Tag Archives: Fantasy

The Ballad of Yargh

Once in the land of Kibosh

In the castle between worlds

Was the mighty warrior, Yargh,

And the dice he deftly hurled.

He gambled with the gnomes and elves

And other clever fey

But lightning struck and Yargh’s great luck

Won the money and the day.

A fighter yes, so strong and bold

With blood as cold as ice

But we sing not of his prowess

With the blade, but of the dice.

So sing of Yargh the fortunate,

The winner of our game.

His only lack of luck is that

His parents chose that name.

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If It’s A Cylinder, It Can Phwoom-Vwoom-Schwaa!

She saw a roll of wrapping paper,

A pool noodle, and a stick.

He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber

Because he has a dick.

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Still Better Than The New Hobbit Movies

There once was a fellow named Baggins

Who tired of old Gandalf’s naggin’s.

He stole a gold ring

From a fire snake thing

And inspired the game “Dungeons and Dragons”.

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Watch… It’ll Be A Baby Name Too In 2035

A fantasy author was getting tired

Of calling things dragons, and so he hired

A marketing guru and said “Hey, it’s lame

“That all of these dragons have the same name!”

So the marketing guru sat down and thought

That people didn’t use “Y” quite a lot,

So he proposed the namesWyvern and Wyrm

And both those became an acceptable term.

Alas, Mr. writer will probably live

Long enough for his stories to give

The inevitable climax, the ultimate sin:

A book where the monster is spelled as “Dragyn”.

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What People Who Don’t Play D&D Think It Is

“If I had a mugwump

For every warlock I

Smote fiercely with a fireball

I’d have six succubi!”

Thus spake the rogue of Harkenfell

Who wields a lengthy blade;

Many orcs by it were slewn

And many damsels laid.

The cleric sighed disdainfully,

The fighter’s belly shook,

The paladin had left the inn,

The wizard read a book,

And I the bard wrote verse on this,

The wandering hero’s life

For I am a virginal roleplayer

With a very un-roguish knife.

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And You Thought They Just Slept A Lot And Licked Themselves!

Nobody knows the journey of a cat:

Where they go or what they do,

What secret groves within they sat

Or fearsome vermin that they slew.

No one knows the lives they’ve saved

And the worlds they lost in vain.

Such is the mystery of the cat;

Both majesty and pain.

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She’s Actually Not, But The Punchline Makes Me Seem Desperate, And Desperation Is Funny

My girl is sexier than yours.

She could knock hinges off doors.

She has pretty knees and toes

And looks good with and without clothes.

She has pretty auburn hair

And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.

She’s the girl I’m going to marry…

Who cares if she’s imaginary?

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Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed

All the women who play video games

And complain about bikini armor

Never seem to complain about how

Swords and arrows never harm her,

But men are stuck with heavy armor

Instead of a chainmail thong

Because if men could wear female armor

They’d be unbelievably strong.

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No matter your age or your weight or your sex,

If you like Raisin Bran or prefer Chex,

There comes a time when the day is all done

You bid fond farewell to the moon and the sun

And fade into fancy, a limerent land

Where nothing is normal and banished is bland,

Where poets can prosper and perchance partake

In fantasy simply for fantasy’s sake.

I wish you good venture into such a place

As the slackness of sleep falls fast on your face.

Sleep now, and linger beyond the awake

Where nothing is real but nothing is fake.

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Strawberry Girl

Strawberry girl who smiled at me,

I can’t help but wonder who it is you see.

Is it a ghost? In your heart I haunt

With illusory promise of all that you want;

Or is it a man who won’t stop the fight

To find you? Which one of us brings you delight?

Strawberry girl who gave me a kiss,

When we’re apart which me do you miss?

Is it the thought of the way that you feel

Like each moment we are is too sweet to be real;

Or is it the man protecting the bruise

Someone left on his heart? Which me will you choose?

Strawberry girl who held me one day,

I will be your man, whether mortal or fey;

A dream or a person, a prayer or a mind;

Someone to be cherished or else left behind.

You are a woman, but also a thought,

And I’ll be your man whether you’re here or not.

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