This poem is a preview from my upcoming book, an as-of-yet untitled collection of 99 How-To Poems. Enjoy!
So you’re having friends or family
For a meal at your abode.
Last time you made a crumby meal,
And, alas, it kinda showed…
Here’s a foolproof strategy
To ensure your reputation
Remains intact. And luckily
It takes little preparation.
To understand one’s audience
Is a chef’s most vital feat.
You would not serve aged lettuce
Or cheese fresh from the teat.
Likewise, the understanding
That a dinner party guest
Mostly wants to be entertained
Will inform your menu best.
So, what food is entertaining
That is also easy to make?
How about a meal where a stripper
Comes jumping out of a cake?
Serve it with a side of green beans
That you got from a can
And your party will be talked about
Agan and agan and agan.
To make this meal, you need a phone
And, for each guest, a plate.
If you plan to use the internet,
Get your McAfee up to date.
Then search or call a while
‘Til you find a girl named “Candy,”
Because that would be ironic,
Which, at parties, comes in handy.
Then order a cake from Costco
To ensure she’ll fit inside.
Then all you’ve got is time to kill
And other time to bide.
And finally when your guests arrive
To partake of your feast
They’ll look around for dinner
But their eyes will find your beast.
By “your beast” I mean the cake,
Not Candy, by the way.
Some might scoff and call you names,
But trust me, that’s okay,
For when they see that cake explode
With the force of an under-clad dame
The word of the week in the neighborhood
Will surely be your name.
So go and throw your dinner bash
And have so much fun it’s a crime.
Rest easy, this plan is foolproof
And saves both time and thyme.
