Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Tag Archives: Silly
Chemistry
Blood is thicker than water.
Water is thicker than air.
Air isn’t thicker than anything
Which doesn’t seem very fair.
So chemists invented some elements
That made air feel less thin,
Thus air is thicker than helium.
So did modern science begin.
Filed under Poems
Not Your Average Love
She was a starving art history student,
Forced by fate towards whatever was prudent,
Yet she had a temptation she could not evade…
A man, in a sense, who with her heart played.
He was the Egyptian God of the dead,
With unlimited power and an animal’s head,
Yet despite devestation he doled out at will
His heart had an urge that he just couldn’t kill.
Her focus was on just money and Monet.
All of existence was under his sway.
She spent her days in the study of cubists.
He spent his evenings just being Anubis.
Somehow the two met at a holiday party.
She thought him a bad boy. He thought her a smarty.
The exchanged numbers and met up for brunch.
She loved his mystique. He loved how her bones crunch.
Yet, deep as their love was, they each said good bye
For they’d not live together unless she would die.
So ends the tale of this starcrossed romance
Of a girl and a God, both with un-gotten-into-pants.
Filed under Poems
Honest Kids
I said “kinda farty,”
And mommy got mad.
That’s what her dinner tasted like.
Now I live alone with Dad.
Filed under Poems
Dr. Seuss Beware!
There was a skunk named Dink
Who didn’t stink,
Which, at least for Dink, stank.
He played at skunk school
But smelled really cool
And thus his social standing sank.
They flunked the poor skunk
And he packed up his trunk.
He greatly disliked the school’s thinking,
But he too understood
Skunks can’t be what they should
If said skunks stunk like Dink did at stinking.
Filed under Poems
Night Shift (Every Walmart Ever)
Sleepwalking,
Night stalking…
Insomnia is killing me.
Dead of night,
I feel no fright.
Just a few more hours ’til I’m free.
With empty hearts
And bulging carts
They leave my shelves so very bare.
Their hands are deep
In all that’s cheap.
At these poor beasts I stare.
All these hours
Living in a haze
Just a few more days
On the night shift.
I waste my life
Repeating strife,
Putting boxes back on the shelves.
My peers and I
Just want to cry,
Go home and be all by ourselves.
I ain’t got paid,
But I’ve quit and stayed.
Oh! How that paycheck calls…
I say I’ll walk,
But it’s all talk.
I haven’t got the balls.
All these hours
Hoping its a phase.
Counting down the days
On the night shift.
Then in an instant
I hear the TV:
“Todays winning numbers are
“7, 6, 5, 4, 3.”
Thirty-eight million dollars
Are mine! All mine! Then…
My boss yells “you’re fired
“If you doze off again.”
All these hours
And finally an excuse…
No need for such abuse…
Time to take another snooze…
On the night shift.
Not Really… #YOLO
Thirty-six hours in the hospital
And $17,000 dollars later
I regret my Halloween in Florida
And bobbing for that gator…
Filed under Poems
And That Is Why Some People Shouldn’t Have Dragons…
If I get a pet dragon
(For business or for kicks)
I’ll hide it in my dungeon
And prob’ly call it Trix.
I’ll feed it little children
To give it a dragon’s fix,
But mostly for the privilege of saying
“Silly rabbit, kids are for Trix!”
Filed under Poems
The Agonies And TheEcstasies Of Being An Extremely Niche Web Celebrity
Nickelback called me
To let me know
They wrote a song
Inspired by my life.
Part of me feels
Honored by their intention,
But I’ll never listen to the song
Which should save me some strife.
Filed under Poems
He Had Seven Vowels And No Courage
I played scrabble
With my chihuahua.
I played “encumbrance”
Then took a shower,
Hiked twenty miles,
Went to work, went to bed,
Then came back to find
My chihuahua had fled.
It hadn’t played letters,
And my face grew a grin.
I may’ve lost my dog
But still an overall win.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 