Tag Archives: Internet

I WOULD RATHER GIVE SATAN’S PET PORCUPINE A BLOWJOB THAN HAVE FRONTIER INTERNET ONE MORE SECOND

Right now it’s been 21 minutes

Since I started loading my homework

And the first question still hasn’t loaded.

I imagine sometime in the future

When the sun is a distant memory

And perhaps the whole universe has imploded

I’ll finally look at my laptop

And see “Question 1 of 16”

Blinking at me from the shadows of collapsing stars…

Well, it’s been seven more minutes

Since I started writing this poem

So thank goodness my Wifi says I have three bars!

Edit: It’s Viasat, actually. (This is the Upgrade from Frontier. Leave none alive)

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No, I Don’t Have Friends. Why Do You Ask?

Don’t you love when you decide

“I should update my browser app”

And then two hours later

It’s like the internet took a nap

And you’re wishing you could google

What to do when the web is slow

But your browser app is downloading

And there’s nowhere to go

So instead of browsing

Through memes and news and stuff

You finally say “Screw it”

And admit enough’s enough

And go into the world again

And gaze on nature’s splendor?

I don’t. I write poems instead.

How’s that for a comedic ender?

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By The Way, Why Did Didn’t

Today I wrote

“Why did the chicken cross the road”

And someone petty replied

“You forgot the question mark…

“You meant ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’”

So I went out and bought a chicken

And named it Why Did

And I commanded it:

“Why Did the chicken, cross the road!”

That’s what random internet people get

For being grammar nazis.

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How To Win The Internet

My most popular poem has 58 likes.

Second place has just 24.

It’s caused me to think, and even consider

Just writing to please the bots more.

After all, if what gets me exposure

Is whatever the A.I. likes best

Is that not the way to become popular

And say to the world, “I’m the best?”

And that, my dear readers, is madness!

It’s crap of the highest degree,

A symptom of how the internet age

Can inspire such insanity.

Art doesn’t need to be popular;

Life doesn’t need to be flawless;

When the rules of the game are to lie, cheat, and steal

Then the answer is just to be lawless.

I’m not going to think about numbers.

I’m not going to worry about views.

I’m going to write about what makes me happy

Instead of what’s big in the news.

And if you are willing to venture

To a world where you’re thought of as “lame”

I think you’ll find what happiness comes

When you too quit the internet game.

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If You Don’t Remember “Hang Up The Phone, I Need To Yahoo Search Something,” You’re Too Young To Get This Poem

One low buzz, eleven beep-boop

Ba-ba-ba beeps

Then six seconds of static

That gives you the creeps,

Then the death metal chorus

Played on a child’s toy

And the internet is yours to use.

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

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The REAL Cause of Global Warming (and How to Fix It)

Before the internet was made

Antarctica was nice:

Just peaceful people chilling

On an endless sheet of ice.

But after wifi came along

Antarctica, once fine,

Fell immediately into

Inescapable decline

Because one lonely penguin

(Or perhaps a polar bear)

Signed on to ye olde internet

Just to see what’s there.

That was when the searcher

Received the first and fatal clue:

“Are you feeling lonely?

“Check out hot singles near you.”

Now I am not a penguin

(Nor am I a polar bear)

But whatever sorry animal saw

The advertisement there

Went looking for hot singles

Due to loneliness they felt,

Not thinking that the hotness

Just might cause the ice to melt.

Now we find Antarctica

Is little more than ocean

Because of one’s animal needs

(At least that is my notion).

So if we want the glaciers back

And want to stop tides rising

My must delete the internet

(At least that’s my surmising).

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Xfinitely Bad

If I lived under a rock,

Knew no news and bought no stock,

I’d find a slug to be my pet

And have much better internet.

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Towers of Solitude Circa 2020 (Dragons Not Included)

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who’s the fairest of them all?

Sorry princess, I can’t say…

Your credit card expired today.

Mirror, mirror of denial,

What about my winning smile?

Princess, although my heart leapt

That’s not a payment I accept.

Mirror, mirror I don’t know,

I’ve got a new email so…

fancychick@web.net

Want a two-week free trial of the best mirror yet?

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TWITTER HAS GONE TOO FAR!!!

A side effect of internet

Expanding the nobodies’ voices

Is what were once called parodies

Are now called valid choices.

Opinions so abhorrent

That no one would speak in person

Are fodder for hysteria,

A fate I fear will worsen.

No civil conversation

Can withstand the hate of distance,

And leaving online life

May be the only sane resistance.

What evidence have I

That things are dire as I claim?

Well, someone unironically

Wrote “Firefly is lame.”

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Dear Internet: Why The Exception?

You can’t mock someone ’cause they’re fat,

Ugly, stupid, stuff like that.

You can’t make jokes about a race

(At least not to somebody’s face).

You can’t gay-bash, slut-shame, or mock

The way one laughs or thinks or talks.

But you can defame or spew hate at

Those with neckbeards or a fedora hat.

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