Category Archives: Poems

August 19, 2012 · 4:11 pm

Easter Eggs

Easter eggs confuse me.

They do not come from a bunny,

And telling children that they do

Just really isn’t funny.

 

What is funny though

Is in movies, games and books

When the creators add in secret things

You don’t find in the first few looks.

 

And so, as writer’s block set in

This gray and fateful day,

I left an Easter egg for you

Hidden amidst this page.

 

If you can find it, good for you!

Like or comment and let me know.

If you don’t here’s a hint: It’s a question

That resides where the internet knows.

 

 

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August 18, 2012 · 3:02 pm

The Big Shootout

It was high noon on the eighth of June

And the town was hushed as mice.

Two cowpokes faced off outside the saloon,

Their gazes cold as ice.

 

A coyote howled on some distant hill,

But the fighters stances held.

And they stood, and stood, and stood stock still,

Or so I have been telled.

 

Then, lightning fast, Bill Hoover the Blue

Drew his silver gun.

Snakebite Stanley whipped his out too,

And they shot under the scorching sun.

 

No blood was spilled that fateful day,

Though the duo fired twelve rounds.

Two dogs took the bullets, they leapt in the way

And it died, two peace-loving hounds.

 

That fight was intense, under the suns scorching rays

But it was never made into a film, ’cause, well,

You can kill pretty much anything in movies these days

But kill a dog, and you’re going to Hell.

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August 17, 2012 · 5:44 pm

Christian School Cheerleaders

When I was going to middle school

I attended an institution

Which followed Christian philosophy

As a sort of constitution.

 

When I went to high school, I made sure

That It was public, ’cause see here,

Public schools, unlike Christian ones,

Have squads of young leaders of cheer.

 

And frankly, I don’t think it’s fair

That those good Christian girls

Shouldn’t have the same oppurtunity

To shout inanities and do kicks and twirls,

 

So I assembled a brief list

Of appropriate Christian cheers.

So now still be Christian

And be immodest in your high school years:

 

Moses brought commandments a long time ago!
Jesus died on the cross to redeem your soul!
Goooooooo PURITANS!
Jesus crossed the Galilee!
Now we’ll high-kick modestly!
Gooooooo DISCIPLES!

How many goals we got? THREE!
How many goals they got? NUN!

Jesus loves the home team, and the visitors too!
But we now who is gonna win, and we hope that you do too!
Goooo BULL- DOGMAS!
On the first day God created light!
But today we’ll honor him and FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Goooooooo be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground. ”

In other news, I’m going to Hell.

The weather’s nasty, but the Company’s swell.

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August 16, 2012 · 9:05 am

Lost in Translation (With Subtitles)

Dear reader, today I show to you

Dear readers, today show

One of my favorite ways

a favorite
To pass a tiresome hour or two

as South
On sites like Google translate.

Google translate

One simply writes a bit of text,

Simply type the text
A paragraph or two,

or two
Then translates the writing back and forth

Then enter transfer
To a language like French or Urdu.

In languages like French and Urdu

The result, as you will likely see

Therefore it is possible
When this process is repeated

When the process is repeated
In many languages, is humorous

In many languages full of humor.
Because all meaning is deleted.

For this reason it is cancelled.

So that’s my ramble for today.

Now it’s your turn.
I hope you have some fun

Hope you enjoy
Translating things into foreign texts,

Translation of foreign language.
And now I’ve got to run.

Readers jetzt.Wapendwa employment, today show

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August 15, 2012 · 9:37 am

Beavers

The beaver is an animal

That’s really pretty swell.

It’s Canada’s national animal

And it’s waterproof as well.

 

Gosh, I love the Beaver

As it slaps its tail on the water,

And it had a television show

Years before Harry Potter.

 

And guy, I find it snazzy

And I’d venture it’s spiffy too,

That beavers always give a damn

And about them, you can too.

 

So next time a beaver steals your lunch,

Instead of trying to retrieve it,

Just agree to part with food,

And to the beaver, leave it.

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August 14, 2012 · 9:03 am

Money

Isn’t it funny

That we respect money

Although it is nothing but paper?

What I’d like to see

Is when someone like me

Realizes the loopholes of this caper.

 

It would only take one,

Buying a gift for someone,

To walk into the gift-buying store,

And hand out a bill

To the guy at the till,

And the checker asks “What is this for?”

 

“It’s money you see,”

Said a someone like me.

“Now you have to give me your stuff.”

“If that is a threat,

Out of my store you should get,”

Says the checker, and I don’t call his bluff.

 

But why would that man

In the store with the tan

Refuse to accept for his goods

This green piece of cash

That’s no better than trash

If, for instance, you’re stuck in the woods.

 

The answer to this

Is told by the myth

For children that’s called Peter Pan.

The weight money carries,

Just like “I do believe in fairies,”

Is imaginary, like a good movie by M. Night Shyamalan.

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August 12, 2012 · 10:13 am

Love is:

In the woman’s mind:

 

Love begins as a dove:

It is quiet, sublime, and simple.

Love evolves.

It becomes an eagle:

It must be strong to survive, and often it becomes vicious.

Then love is the space shuttle:

There is no limit to where it can fly, and you will see new places the rest of your days.

 

In the man’s mind:

 

Love begin as  a rooster in the suburbs:

It is noisy, the main point is cock, and it alienates you from your friends.

Love evolves, sort of like a Pokemon.

It becomes a Chinese Restaurant:

Basically, cock is still being put in mouths, but you’re not sure if this is what you ordered.

And remember, love is like flatulence:

If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

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August 11, 2012 · 4:40 pm

Thinking

What makes human beings

Different from those other beasts?

Some think it’s thinking.

 

This theory assumes

Other creatures cannot think.

While that might be true…

 

Humans also lack

This innate ability

That lets their brains think.

 

Here are examples:

People at four-way stop signs,

Rap, taxes, Denny’s.

 

 

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August 10, 2012 · 9:45 am

Good Morning Moon

Originally composed in 2012, this epic poem spans the bridge between treatise and children’s poetry.  It reveals to us our own ephemeral lifestyle of insults, mindlessness, depression, old ladies whispering “hush,” and the African tourism industry  Now, published for the first time, this masterpiece of modern literature, no, the definition of the future of art, is made accessible to the general public.  Also, the emperor’s new wardrobe has arrived).

 

Good morning room,

Good morning moon.

Why are you up in the day

You stupid buffoon?

 

Good morning chairs

Good morning bears.

Good morning kittens

And the hairballs they spittin’s.

 

Good morning clocks

And good morning socks.

And green eggs and ham rocks

In a box with a fox.

 

Good morning comb

And good morning brush.

I feel like a nobody…

My heart turns to mush.

(And something about an old lady

Whispering “Hush.”)

 

Good bye stars

And good bye air.

I’m going on vacation to somewhere in Zaire.

 

You get it, right?

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August 9, 2012 · 10:42 am

Heroes

You go out to the movies

To watch a giant screen,

Hoping to be entertained

By J-Lo or Charlie Sheen.

 

But what’s hot at the movies

Are Superheroes.  I must say

That I believe in real life.

We’re all heroes in our way.

 

According to the latest films

Batman was a wealthy man

Who was horribly afraid of bats.

By that logic, I’m Spiderman.

 

Superman came from the sky

And had a funny name (Kal-El).

So pilots named Shaniqua

Are super instead of lame (Well, well).

 

And when I started this poem

It seemed easier than it is.

So I’m leaving, to fix my wrinkly shirt,

‘Cause at the iron, man, I’m a whizz!

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