Tag Archives: Sales

Language: Olde vs. New

A missionary came to me

And my friend Javier

Asking “Do you accept Jesus

“As your Lord and Savior?”

Another missionary

Fulfilled his role

By asking “Do you want an extended warranty

“For your soul?”

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Pokemon: When A Binder Becomes A Portfolio

He wanted to be the very best

Like no one ever was.

He played the games and bought the cards.

His reasoning? “Just ’cause.”

Now he travels across the land

Rich and fancy free

Because he sold old merchandise

To folks like you and me.

It took some courage along the way

To claim his rightful place;

His base set boosters unopened still

By some amazing grace

Kept up in value as time went on.

The prices didn’t fall

Because of middle class ’90s kids

Who had to catch ’em all.

And so for all the neopets

Forgotten in the cloud,

The baseball rookies who faded out,

The fads without a crowd

There rose among them a modern god,

Electric mouse and friends

That makes you money enough to buy

The very world we must defend.

That’s why I’m buying at Toys R Us

Instead of buying stock.

Who know what franchise will soon become

The next Pokémon or pet rock?

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Sorry Salespeople…

No, I don’t want to be famous,

Don’t want to have power or wealth.

I don’t even want to be happy

Or have peace of mind or my health.

I don’t want a house or a garden,

Two kids and a white picket fence.

I’d give up all these and my brainstem

Just to not hear your two-cents!

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I’m (Almost) Too Hungry To Shamelessly Plug… 

Today my only meal

Was half a can of sour grapes,

Fortified by some shampoo

And a bit of rattlesnake.

I would’ve snapped a photo

But I figure no one’d look…

This could’ve been avoided

If you’d only bought my book!

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Feed Me!

Hello dear readers!

I’m here to announce

A new opportunity

On which you may pounce:

My latest collection

Of poetical stuff

Is now featured on Amazon

As purchasable fluff.

The link is below

If you care to explore.

If you buy it I may

Be able to go to the store

And put food on the table

(Or just eat food in bed).

You know what to do.

Thanks to all! Thus, I’m fled.


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الان تماس بگیر

Are you sick and tired

Of having your body

99% covered in skin?

Do you feel weary

Of eating and drinking

While you wait for true life to begin?

Have you ever wanted

To feel religious

But weren’t raised a Christian or Jew?

Then it’s your lucky day,

‘Cause I’m here to say:

Radical Islam’s for you!

To start as a jihadist,

To be totally honest,

Isn’t nearly as hard as you’d think.

The Muslim mystique’s

Just the smell of plastique

Waiting for you in your kitchen sink.

Just slip on that vest

And go take a test.

If you pass you can stand even talla’,

Make a building go boom

And just like that… Zoom!

It’s just you, forty virgins, and Allah!

If by ISIS you’re paid

You may or may not get laid

But we promise at least you’ll get blown!

Your job’s hard? Ours is not!

It’s just this: Don’t get caught

And be careful when using your phone.

Think this poem’s funny

And also lack money?

RI may be perfect for you!

You’re offended instead?

Well, good news my friend

But we’re able as well to help you!

So call us today

And learn Allah’s way

And wash yourself free of impurity.

We’ll train you for free

And help you to see

Why they do that at airport security.

So if you want some fun

And with life you’re so done

Why not our five pillars a try?

You’re one phone call from Heaven:


Unless you’re female there’s no need to be shy!

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Akin to Areas Without Allstate Coverage

I once sold tires for Goodyear

But my sales hit a kink.

We had a bad year at Goodyear.

Now I don’t know what to think.

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Selling The Farm

As “My Little Pony” kids grow up

We must change our products, of course.

I’d like to propose a new toy line:

I call it, “My Big Ass Horse.”

It targets a new demographic

To break into a market we lack.

We’ll have all shapes and sizes of horses

In all colors, as long as they’re black.

We’ll distinguish this new product

From our competitors in this way:

These will be full-size, living horses

That you need to feed every day.

We can have spin-off products

Like “My cattle,” “my sheep,” “my mouse,”

“My dolphin,” “my armadillo,”

And, for those who like pigs, “my spouse.”

I know that this line will bring income

To our struggling toy company,

And I bring it to your attention

Because I have the inventory.

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“Final Notice”

Mu magazine subscription

Six years ago did end,

And thus I am assured

I’ll never miss an issue again.

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Conversion Tactics

I was visited last afternoon
By friendly Mr. Levin
Who stopped by, presumably,
To get me into Heaven.

He handed me a pamphlet
About discovering Jehovah,
But being an ad exec myself
It didn’t win me ovah.

So I came up with a new campaign
For the door-to-door believers
To double their conversion rate
And make them high achievers:

They could give out bottles of water
In tribute to the divine,
But if you come to hear a sermon
You can trade for a bottle of wine.

They could host some seminars
On days when it is raining
Giving a new-agey mix
Of spiritual sales training.

If you want to walk on water
A witness has a deal for you:
Free water skiing lessons
If you’ll sing hallelu’.

By now you will have realized
I didn’t read their stuff,
But I tried to help as best I could.
I hope that was enough.

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