Tag Archives: Fantasy

Watch… It’ll Be A Baby Name Too In 2035

A fantasy author was getting tired

Of calling things dragons, and so he hired

A marketing guru and said “Hey, it’s lame

“That all of these dragons have the same name!”

So the marketing guru sat down and thought

That people didn’t use “Y” quite a lot,

So he proposed the namesWyvern and Wyrm

And both those became an acceptable term.

Alas, Mr. writer will probably live

Long enough for his stories to give

The inevitable climax, the ultimate sin:

A book where the monster is spelled as “Dragyn”.

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What People Who Don’t Play D&D Think It Is

“If I had a mugwump

For every warlock I

Smote fiercely with a fireball

I’d have six succubi!”

Thus spake the rogue of Harkenfell

Who wields a lengthy blade;

Many orcs by it were slewn

And many damsels laid.

The cleric sighed disdainfully,

The fighter’s belly shook,

The paladin had left the inn,

The wizard read a book,

And I the bard wrote verse on this,

The wandering hero’s life

For I am a virginal roleplayer

With a very un-roguish knife.

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And You Thought They Just Slept A Lot And Licked Themselves!

Nobody knows the journey of a cat:

Where they go or what they do,

What secret groves within they sat

Or fearsome vermin that they slew.

No one knows the lives they’ve saved

And the worlds they lost in vain.

Such is the mystery of the cat;

Both majesty and pain.

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She’s Actually Not, But The Punchline Makes Me Seem Desperate, And Desperation Is Funny

My girl is sexier than yours.

She could knock hinges off doors.

She has pretty knees and toes

And looks good with and without clothes.

She has pretty auburn hair

And says fancy stuff like “Au contraire”.

She’s the girl I’m going to marry…

Who cares if she’s imaginary?

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Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed

All the women who play video games

And complain about bikini armor

Never seem to complain about how

Swords and arrows never harm her,

But men are stuck with heavy armor

Instead of a chainmail thong

Because if men could wear female armor

They’d be unbelievably strong.

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Dreamland

No matter your age or your weight or your sex,

If you like Raisin Bran or prefer Chex,

There comes a time when the day is all done

You bid fond farewell to the moon and the sun

And fade into fancy, a limerent land

Where nothing is normal and banished is bland,

Where poets can prosper and perchance partake

In fantasy simply for fantasy’s sake.

I wish you good venture into such a place

As the slackness of sleep falls fast on your face.

Sleep now, and linger beyond the awake

Where nothing is real but nothing is fake.

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Strawberry Girl

Strawberry girl who smiled at me,

I can’t help but wonder who it is you see.

Is it a ghost? In your heart I haunt

With illusory promise of all that you want;

Or is it a man who won’t stop the fight

To find you? Which one of us brings you delight?

Strawberry girl who gave me a kiss,

When we’re apart which me do you miss?

Is it the thought of the way that you feel

Like each moment we are is too sweet to be real;

Or is it the man protecting the bruise

Someone left on his heart? Which me will you choose?

Strawberry girl who held me one day,

I will be your man, whether mortal or fey;

A dream or a person, a prayer or a mind;

Someone to be cherished or else left behind.

You are a woman, but also a thought,

And I’ll be your man whether you’re here or not.

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Playground

Some people bought the story

Of pursuing fame and glory,

Of health and wealth and growing,

Running forward, never slowing.

I see those people every day,

Each burned out in their own way,

Faces lined by years and hassle;

I laugh inside my cardboard castle.

They are knights in shining armor,

Not satisfied to be a farmer,

Dying for causes another chose;

My armor is purple pillows.

They fight over feelings they never said,

Fighting a thought they’ve trapped in their head

For fear if people knew what they thought

They’d be revealed as someone not doing so hot.

I know I’m a no-one, and no I don’t care

As I play in my sandbox in fresh autumn air.

Maybe you mock me, but maybe you doubt;

After all, what if fun is what life’s all about?

What if the crusaders, celebrities, kings

Understand medals are just metal things?

What if they know, but their leisure depends

On you staying tired and having no friends?

Do you want to know if enough is enough,

If the pain doesn’t pay for the meaningful stuff?

Care to discover if your dreams can come true?

My castle has enough space to fit two…

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Worth Waiting For

One day a boy was throwing stones

At nothing in the wood

When he struck the belly of

A creature pure and good,

A unicorn of golden mane,

A thing so unexpected

He hardly knew what he could do

The moment they connected.

He knew just what the creature was,

For one cannot mistake

A unicorn for something plain,

An angel for a rake.

He laid his hands upon it

And for some time they were one

Until the moon had passed ahead,

The herald of the sun.

And when the boy had fallen

Into sleep, as boys must do,

The unicorn turned to the North

And took a step, then two,

And when the boy awoke again

His heart was full of light

As he looked for where the unicorn

Had cantered in the night.

At first he was uncertain,

Even fearful in his thought

For wherever he went looking

There the unicorn was not.

To chase it would be folly;

To lose it would be doom;

So he made himself be visible

And gave it lots of room.

He smiled while he waited

‘Til the smile hurt his face,

Then he cried and laughed alternately

And prayed aloud for grace.

The boy is waiting as we sleep,

For sleep we all must do,

Until he hears the hooves again

Come Southward, one, then two.

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A Halfass Ballad

Come all ye round and sit ye down

And hear me lonesome tune

About a man who dreamed to show

The whole wide world the moon.

He dreamt of walking round in space

And that breathtaking view

And yet alas, a dream of NASA

Never could come true.

For this here lad of whom we sing

Was born without a feature

Incurable by brilliant minds

Or the nation’s finest teacher.

The man, who’s name we shall not say

For fear what he might do

Was born with only one buttock…

Just half the normal two!

Now don’t ye mock the man who had

That single wondrous cheek,

The sight of which could shush a bitch

And make her knees grow weak.

Oh yes, the ladies stopped and stared

And many more went mute

When they’d walk by the halfass guy

And his one glorious glute.

Alas, with but a half a butt

The fellow couldn’t run,

And so he’d sit and tan a bit

In rain or sleet or sun,

Leaving all a full display

The privilege of his birth:

And in the night the moon so bright

Shone on the moon of Earth.

Now in the water by the beach

Whereon our hero tanned

There lived a mermaid of the sea

With hair like golden sand

Who also wore no clothes to hide

Her modesty from view,

And soon she fell in love, for she

Had just one buttock too.

She sang a song of ocean life:

How living in the sea

Was not unlike the moon in that

It lacked most gravity.

She beckoned him to join her in

A land both wet and wild

To share a life of happiness

With many a one-cheek child.

Our hero was quite skeptical,

For of the girls he knew.

Could a lass with half an ass surpass

A lass whose ass had two?

And more important in his mind

Was if he could adjust

To a woman who, as all could view,

Had also but one bust?

Yet as she sang, way up and down

Did heave that single breast

And with such grace his dream of space

Was soon but second best.

And so they left the land alone,

No longer to breath air.

And thus one perfect buttock was

Half of a perfect pair.

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