Why are things funny?
That’s a very good question,
And worth googling.
I decided to
Search for “Funny Picture.” Well,
Here’s the first result:
So, by Google’s thoughts
Coffee tables are funny.
Never would have guessed!
Category Archives: Poems
Hockey
A cloud of partially frozen testosterone wafts across the ice,
A mist of legends past and present.
The fans sit, digesting grease and salt on uncomfortable seats.
The timer starts, the buzzer rings, the announcer screams,
And the teams emerge from the limbo beyond civilian comprehension.
The goalies go to their nets,
The captains to the center,
And they sing the anthems of allied nations,
Friends amidst the competition.
Then the rink explodes!
A flurry of sticks, pucks, and teeth without homes.
Lights flash, buzzers ring, plastic shatters and jerseys tear.
This repeats three times,
And the losers exit loudly.
But the winners stay.
They stay, and whether it’s their first or last time
They experience that fleeting joy
That lasts forever.
The joy of victory.
The joy of hockey.
Filed under Poems
Apathy
I wrote a limerick for you
About apathy, but I didn’t care to
Post it today
So in my quite lazy way
I’m not posting it here, so boo hoo.
Filed under Poems
Your Mom
“I’d like to give a fuck,” he said
As he looked me in the eye,
“But I’m afraid I used my last one up
On your mother the other night.”
And so I asked the fellow,
“Why does it make you proud
To look me in my eye right here
And announce unto the crowd
That you expended a limited sex drive,
and, if I might ask, why in Hades
Would you be so very proud
To score with middle aged ladies?”
And so he slunk off quietly,
And to those who know folks like him:
Do the world a favor,
Just find the guy and spike him!
Filed under Poems
How to Enhance your Boredom
Every now and agin,
When entertainment is thin,
We human beings get bored.
But why must it be
That if bored are we
We cannot have fun? Oh my lord!
For instance if you’ll
Be bored in a pool
That means you’re water board.
And if you find eating dull,
And your food brings a lull,
Then alternatively, you’re fodder bored.
If you’re bored with computers
And can’t define transmuters
Chances are you’re circuit board.
And if you want to have sex,
But you’re bored and depressed,
Go ahead and just furk it bored.
When you go on a sailboat
You’re boarding a ship.
When your date is boring
Just give them the slip.
If you’re on rollers or ice
You could be skate board,
And if you cannot be early,
Be late bored!
And finally if a lion
Who live out in Zion
Whose name is Ford, has roared,
Then it’s quite possible
That specific sort of dull
Is to be as lion Ford roared bored!
Filed under Poems
Super Sweet Blogging
Today I thank a fellow man
Whom I have never met.
He goes by Starscraper99
And I am in his debt
For he has nominated me
(And a host of other blogs)
For the “Super Sweet Blogging Award,”
Which really turns my cogs (in a good way).
So here’s my application, I guess
To be eligible for this award.
I must list off several bloggers
Whose material strikes a chord
In the heart of this here blogger,
And answer some questions too.
So here we go: These are my picks.
Congrats if one is you!
For gamer types, there’s Greywulf’s Lair (greywulf.net)
And “Blog of subdued excitement” (Slightlyhippie.wordpress.com) for those who air
Their private lives upon the net.
And “A soldier’s perspective” (militarygear.com/asp) for civilians and vets.
Now onto the question portion I go.
The first goes like this:
“Cookies or cake?” I must say
I can’t choose, and thus plead the fifth (Although it’s cookies, but that didn’t rhyme).
Next they ask “Chocolate or Vanilla,”
To which I must reply
That chocolate is better in all departments
Except ice cream, where vanilla reigns high.
What’s my favorite sweet treat? I don’t have one.
As long is it’s sweet, then I’m good.
When do I crave sweet things the most?
I guess whenever I’m in the mood.
And finally if I had a sweet nickname
What on earth would it be?
Sweet Travis T. It’s a good moniker.
That’s a few sordid facts about me.
So if you were nominated, here’s what you do:
Thank me in a post on your blog,
Nominate the blogs that you love to read
And answer the questions. Hurrah(g)!
So keep blogging my friends,
I love what you write!
Have a sweet afternoon,
And after that, a good night!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Guest Poem – The Duel at High Noon
(Expectation.)
(Anticipation.)
The crowd draws in its breath,
Watching the tournament of death
On the green grass of Saskatoon
At the dread hour of noon.
(High noon.)
That’s right, it was time for the duel;
The two men had eaten their gruel
And were ready to fight
If not to the death than at least until night.
(Well, the dark is scary!)
In the heat of the day,
An golden eagle flew away
Screeching his terror and fright,
While the gunsmoke was still light….
(There were no guns. Don’t fret.)
The man they called Tiger teed off
With a birdie which no would did scoff,
But a man they called Harrington,
An Irish lad all the way from Paddington.
(Which is in England, but rhymed. More or less.)
The day became hot and they needed a drink,
So suspended their duel with a clink
As their caddies put the clubs away
To cool off for later that day.
(Golf is very hard work.)
But with a few more shots
And sand traps in spots,
The intrepid duelers prevailed,
But with results were not availed.
(It takes time to tally golf scores!)
(ANTICIPATION! Or maybe you don’t care….)
Disney
I look at myself in the mirror
And at those that I call my peers
And I wonder how this generation
Got so messed up in so few years.
Then it hits me like Big Uncle Louie
And the things he would do with his knee:
It isn’t our fault we’re how we are,
It’s the fault of the films of Walt Disney.
Girls have been told since Snow White
That it’s fine to share a home
With seven short, gem-mining strangers,
And to trust only dwarves, never a gnome.
We’ve been taught that marriage
Is right for anyone who
Is beautiful, and is most unacquainted
With their spouse to be. Love is a coup!
And finally they showed us that filthy “Toy Story,”
Which features “Woody” and “Buzz,”
A cowgirl, a slinky, and a kid-hugging bear
That smells like strawberry fuzz.
So if love doesn’t last for our lifetimes,
It’s assuredly not our fault.
It’s the films, meant for fun, that have scarred us.
You can blame our dysfunctions on Walt.
Filed under Poems
Reason to be Happy #1
Who the hell takes candy from babies?
Do you know anyone?
It’s a sick sort of thing, and I’m glad people don’t.
Babies just wanna have fun.
So when you are moody, sad or depressed
Or your dog’s been diagnosed with rabies,
Or society bugs you like it bugs me, at least
People don’t take candy from babies.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Poetry
I do not understand
Why a poem without meter
Or Rhyme
Is still a poem.
I do not understand
Why poets put one word
On a different line
Is it for dramatic
Effect?
I do not understand
How the use of provocative language
Convoluted by anti-bourgeois lexicons
Is considered art.
i do not understand
why not using punctuation
or capitalization
makes the poet look intelligent
or artistic
rather than a putz who failed
first grade english
I do not understand
Why a suitable ending
To a poem like this
Is pointlessly repeating its theme.
I do not understand.
I do not understand
I do not understand.
