Tag Archives: Internet

Xfinitely Bad

If I lived under a rock,

Knew no news and bought no stock,

I’d find a slug to be my pet

And have much better internet.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Towers of Solitude Circa 2020 (Dragons Not Included)

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who’s the fairest of them all?

Sorry princess, I can’t say…

Your credit card expired today.

Mirror, mirror of denial,

What about my winning smile?

Princess, although my heart leapt

That’s not a payment I accept.

Mirror, mirror I don’t know,

I’ve got a new email so…


Want a two-week free trial of the best mirror yet?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems


A side effect of internet

Expanding the nobodies’ voices

Is what were once called parodies

Are now called valid choices.

Opinions so abhorrent

That no one would speak in person

Are fodder for hysteria,

A fate I fear will worsen.

No civil conversation

Can withstand the hate of distance,

And leaving online life

May be the only sane resistance.

What evidence have I

That things are dire as I claim?

Well, someone unironically

Wrote “Firefly is lame.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Wherein A First-Time Internet Dater Realizes Honesty Is Overrated

I have no ambition,

Motivation, manly vigor.

I have very little money

And just three inches down there.

I wish I were more macho,

Richer, smarter, or just bigger

But your ad said if I’m honest

Then you really couldn’t care.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Guess What I Did This Afternoon!

When arguing online you do

Your foe may fail to convince you,

May reject logic, spew rhetoric,

And end up looking pathetic,

May cite false studies, make up a fact,

Surrender any façade of tact,

May display no virtue and every sin,

But alas, my friend, you still won’t win. 

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The Internet Circa November 2016

You know when you lose

And you feel pretty lame

But you shake hands

And tell your partner “good game?”

I hope that you don’t

Because that old-fashioned crap is dead.

Losing is for losers.

Inaugurate Bernie instead!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

I’ll Probably Just End Up Unsubscribing Anyway…

There is a website 

That hands out free money,

Feeds hungry children,

And makes dreams come true.

I didn’t go there.

I’d have to make an account

And I’ve too many passwords

Already. Don’t you?

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Vive L’Internet!

It’s 41 Farenheit

Outside my room.

It would be warm in Alaska

And cold in Khartoum.

In my car, my spedometer

Says 73.

That’s slow if you’re metric

But fast if you’re me.

Lots of life’s relative;

Could be good, could be bad,

But at least we agree

There’s arguments to be had!

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

As Seen On Youtube

Have you ever been walking,

Not thinking at all,

When you look up

And in love you fall?

I almost did

At 10:30 today,

Except that stupid pole

Got in the way.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems