Tag Archives: Movies

Seriously, When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies And Enjoyed It?

Someone in Hollywood decided

“What if instead of crappy flicks

“We badly remade everything people love

“And when they complain, say that they’re dicks?”

Everyone outside Hollywood

Disliked this judgement call,

But on the bright side, now people

See that books aren’t that bad after all.

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Ooh… And Throw In A Twist Villain And Random One-Liners Whenever The MANY Main Characters Die But Then Come Back To Life Because Time Travel

There once was a film from the past

And people said it was a blast;

Then Hollywood said

“What if instead

“It had an (insert group here) cast?”

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‘Cause Female Equality, Am I Right? (Plus We Get To See Tom Cruise In A Bikini)

Just once I want to see a film

Where a short male action star

Beats up a bunch of amazons

And never gets a scar,

Pummeling the female goons

With his 5th percentile fists

But we’ll never see that movie

‘Cause sexism exists.

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But It Won’t… So There

Tonight I watched a movie

That made me cry

About an awkward redhead

Who can travel through time.

He learned that living every day

As if it is your last

Is the key to perfect happiness,

Not reliving the past.

Unlike awkward redhead dude

I can’t control the ages,

Can’t redo my past mistakes

Or rewrite history’s pages.

What I can do that others can’t

Is make the time you spend

Be used to wish my poetry

Would finally freakin’ end.

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Zombies in the Movies

I think zombies are romantic

And want to woo each other

With a dinner and a movie

Before they meet their partner’s mother

But the zombies get so busy

With the “having dinner part”

That they never get to see a piece

Of cinematic art.

If we give a discount

To the undead, I suspect

There will be a sharp decrease

In the number of lives they wrecked.

We need to get our zombies

To fulfill their hearts’ desires

So welcome them with open arms

Instead of killing them with fires.


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They made the Joker movie

Where the villain was relatable.

Then they made “Cruella”

And made killing dogs debatable.

And I know that coming soon

To theaters near me

Is a film called “Adolf:

“A young art student’s story.”

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Love You Forever

You know what would be really good

To see come out of Hollywood?

How ‘bout a film where a zombie guy

Sees a zombie gal that catches his eye.

They fall in love, they thrust and moan,

They buy a house without a loan,

And then the local HOA

Tells the two to move away.

Then the zombie couple fights

For many days and many nights

Wave after wave of humans who

Care only for their home’s value.

And after all is said and done

The humans die, the zombies won,

They adopt the human kids as equals

And thus ensure a lot of sequels.

It’s a wholesome tale of why

One’s choice to not completely die

Does not invalidate one’s worth…

Stars Emma Stone and Colin Firth.

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Happy Black History Month

They’re always making movies

About how white culture sucks

‘Cause “white folks are all racist”

And therefor are sitting ducks

To being cast as villains

In movies about the first

All black [insert niche hobby] group.

Isn’t that just the worst?

So I want to make a movie

Set in ye olde Babylon

About the first non-Jewish folks

God didn’t inflict pain on,

Or how about the first straight white guy

Who stayed home to raise his kid

And all the crazy backlash

About the stuff that one guy did?

I’d even take, at this point,

A commercial for insurance

Where a man is dumb and so’s his wife

And you can make your own inference.

And maybe if we all work hard

We’ll live to see the day

That a white guy is selected

To be in the NBA.


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Your Nostalgia Is Complete

I read someone’s list

Of their favorite childhood movies…

The Lion King, Bambi… those types.

If you are its creator

I want to remind you

Of the Microsoft screensaver pipes.

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When A Cackle Goes Too Far…

James Bond was trapped,

Tied up and surrounded,

And here’s what the villain

That James Bond had found did:

He said, “Mr. Bond,

“I expect you to die.”

Then he started to laugh

And eventually cry

Until he heaved silently,

Occasionally snorting,

So deeply amused

By his cliched retorting.

Twelve minutes later

The laughter abated

And the villain said, “Thanks,”

And he no longer hated.

The goons untied Bond

And he left there okay,

And they say Bond and Baddie

Are friends to this day.

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