Tag Archives: Dogs

When Vegetarians Snap

There once was a Chihuahua from next door

That barked, whined, and then barked more.

Eventually he died

And nobody cried.

In other news, now I’m a carnivore.

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When You Speak To A Chihuahua Without A Stupid Accent…

“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”

They said and pulled me to the car.

But they didn’t use a cutesy voice

So I killed them (I had no choice).

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We Should Have Said “Stay…”

In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild

Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.

Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”

And he started to breed them for me and for you.

The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,

A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.

They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”

And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.

But soon came some others, and not for the better:

They came with free handbags and even a sweater.

These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”

And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”

Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones

Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,

And when we accept such weak canines as pets

We’ll know just how low our society gets.

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Man’s Best Friend Meets “The Man”

I was running with my dog

One Wednesday afternoon

When my puppy’s nose did spy

Malodorous raccoon.

Not the type to laugh at fate

My dog took up the chase.

Going zero to sixty in 3.2,

He should’ve won the race.

Alas, he turned a corner

Onto Lincoln Parkway South…

A german shepherd police dog

With radar gun in mouth!

I figured it was funny

Knowing the dog had snatched the gun

But funnier was how my pup

Went sixty to zero in 2.1

We got off with a growl,

The raccoon nowhere in sight.

I guess I should be grateful

That my puppy’s fur is white!

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Dog Years

I was a teenager after a year,

Middle aged by the time I was two.

I’d spend months in a minute chasing a ball

And spent weekends taking a poo.

A scratch on my ears was an hour in heaven

Though it seemed but a second to man.

I wonder if master can feel my time

And pray one of his seconds he can.

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The Problem With Seeing Eye Dogs

My puppy seemed a little lax

So I whipped out his leash and snacks

And hooked him up and took a run

Down past Forever 21.

The air was crisp with breaking dawn.

We passed some neighbors looking on

And heads came out of every door

To see my puppy, lax no more.

We passed the diner and laundromat.

We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).

We jogged the park and strolled the street

To get my pup to pickup his feet.

I took my puppy for a walk

Around and round a city block

And all the while people said

“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”

But we got home all safe and sound

And I unleashed my weary hound

And scratched good boy behind his ears

And then he napped for 15 years.

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All I Want For Christmas…

If you ever give me a puppy

I want you to name it “Trollop”

So I can shout “Trollop”

At the top of my lungs in the park

And not go to prison.

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And Yet We Still Believe It

So began the monologue:

“Yes, of course I’ll train the dog!”

And in hindsight this we see

Was the greatest lie in history.

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Why The Chihuahua Doesn’t To Come In My Room Anymore

I’m burning photographs

Of someone that I loved,

Watching ashes dance

From earth to what’s above

And wondering silently

On how it could have been.

Is unwillingness to forgive

Lack of virtue or actual sin?

I hold his body in my arms…

What’s left of it at least.

Who knew that to a warrior

A simple dog was such a beast?

But now I am alone again

My mind already set

On how I can replace

My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.

*Previously unopened… 😭

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This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It

I think a good name for a dog

Is “Help”

Because when you call after it

Other people look at you

And some of those lookers

Are rich and/or sexy

And enjoy the company

Of cheekily named dogs

And their owners…

Just sayin’.

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