Tag Archives: Scary

Okay Zoomer

In the future, little kids

Will visit their Grandma’s houses

And bring along 3D-printed candy

And all four of their spouses

And in between rounds of “Doom 35”

Grandma will tell the tale

Of how when she was a little boy

It was hip to say “epic fail.”

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Baby Fat

They made a bigger, safer playground

For the children at the school

And the big kids and the babies

Both agree it’s pretty cool,

And the makers cash their checks

For saving kids from pain

And the parents who know better

See the baby fat remain.

They made a kinder, gentler college

For the kids of yesteryear

Where thinking is discouraged

Because it sometimes causes fear

And the makers plan the lessons

And the students love their chains

And the thinkers keep their distance

And the baby fat remains.

They made predictable excitements

For the prisoners of money

And the watchers and the buyers

Say “That’s scary,” or “That’s funny,”

And the makers give themselves awards

For cutting with the grain

And the living have walked out

Because the baby fat remains.

They gave us safer deadly toxins

And harder automatic wins

And a tolerant sort of hatred

And more pleasant deadly sins.

The makers smile, their strategy

Entirely on track

Because the folks who have the baby fat

Are folks who don’t fight back.

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Strange Phobias

There once was a young christmas tree

Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.

It stands still for now,

But someday, somehow

It will run fresh out of mercy…

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That Last One Will Hit You All Over The Place

No one will evacuate

For Hurricane Irma or Steve.

Those aren’t the type of names

That make Floridians leave.

I think we need more hurricanes

Like Hurricane Buried Alive,

Hurricane Dirt-On-The-Clintons,

Or Hurricane Black-Guy-High-Five.

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Hot and Cold

I watched her eat the popsicle

With long and sultry licks.

Her eyes met mine and so she threw

A nibble in the mix.

She slid it in and out again

‘Til it got soft and warm

And then she killed its family

And I left the women’s dorm.

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The Enemy of My Enemy

You might be afraid of tigers.

You might run away from a bear,

But when a spider on your ceiling

Can give you such a scare

Think of the microscopic guy

Who made the spider hide up there!

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5:00 AM, The Homes Of Single Women Everywhere

Bloodshot are her yellow eyes,

Pearly white her claws,

And you have been found guilty

Of not following her laws.

She deigns to shake her golden mane

Before she makes you dead,

The only just denouement

For leaving the cat unfed.

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The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle

When I was but a tiny lad,

Not more than eight years old

My mom would tell me “Go to bed”

And I’d do as I was told.

Now I tuck in my 8-year old

And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

And she replies “Keep lecturing me

“And they’ll never hear your screams.”

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Mom Was Right

There comes a time in our epoch

When you face the toughest of fights,

You, insignificant human

Alone with the crusher of lights,

A few hundred pounds of soft tissue

Versus a beast from which no one can hide

But you have one ally to help you:

You can turn off the screen and go outside.

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Especially If Her Name Is Daisy

My favorite flowers are daisies.

My favorite black president is Obama.

My favorite meal and my favorite animal

Both are the same: They’re yo’ mama.

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