Tag Archives: Disaster

The Last Words Spoken To Me At My Customer Service Job Before My “Involuntary Retirement Was Expedited” On Account Of “Unbecoming Physical Demonstrations”

“You know those days

Where everything’s bad,

Everything hurts,

Everyone’s mad,

Nobody’s happy,

And nothing is true?

I don’t, but you’re nodding,

So it sucks to be you!”

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The True Stories Are The Best, And The Best Deserve Many Likes And Comments

A spin across the border

Up to Canada I go

But as the guards interrogate

My engine starts to slow.

A bit of coaxing later

There’s a spitter-sputter-spop!

And off I go, yet unaware

I won’t make it to my stop.

I travel down the highways

91 and 99

Going Northward to Vancouver

And my truck’s still going fine.

I pull into a left turn lane

And my heart can only drop

‘Cause the green arrow says “go”

And my engine says “nah, stop.”

And so I try a jump start

To no avail, I hate to say.

911 responds and sends

A friendly tow truck on its way.

The nicest driver ever

Hooks up chains and ropes and all

And we drive back to America

Truck as f***ed up as Darth Maul.

Now a tow truck is a large machine

That can’t turn on a dime

And the driver drops me kindly

At the border crossing line.

I wait and wait and wait and wait

Until the light turns green

And thus begins the uphill push

Of my alternator-less machine.

I push up to the crossing

Halfway out and halfway in

$270 Canadian poorer

But back where I said “begin.”

So for a second tow I wait

Watching hour hands tick by.

If this poem’s unusually thoughtful, well

You know the reason why.

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Remember November

What’s sharp and made of plastic

And smells like chalk and spit?

I don’t know, but I’d enjoy

A chance to vote for it.

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Modern Sports

Thwunk!

Up goes the ball.

Oooh!

Up goes the excitement.

Aaaah!

Uo goes the hot dog guy into the ambulance.

Click!

Up go the youtube views.

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Playtime’s Over

Tiny white flakes

Fall past my window

Onto the sidewalk,

Each one unique,

Their lives so short.

Those kids got what they deserved

For early morning bed-jumping

With the window open.

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Chemistry

The “boom” at the end of the year

Was the doom of my teaching career.

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One Big Misunderstanding

The big red button

Says “do not press,”

Which is why it’s wrinkly.

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The Goat

It started three months prior
To the day you read this verse.
I was a happy man, but lonely;
Yes, aloneness was my curse.

I was proud of my yard, my grassy lawn
Complete with concrete gnome,
So fastidious and orderly
Just like my humble home.

But such a life wears on the soul,
So I went shopping for a pet.
A creature wise and comforting:
On this my mind was set.

But dogs are mean or stupid
And fish are such a bore.
Cats are huffy, rodents gross,
And birds are but a chore.

And so I found an animal
As a perfect pet for me;
It was fluffy, loving, and unique,
But it was not to be…

If, with goats, you’re unfamiliar,
As I was, that fateful day,
Then know this: They are a stomach
Sent from Hell, on Earth to stay.

Within the first eight hours
My perfect yard was gone.
My gnome was now in hiding
And a wasteland was my lawn.

But that dammed bearded invader
Was not satisfied at that,
And I need no longer pet sit
For my neighbor’s tabby cat.

My car has no more tires.
My cereal has no bowl.
The goat ate my begonias,
And then it ate my soul.

My pet, it needed punishment,
But I did not know the way.
Luckily I got some “guidance”
From Leonardo’s Greek café.

‘Twas three months ago it started,
That a companion I did seek.
Today I seek another.
Maybe something with a beak?

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Answer: All Credibility

Like a polyester sunset
On a foreign moon
My tangerine and violet pants
Will make the ladies swoon.

I know I am an icon
Since I bought my puce fedora
And an indigo graphic t-shirt
About the African diaspora.

I’ve got a turquoise leather coat
And burgundy canvas shoes.
I’m going to make a statement.
What have I got to lose?

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Climb Every Other Mountain

I went to climb a climbing wall
This weekend, called “The dome.”
I did decently, but I wanted
To get practice back at home.

So I stuck a spike into a wall
Intent to reach the top.
I would have made it too,
Except the building made me stop.

That’s when I learned this lesson:
If you want to climb a mountain
Practice with a non-supporting wall
On which the building is not countin’.

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