Tag Archives: Scary

The Enemy of My Enemy

You might be afraid of tigers.

You might run away from a bear,

But when a spider on your ceiling

Can give you such a scare

Think of the microscopic guy

Who made the spider hide up there!

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5:00 AM, The Homes Of Single Women Everywhere

Bloodshot are her yellow eyes,

Pearly white her claws,

And you have been found guilty

Of not following her laws.

She deigns to shake her golden mane

Before she makes you dead,

The only just denouement

For leaving the cat unfed.

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The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle

When I was but a tiny lad,

Not more than eight years old

My mom would tell me “Go to bed”

And I’d do as I was told.

Now I tuck in my 8-year old

And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

And she replies “Keep lecturing me

“And they’ll never hear your screams.”

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Mom Was Right

There comes a time in our epoch

When you face the toughest of fights,

You, insignificant human

Alone with the crusher of lights,

A few hundred pounds of soft tissue

Versus a beast from which no one can hide

But you have one ally to help you:

You can turn off the screen and go outside.

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Especially If Her Name Is Daisy

My favorite flowers are daisies.

My favorite black president is Obama.

My favorite meal and my favorite animal

Both are the same: They’re yo’ mama.

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There’s Something To Be Said For Incomprehensible Lyrics

Her eyes are blue and cloudless

Like the first bright day of Spring,

Crinkled in the corners

As she laughs and starts to sing.

“I want to kill your baby,”

She gently coos to me.

“I want to eat an infant’s flesh

“With a cup of earl grey tea.”

And I look into her gentle face

As placid as a dream

And suddenly I don’t mind as much

When heavy metal singers scream.

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Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)

This morning I woke up in Heaven

In my bed at 10:43.

The sun glowed gold. I smiled

And your face smiled back at me.

The coffee and breakfast was ready

With a whole day to spend with my queen.

I looked back at your face and realized

Your body was nowhere to be seen.

Turns out to awaken in Heaven

Is not always as nice as it seems,

Or so I discovered when angels

Began to harmonize songs with my screams.

As I woke back on Earth to the thunder

All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone

I realized Heaven’s got its downsides

And sometimes there’s no place like home.

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