Once upon a time there was sugar
Until some guy made a ball
That was entirely made out of sugar
But harder to swallow it all
And people decided to buy it,
This sugary sphere that was built,
For to swallow ten times as much spit in a day
But without all that damnable guilt.
They represent the lollipop guild
And they made sure I knew, the little F***ers.
They sang it so proudly, but I resisted the lure.
I know that it’s just a guild for suckers.
I live in a really disgusting house.
It’s sticky and melts in the rain
And when wild animals chew on my walls
Baking them again is a pain.
I can’t stand my gumdrop garden
And it draws human children like crack.
At least the kids, while noisy and rude,
Can make for a pretty good snack.
There’s a monster hiding
In a mountain of sugar and fat.
It calls to me.
I cannot flee,
But I’m okay with that.
Today’s November first,
Which is National Candy Day.
You celebrate it by getting sick
And throwing your diet away.
You’ve tasted the rainbow plenty,
And if your pee isn’t purple yet
You can drive down to the grocer
For surplus, cheap as shet.
Today you do not feel guilt.
Just ignore the nausea,
Because capitalism depends on you
And post-costume nostalgia.
They said I was a troglodyte,
A crass and vulgar man
Because I sold kids candy
From the back seat of my van.
I know, it looks kind of creepy,
But what’s a man to do
When his candy store burned down
And he’s got holes in his shoes?
So if you wonder why I’m barefoot
Riding this skateboard down the road
With a bag of chocolate insects
Knocking on the door of your abode,
That’s why. Now I beseech you
To buy some chocolate covered ants.
I take cash, credit, or check,
Or I’d accept your extra pants.
Who the hell takes candy from babies?
Do you know anyone?
It’s a sick sort of thing, and I’m glad people don’t.
Babies just wanna have fun.
So when you are moody, sad or depressed
Or your dog’s been diagnosed with rabies,
Or society bugs you like it bugs me, at least
People don’t take candy from babies.