Tag Archives: Innuendo

The Frog Prince’s Happy Ending

A long time ago in Pacote

A princess would swim in the moat.

A frog said “I’m a knight,”

So she kissed him. That night

She wound up with a frog in her throat.

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The Hamburger… What Were You Thinking Of?

I’ve seen your pictures everywhere.

I love the way you smell.

Some say you’re just a piece of meat

But you’re more… I can tell.

Your buns are round and toasty

And inside you’re tangy sweet

And if I had a bit more money

Then our meeting’d be my treat!

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Sometimes I Get Mated By A Horse… Hehe

The pawns do naught but marching,

And often do they fall

For little more than hoping

That they’ll become queen after all.

The knights and bishops frolick

In the middle of the war,

Killed quickly by the competent

Or else begin to snore.

The rooks are oh so deadly,

The queen more fatal still

For these are weapons useful

To those of any skill.

But in the end I’m happy

That kingliness fell to me.

For every win I get the credit

And if I lose I mate for free!

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Let’s Talk About Mastication

It’s time to talk about

The pleasures of the flesh,

And our senses, touch and taste,

Can again be young and fresh.

I speak about excitement.

I speak of stimulation.

I speak about, of course,

The joy of mastication:

To place a bit of vibrancy

Inside one’s hungry maw

And caress it with the vigor

Of a gyrating human jaw.

I salivate for thinking

Of this thrice-daily delight,

For I masticate at morning

As well as noon and night.

And if I feel the hunger

Of my eternal human needs

I may masticate between meals

By enjoying my nuts and seeds.

And when I feel so lonely

And companionship I want

I go to town and masticate

At my choice of restaraunt.

Such exploits I do recommend,

For they are part of the human condition.

For those who are offended,

Go find mastication’s definition.

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Hit the Road

Her eyes were like headlights
Aglow in the rain.
Her lips were white lines
Guiding me into her lane.
Her body was the horizon
Towards which I would steer,
And her words said to me
“There’s no speed limit here.”

I pulled up beside her
And hoped I looked good,
Intending, I confess,
To get under her hood.
I subtly honked
As I pulled up beside her.
“What’s your name, darling?”
Then someone walked up beside her.

“She is Alexis,”
The newcomer smiled
In that very free way
That was driving me wild.
“And I’m her twin sister,
And my name is Portia.
We’d like to leave town,
But we don’t want to force ya’.”

And so we departed
From that little town,
Just me and two ladies
With the windows rolled down.
Some days you blow out,
Things don’t go like they should.
Other days, like today,
Life’s pretty darn good.

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A Very Clean Poem

There once was a man who lived under a rock.

He liked to watch girls while he stroked his

 

Llama, which was small.  It had been born a runt,

And to top it all off, it had a misshapen

 

Ear,so the man talked to a vet, who said, “Tough luck.

Your llama’s deformed, and I don’t give a

 

Medicine normally for this sort of thang.

But this is a llama I would like to

 

Treat.”  And the vet left his the room and bid the man to sit.

The vet talked to his wife, then he knelt to lick her

 

Lollipop that she had frozen that morn.

Meanwhile, the llama’s owner watched some real dirty

 

Kids sit under trees, cedar and yew.

He thought “Those are children I really want to

 

Get to know better,” but decided against it.

Long story short, the llama got better, and did happily spit.

 

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Disney

I look at myself in the mirror

And at those that I call my peers

And I wonder how this generation

Got so messed up in so few years.

 

Then it hits me like Big Uncle Louie

And the things he would do with his knee:

It isn’t our fault we’re how we are,

It’s the fault of the films of Walt Disney.

 

Girls have been told since Snow White

That it’s fine to share a home

With seven short, gem-mining strangers,

And to trust only dwarves, never a gnome.

 

We’ve been taught that marriage

Is right for anyone who

Is beautiful, and is most unacquainted

With their spouse to be.  Love is a coup!

 

And finally they showed us that filthy “Toy Story,”

Which features “Woody” and “Buzz,”

A cowgirl, a slinky, and a kid-hugging bear

That smells like strawberry fuzz.

 

So if love doesn’t last for our lifetimes,

It’s assuredly not our fault.

It’s the films, meant for fun, that have scarred us.

You can blame our dysfunctions on Walt.

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