Tag Archives: Scary

The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle

When I was but a tiny lad,

Not more than eight years old

My mom would tell me “Go to bed”

And I’d do as I was told.

Now I tuck in my 8-year old

And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

And she replies “Keep lecturing me

“And they’ll never hear your screams.”

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Mom Was Right

There comes a time in our epoch

When you face the toughest of fights,

You, insignificant human

Alone with the crusher of lights,

A few hundred pounds of soft tissue

Versus a beast from which no one can hide

But you have one ally to help you:

You can turn off the screen and go outside.

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Especially If Her Name Is Daisy

My favorite flowers are daisies.

My favorite black president is Obama.

My favorite meal and my favorite animal

Both are the same: They’re yo’ mama.

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There’s Something To Be Said For Incomprehensible Lyrics

Her eyes are blue and cloudless

Like the first bright day of Spring,

Crinkled in the corners

As she laughs and starts to sing.

“I want to kill your baby,”

She gently coos to me.

“I want to eat an infant’s flesh

“With a cup of earl grey tea.”

And I look into her gentle face

As placid as a dream

And suddenly I don’t mind as much

When heavy metal singers scream.

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Last Time I’ll Use Tinder! (AKA Morning Head)

This morning I woke up in Heaven

In my bed at 10:43.

The sun glowed gold. I smiled

And your face smiled back at me.

The coffee and breakfast was ready

With a whole day to spend with my queen.

I looked back at your face and realized

Your body was nowhere to be seen.

Turns out to awaken in Heaven

Is not always as nice as it seems,

Or so I discovered when angels

Began to harmonize songs with my screams.

As I woke back on Earth to the thunder

All pale, sweaty, cold, and alone

I realized Heaven’s got its downsides

And sometimes there’s no place like home.

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True Story Guest Post: The Epic of Hwy 99

Such a travesty is BC Hwy 99I think the guys who built it were blind

Or perhaps were very drunk

This road doesn’t make sense to a duck. 
The road was built for Mario Cart

Level one is 340 degree turns

Level two is curves that lead to un-marked one-lane bridges

Level three add turning trucks

And if that isn’t more than enough 

Level four the deer are suicidal. 

Level five we take away the road signs

Level six adds falling rocks

Level seven adds the rain

Level eight is and 15% grade

Level nine is 10 km/hr on that grade
I don’t want to reach level ten —

Not even the Buddha has that level zen. 
JOFFRE LAKES!

Now it all makes sense!
And at the village intersection 

As the clock strikes midnight, 

We pass the bloody Grim. 

And across a bridge we go 

To be warned of washout conditions. 
I have 99 problems 

And this road is all of them. 

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Mr. Lecter Helps Educate Recent Graduates

“Do what makes you happy”

Is what my first psychiatrist said,

So can you really blame me

When the shrink ended up all dead?

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