Category Archives: Poems

“100 Things” Challenge

As you know, dear reader,

This blog is just for fun.

There’s seldom something serious,

And humor’s number one.

But today I offer something new:

A challenge, if you please.

Try to rid your life of a hundred things.

At this, you should not sneeze.

 

Start out with the simple things:

The games you never play,

Some plates or mugs or napkins,

Or that spinach flavored sorbet.

Then move on to bigger things,

Like clothes you never wear.

Give some of it to charities

And see how people care.

 

Do you really need those picture books

You’ve had since second grade?

A flashlight without batteries,

Or pictures of parades?

Then finally, you’ve rid yourself

Of fifty useless “these.”

You realize now more’s got to go,

And now you’ve reached the keys:

 

The keys of this whole exercise

Is when you’ve given so,

It’s nasty things that hurt you,

That now will have to go.

There’s grudges, grime, and politics,

And yelling on the news.

There’s people who annoy you a lot

And singing lonely blues.

 

And when you’ve gotten rid of

100 needless things,

You’ll suddenly feel freer

And happier than kings.

I hope you take this challenge

And try it out yourself.

Get rid of things you do not need

And endless is your wealth.

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Plato and Play-doh

Plato was a philosopher,

Play-doh is a goop.

Plato had a closet.

Play-doh  has a scoop.

 

Plato wrote and changed the world.

Play-doh isn’t alive.

But I would bet if play-doh wrote

Its writing would change lives.

 

You can contemplate deep writing

Or nom a chewy clot.

The only real difference is

Do you like fun or not?

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Monkey Bars

It’s a hard life being a monkey,

So every Friday night

You can cruise through town, looking to drown

Your worries, or see a fight.

 

You head on down to the monkey bars

Where every monkey’s welcome

To drink a drink and fling their poo

eat lice, and raise some Hell-come.

 

But there’s an ugly fellow,

A gorilla by name of Tim.

When he swings by, the parties over,

And it’s back to the jungle, Jim.

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Lady in Blue

I remember back in high school

When I met a girl at work.

She was dressed in blue and shined like the sun

And never dated jerks.

 

One might say I bought her love

With accessories and trinkets,

But I fashioned up a love contract

And my name, well, I did ink it.

 

Now every time I drive to work

She’s with me all the time.

In the darkness she’s a flash of light.

In my poems, she’s my ryhme.

 

And sometimes we run of of gas,

If you know what I mean.

She waits for me while I fill a can

And polishes her sheen.

 

So if you disagree with the idea

Of marrying an object, tough luck.

Because I will always be faithful

To my lady in blue, my truck.

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A Day Without Travesties?

Occasionally

Days go by without bad stuff.

Thus my writer’s block.

 

Yes indeed, my mind

Is quite blank.  Thus, bad poems.

Even these haikus.

 

I will stop writing

Down these haikus (for today).

Thank you for your time.

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Independence Day by the Numbers

33 score and several years ago

1 little nation waved goodbye

2 England, on this day, the

4th day of July.

 

2day is Independence day!

1 should show one’s pride

4 the patriots who serve our land

2 fight to save our hide.

 

1 should also consider

2day we should show independence.

2day, try being honest to you

4 you are a person of resplendence! (Whatever that means)

 

1 man’s deeds can change the world.

1,000,000s of men are sure to.

2 our fighting men and patriots,

1 bad poet here salutes you!

 

Happy Independence Day!

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Lies

“Oh hello there honey,

I was just out with the boys.

I won’t do it again without telling you.”

(We did more than just make noise).

 

“People of my Country,

I will give you what you want.

For I, like you, am a humble man, all right.”

(Peasants, give me what I want).

 

“I was stuck in traffic.”

“No, your butt does not look fat.”

“Darling, why would someone ever lie to you?”

(They should like the sound of that).

 

We think lies will free us,

Like a “get out of jail free.”

And surely we’ll remember them all because

We lie so damn cleverly.

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Can y0u raed tihs

Seicnsits cliam taht p0elpe can raed

Aynh7nig p0vrided one cdino17on:

Taht the frsit and lsat lteters reiamn the smae.

So I hpoe you can raed tihs rndeitoin.

 

So if you can raed tihs, pealse gvie it a lkie.

But if you do not, I get it.

Smoetmeis I dn’ot rymhe my pemos,

But hlaf of you c’nat tlel aynawy.

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Not So Affluent…

For those of you who did read the poem

That I posted on this blog yesterday,

This sonnet should not cause surprise to them,

For my identity’s taken away.

Now bank accounts and credit cards belong

To Prince Harjinder from Nigeria.

To Lifelock I am singing this sad song.

It was a scam.  I’d no ideria.

Now my mortgage is foreclosed. Makes me sore

That people would do such a nasty thing.

But a Canadian pharmacist yore

Assures me I can get lots of free “bling.”

Disclaimer: I am not really this dumb,

But it makes for funny poems, ho hum!

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Mail Order Affluence

So long suckas!

I got a lucky break!

A crown Prince from Nigeria

Has had trouble with the banks.

 

He’s offering me a deal

That I cannot refuse.

A hundred million dollars,

And he says it’s not a ruse.

 

I sent off to him my SSN

and bank account info today.

I should be awfully wealthy

By Sunday, and then hey!

 

Hey I’m stinking rich, all y’all!

Hey I’m as kingly as Kong.

And I helped bring about a dictator’s downfall.

What about this could possibly be wrong?

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