On, two, three, four!
Kill us dead, we’ll rise once more.
Five, six, seven, eight!
Unending hunger we must sate.
Tired, hungry, cranky, dead,
We want to open up your head.
Under sun or under rains,
Go go zombies! Eat their brains!
Uuuuuuugh… ZOMBIES!
Filed under Poems
I’ve done it! I’ve built it!
The world’s greatest zoo.
Not a species is missing.
God, I did it for you.
This park is so glorious
And my heartstrings are straining.
We might even get customers
If it stops all this raining.
They say you cannot fit square pegs
Into circular holes.
But a square peg isn’t inferior,
It just plays different roles.
So everyone has a job to do,
A reason they were born,
But some folks don’t fit in as well,
Like me, the unicorn.
I cannot do a lot of jobs
‘Cause I don’t have any hands,
And I don’t know jobs whose benefits
Include access to grazing lands.
So since I can’t find real work
I became a line of merchandise,
The reason you’ve never seen me
Is ’cause I walk around in disguise.
I’m satisfied with life as is,
But if I had the choice
I’d be reborn as a nazgul’s horse
‘Cause mares dig bad horse boys.
Filed under Poems
I went to climb a climbing wall
This weekend, called “The dome.”
I did decently, but I wanted
To get practice back at home.
So I stuck a spike into a wall
Intent to reach the top.
I would have made it too,
Except the building made me stop.
That’s when I learned this lesson:
If you want to climb a mountain
Practice with a non-supporting wall
On which the building is not countin’.
Filed under Poems
Were I to write this poem
Like an academic paper
I would start by saying what I want to say.
I would then go into the body
Of the work in which I write
What I’ve said, but in many different ways.
It goes on like this for a while,
Me saying what I’ve said
And comparing to what others said before.
Then I’d conclude this poem
By summing what I said I’d say,
And that’s why academia’s such a bore.
Filed under Poems
I think North America
Should no longer be a continent,
And should stop speaking English
Since it causes so much discontent.
We no longer bother to say “OK,”
Settling for just the second letter,
And just add “man” to any phrase
And man, that phrase gets better.
So my argument is this-
We should take this great dry land
And join back up with England, man,
As another Cayman Island.
Filed under Poems
What’s all this talk about pickle bread?
Why’s it so hush hush? Do you know?
And why’s it predominately women
Who enjoy this fancy new dill dough?
Oh.
Filed under Poems
Remember that time
That there was that thing
That did all the stuff
And then it went ding?
Well I think it came back,
Though for sure I don’t know,
But if it wasn’t that vague thing
Then where’d my mind go?
You think of the pinstripes,
The mitts, cleats and bats.
You think of the jerseys
And the old baseball hats.
But did you ever think
About the life of the ball?
Smacked around all day long,
Built to fly, made to fall.
Schwunk! Went the bat
And up the ball flew,
Two hundred feet up
Into the beautiful blue.
But this time the ball
Had had enough of this life,
So he stayed up in the air
For the rest of his life.
He flew off to Cuba
And made it his home.
Now that, girls and boys,
Is why we play under a dome.
Filed under Poems
They said I was a troglodyte,
A crass and vulgar man
Because I sold kids candy
From the back seat of my van.
I know, it looks kind of creepy,
But what’s a man to do
When his candy store burned down
And he’s got holes in his shoes?
So if you wonder why I’m barefoot
Riding this skateboard down the road
With a bag of chocolate insects
Knocking on the door of your abode,
That’s why. Now I beseech you
To buy some chocolate covered ants.
I take cash, credit, or check,
Or I’d accept your extra pants.
Filed under Poems
