It’s the summer time
And it isn’t snowing.
The house needs cleaning,
The grass meeds mowing.
There’s no place to park
And the clouds have gone gray
But my heart’s light and sunny
‘Cause I neuter and spay.
Tag Archives: Animals
Animals Talk To Me
A little bird told me
“Tweetley tweety tweet tweet.”
I don’t exactly know what it means
But I bet it’s something neat!
Filed under Poems
Um, no reason. Just curious…
Do animals who reproduce
Asexually
Get turned on by the absence
Of phallic imagery?
Filed under Poems
Spirit Animals
I wonder if tigers,
Wolves, and Toucans
Think that their spirit
Animals are humans?
I could find no answer,
But see if you can.
And now I wonder whose spirit
Animal is a toucan.
Filed under Poems
Research Paper
Wild chickens of the North;
Black and white, they sally forth.
Their wings are much akin to fins.
That much I know of penguins.
Filed under Poems
Selling The Farm
As “My Little Pony” kids grow up
We must change our products, of course.
I’d like to propose a new toy line:
I call it, “My Big Ass Horse.”
It targets a new demographic
To break into a market we lack.
We’ll have all shapes and sizes of horses
In all colors, as long as they’re black.
We’ll distinguish this new product
From our competitors in this way:
These will be full-size, living horses
That you need to feed every day.
We can have spin-off products
Like “My cattle,” “my sheep,” “my mouse,”
“My dolphin,” “my armadillo,”
And, for those who like pigs, “my spouse.”
I know that this line will bring income
To our struggling toy company,
And I bring it to your attention
Because I have the inventory.
Filed under Poems
And The Award For Best Pet Goes To…
I’ve had a lot of pets.
Okay, not really… but a few
And I tell you with conviction
That the best of them is you.
When I read my poems to goldfish,
Guppies, betas, or trout
They get neither the humor
Nor what the poem’s about.
When I read my rhymes to kitties
They bite me on the thumb.
When I read my verse to doggies…
Well, alas, they’re cute but dumb.
When I read poems to my girlfriends,
Oh sure, they laugh and smile
And beg me to be their only love,
But that’s just not my style.
But you stay with me, readers.
You are my best friend and my steed.
I’m a lucky guy to have you,
And you don’t cost much to feed.
Filed under Poems
Ambition
If I were a blue whale
I’d out-majestic you.
If I were an elephant
My trunk would go “kabloo!”
If I were a father moose
I’d step in front of your car.
If I were a Bengal tiger
I’d stalk you at the bar.
If I were a dog
I’d give you a real’ good lickin’.
If I were the neighbor’s cat
I’d bring you a dead chicken.
If I were a fearsome beast
Your heart, I’m sure, would freeze.
But I’m a rat who pulls a lever
To get a piece of cheese.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 