Tag Archives: Academia

Thus Was Born A PhD

The problems with school are many

But the primary lamentation

Is that the methodology

Lacks invigorating implementation.

Instead of “teaching math”

We could promote symbolic logic.

Instead of “reading textbooks”

Let’s devour tomes-pedagogic.

Instead of “learning new words”

Let’s rejuvenate the vernacular.

It’s these zeitgeist-alterations

That would make school more spectacular.

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Thus Wrote Academia

If you can say something,

And can even say it twice,

And then again in a different way

That sounds just as nice,

And then repeat it one more time,

Then twice more for good measure,

And in that way go on and on

Then you and I share a treasure.

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Econ 400, Minute 1

Via obfuscatory principles
And derivative pomp
It is my imperative to greet you
To my academic romp,

Wherein the equilibrium,
Elasticities, and curves
Shall give M. Night Shyamalan
Envy of my topical swerves.

I do hope to saturate you
In the ways of Bayes and Nash
While displaying free-market principles
By trading good grades for cash.

Please infer your syllabus,
Or you shan’t this lecture win.
Now, like a prisoner’s dilemma,
To start, we must begin…

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The Money/Trees Quandary: A Contemporary discussion of the Fiscal and Sociological Impacts of Wild Currency

If money grew on trees
We’d see fewer thieves,
And we’d have a new perspective
On the growing of mint leaves.

If money grew on trees
The forests would be shining
And all the coins as foliage
Would cut back the need for mining.

If money grew on trees
Then natural selection
Would show us who new world leaders are
Before their big election.

If money grew on trees
Interest in forests would grow.
No one would buy stocks;
Their investments would really grow.

If money grew on trees
Fewer fires would start via smoker
And Casinos all would move outside
For better games of poker.

If money grew on trees
One question still remains
Which raises important fiscal concerns:
What happens when it rains?

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The Term Paper Poem

Were I to write this poem
Like an academic paper
I would start by saying what I want to say.
I would then go into the body
Of the work in which I write
What I’ve said, but in many different ways.

It goes on like this for a while,
Me saying what I’ve said
And comparing to what others said before.
Then I’d conclude this poem
By summing what I said I’d say,
And that’s why academia’s such a bore.

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Good Morning Moon

Originally composed in 2012, this epic poem spans the bridge between treatise and children’s poetry.  It reveals to us our own ephemeral lifestyle of insults, mindlessness, depression, old ladies whispering “hush,” and the African tourism industry  Now, published for the first time, this masterpiece of modern literature, no, the definition of the future of art, is made accessible to the general public.  Also, the emperor’s new wardrobe has arrived).


Good morning room,

Good morning moon.

Why are you up in the day

You stupid buffoon?


Good morning chairs

Good morning bears.

Good morning kittens

And the hairballs they spittin’s.


Good morning clocks

And good morning socks.

And green eggs and ham rocks

In a box with a fox.


Good morning comb

And good morning brush.

I feel like a nobody…

My heart turns to mush.

(And something about an old lady

Whispering “Hush.”)


Good bye stars

And good bye air.

I’m going on vacation to somewhere in Zaire.


You get it, right?

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