“You’re a good boy! Yes you are!”
They said and pulled me to the car.
But they didn’t use a cutesy voice
So I killed them (I had no choice).
Tag Archives: Dogs
We Should Have Said “Stay…”
In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild
Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.
Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”
And he started to breed them for me and for you.
The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,
A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.
They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”
And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.
But soon came some others, and not for the better:
They came with free handbags and even a sweater.
These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”
And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”
Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones
Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,
And when we accept such weak canines as pets
We’ll know just how low our society gets.
Filed under Poems
Man’s Best Friend Meets “The Man”
I was running with my dog
One Wednesday afternoon
When my puppy’s nose did spy
Malodorous raccoon.
Not the type to laugh at fate
My dog took up the chase.
Going zero to sixty in 3.2,
He should’ve won the race.
Alas, he turned a corner
Onto Lincoln Parkway South…
A german shepherd police dog
With radar gun in mouth!
I figured it was funny
Knowing the dog had snatched the gun
But funnier was how my pup
Went sixty to zero in 2.1
We got off with a growl,
The raccoon nowhere in sight.
I guess I should be grateful
That my puppy’s fur is white!
Filed under Poems
Dog Years
I was a teenager after a year,
Middle aged by the time I was two.
I’d spend months in a minute chasing a ball
And spent weekends taking a poo.
A scratch on my ears was an hour in heaven
Though it seemed but a second to man.
I wonder if master can feel my time
And pray one of his seconds he can.
Filed under Poems
The Problem With Seeing Eye Dogs
My puppy seemed a little lax
So I whipped out his leash and snacks
And hooked him up and took a run
Down past Forever 21.
The air was crisp with breaking dawn.
We passed some neighbors looking on
And heads came out of every door
To see my puppy, lax no more.
We passed the diner and laundromat.
We passed gas stations (and giggled at that).
We jogged the park and strolled the street
To get my pup to pickup his feet.
I took my puppy for a walk
Around and round a city block
And all the while people said
“You’re sick, you freak! Your dog is dead!”
But we got home all safe and sound
And I unleashed my weary hound
And scratched good boy behind his ears
And then he napped for 15 years.
Filed under Poems
All I Want For Christmas…
If you ever give me a puppy
I want you to name it “Trollop”
So I can shout “Trollop”
At the top of my lungs in the park
And not go to prison.
Filed under Poems
Why The Chihuahua Doesn’t To Come In My Room Anymore
I’m burning photographs
Of someone that I loved,
Watching ashes dance
From earth to what’s above
And wondering silently
On how it could have been.
Is unwillingness to forgive
Lack of virtue or actual sin?
I hold his body in my arms…
What’s left of it at least.
Who knew that to a warrior
A simple dog was such a beast?
But now I am alone again
My mind already set
On how I can replace
My unopened* limited-edition Boba Fett.
*Previously unopened… 😭
Filed under Poems
This Poem Doesn’t Rhyme But My English Professor Still Hated It
I think a good name for a dog
Is “Help”
Because when you call after it
Other people look at you
And some of those lookers
Are rich and/or sexy
And enjoy the company
Of cheekily named dogs
And their owners…
Just sayin’.
Filed under Poems
Ensuring Adequate Nutrition To Underprivileged Animals (Oh SNAP!)
Some Americans on food stamps
Are demanding food for pets,
‘Cause “pets are more than something that you own.”
I say cut the stamps
And let Lady eat the tramps…
Save money and kill two birds with one stone!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 