When arguing online you do
Your foe may fail to convince you,
May reject logic, spew rhetoric,
And end up looking pathetic,
May cite false studies, make up a fact,
Surrender any façade of tact,
May display no virtue and every sin,
But alas, my friend, you still won’t win.
Filed under Poems
Don’t want to marry just some girl.
I’m looking for a wholesome girl.
A girl whose lack of cleavage
Warms my big platonic heart.
A girl who thinks that working’s
Not synonymous with twerking.
A girl who skips the bar
Because she wants to look at art.
I want to find a happy lass
Who doesn’t want to shake her ass,
Who goes to church on Sundays
And buys ice cream from a truck,
Who’s pure and chaste and sweet
And, instead of “lit,” says “neat.”
But I also want Beyonce,
So I’m feeling kinda stuck…
Filed under Poems
I’m feeling kinda down
Like a king without a crown.
I’m cowardly, as yellow as they come.
I’ve read like half a million books
By a bunch of chefs and cooks
But about sustainability I’m still dumb.
I thought maybe I’d fit in
If I changed my skin
But this spray-tan makes me look like that guy on the news.
You put it all together
In the rain or sunny weather…
I’ve got the well-read, not-green, yellow, orangey-white guy blues.
Filed under Poems
Poetry
Is like a knee;
It certainly has it’s place
But we’ll agree
Whether poem or knee
It’s better off not in your face.
Filed under Poems
When I’m with you
The sun shines brighter,
The water’s warmer,
My body’s lighter.
When I’m with you
I am flavorful, raw.
I just wish you’d get rid of
This hook in my jaw!
Filed under Poems
Imagine a street,
Dark and quiet.
Something moves
But you can’t quite spy it…
Dissonant soundtrack
Fades to naught
And from the dark…
GIANT SATANIC CLOWN ROBOT!!!
Yeah… jump scare loses something…
Filed under Poems
Some days you’re “E” as in Excellent,
Some days you’re “A” as in Awesome,
Some days we’re together, just “U” and “I,”
But this morning I’m “O” for Opossum.
Filed under Poems
Someone called me “Nincompoop”
Which didn’t seem fair to me.
Alas, that someone only laughed
When I called him “Nincompee.”
Filed under Poems
If you’re brazen as a basilisk,
Audacious as a drake,
Cocky as a colossus,
Saucy as a snake,
If a wyvern wouldn’t scare you
And a wyrm won’t give you palsy
Then my compliments to you dear friend
‘Cause you are this.
Filed under Poems
To have a snazzy nickname
Like Ultra, Swabs, or Fish:
That was my desire,
My one and only wish
‘Til today I walked down broadway
And someone yelled “hey, herpes guy!”
Somehow I’m not happy
Though my wish is satisfied…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 