Tag Archives: Scary

Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)

This morning I woke up in Heaven

In my bed at 10:43.

The sun glowed gold. I smiled

And your face smiled back at me.

The coffee and breakfast was ready

With a whole day to spend with my queen.

I looked back at your face and realized

Your body was nowhere to be seen.

Turns out to awaken in Heaven

Is not always as nice as it seems,

Or so I discovered when angels

Began to harmonize songs with my screams.

As I woke back on Earth to the thunder

All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone

I realized Heaven’s got its downsides

And sometimes there’s no place like home.

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True Story Guest Post: The Epic of Hwy 99

Such a travesty is BC Hwy 99I think the guys who built it were blind

Or perhaps were very drunk

This road doesn’t make sense to a duck. 
The road was built for Mario Cart

Level one is 340 degree turns

Level two is curves that lead to un-marked one-lane bridges

Level three add turning trucks

And if that isn’t more than enough 

Level four the deer are suicidal. 

Level five we take away the road signs

Level six adds falling rocks

Level seven adds the rain

Level eight is and 15% grade

Level nine is 10 km/hr on that grade
I don’t want to reach level ten —

Not even the Buddha has that level zen. 
JOFFRE LAKES!

Now it all makes sense!
And at the village intersection 

As the clock strikes midnight, 

We pass the bloody Grim. 

And across a bridge we go 

To be warned of washout conditions. 
I have 99 problems 

And this road is all of them. 

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Mr. Lecter Helps Educate Recent Graduates

“Do what makes you happy”

Is what my first psychiatrist said,

So can you really blame me

When the shrink ended up all dead?

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How I Greet New Neighbors

Like an inexpensive cut of meat

Stewed for many a lukewarm hour

You’re welcome when sold on my street

But far less welcome in my shower.

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KOA Circa 1801

Sparks rise into the cold black air.

We the living huddle by the source.

We’ve a pail of frigid water to wash our hair

And the lot of us smell more or less like horse.

The moon is but a crack in gloomy midnight.

Our dinner was a lukewarm can of beans.

We’re thirsty after hours in harsh sunlight

But there’s no clean water to fill up our canteens.

Somewhere in the blackness comes a growling

And we dare not leave our camp to take a piss.

All the while Daddy is a smiling

While the rest of the family thinks “we paid for this?”

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The Day Our Dungeon Master Went Too Far

Can you imagine

A world without dragons?

A world without wizards

And goblins and knights?

The scary thing is

There are some folks who can

And legend says they don’t use dice

To resolve all their fights…

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Illustration Omitted… You’re Welcome¬†

Yankee Doodle went to town

Riding on a pony.

Scooby and gang ripped his face off

Proving he’s a phony!

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