned a pretty penny.

I learned that trouble walking

Can be cured by being chased

And I got to go to college

‘Cause my legs were no longer braced.

After university

I went to Vietnam

Where I learned about the shrimp business

And saved guys from a bomb.

I met the president again

And became a ping-pong star

All because, in Vietnam,

I got a butt-tox scar.

I met Jenny in Washington

And bought a shrimping boat

And thanks to handy hurricanes

My business stayed afloat.

My shrimping buddy Dan and I

Bought some apple stock

Which made me very rich, so I

Took a three-and-a-half year walk.

After that Jenny got aids

And made me raise her kid

And, having done everything else,

That’s exactly what I did.

I appreciate you listening

And so I’ll tell you thanks.

Also, I just saved you hours

Of Alabama-voice Tom Hanks.

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The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)

There once was a movie

That featured a fart

And, in children, it inspired laughter.

And so it was decreed

That fart jokes were a need

In all movies for children thereafter.

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Because I’m An A**hole, And Also I Just Saved You Six Hours of Movies

If I got a degree in nursin’

And saw a patient starting to worsen

I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead

“And Rosebud is a sled

“And you and Tyler are the same person.”

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