A missionary came to me
And my friend Javier
Asking “Do you accept Jesus
“As your Lord and Savior?”
Another missionary
Fulfilled his role
By asking “Do you want an extended warranty
“For your soul?”
Tag Archives: Sales
Pokemon: When A Binder Becomes A Portfolio
He wanted to be the very best
Like no one ever was.
He played the games and bought the cards.
His reasoning? “Just ’cause.”
Now he travels across the land
Rich and fancy free
Because he sold old merchandise
To folks like you and me.
It took some courage along the way
To claim his rightful place;
His base set boosters unopened still
By some amazing grace
Kept up in value as time went on.
The prices didn’t fall
Because of middle class ’90s kids
Who had to catch ’em all.
And so for all the neopets
Forgotten in the cloud,
The baseball rookies who faded out,
The fads without a crowd
There rose among them a modern god,
Electric mouse and friends
That makes you money enough to buy
The very world we must defend.
That’s why I’m buying at Toys R Us
Instead of buying stock.
Who know what franchise will soon become
The next Pokémon or pet rock?
Filed under Poems
I’m (Almost) Too Hungry To Shamelessly Plug…
Today my only meal
Was half a can of sour grapes,
Fortified by some shampoo
And a bit of rattlesnake.
I would’ve snapped a photo
But I figure no one’d look…
This could’ve been avoided
If you’d only bought my book!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Feed Me!
Hello dear readers!
I’m here to announce
A new opportunity
On which you may pounce:
My latest collection
Of poetical stuff
Is now featured on Amazon
As purchasable fluff.
The link is below
If you care to explore.
If you buy it I may
Be able to go to the store
And put food on the table
(Or just eat food in bed).
You know what to do.
Thanks to all! Thus, I’m fled.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1975719433/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fNO5zbKBHGT5M
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
الان تماس بگیر
Are you sick and tired
Of having your body
99% covered in skin?
Do you feel weary
Of eating and drinking
While you wait for true life to begin?
Have you ever wanted
To feel religious
But weren’t raised a Christian or Jew?
Then it’s your lucky day,
‘Cause I’m here to say:
Radical Islam’s for you!
To start as a jihadist,
To be totally honest,
Isn’t nearly as hard as you’d think.
The Muslim mystique’s
Just the smell of plastique
Waiting for you in your kitchen sink.
Just slip on that vest
And go take a test.
If you pass you can stand even talla’,
Make a building go boom
And just like that… Zoom!
It’s just you, forty virgins, and Allah!
If by ISIS you’re paid
You may or may not get laid
But we promise at least you’ll get blown!
Your job’s hard? Ours is not!
It’s just this: Don’t get caught
And be careful when using your phone.
Think this poem’s funny
And also lack money?
RI may be perfect for you!
You’re offended instead?
Well, good news my friend
But we’re able as well to help you!
So call us today
And learn Allah’s way
And wash yourself free of impurity.
We’ll train you for free
And help you to see
Why they do that at airport security.
So if you want some fun
And with life you’re so done
Why not our five pillars a try?
You’re one phone call from Heaven:
Five-five-five-nine-eleven.
Unless you’re female there’s no need to be shy!
Filed under Poems
Akin to Areas Without Allstate Coverage
I once sold tires for Goodyear
But my sales hit a kink.
We had a bad year at Goodyear.
Now I don’t know what to think.
Filed under Poems
Selling The Farm
As “My Little Pony” kids grow up
We must change our products, of course.
I’d like to propose a new toy line:
I call it, “My Big Ass Horse.”
It targets a new demographic
To break into a market we lack.
We’ll have all shapes and sizes of horses
In all colors, as long as they’re black.
We’ll distinguish this new product
From our competitors in this way:
These will be full-size, living horses
That you need to feed every day.
We can have spin-off products
Like “My cattle,” “my sheep,” “my mouse,”
“My dolphin,” “my armadillo,”
And, for those who like pigs, “my spouse.”
I know that this line will bring income
To our struggling toy company,
And I bring it to your attention
Because I have the inventory.
Filed under Poems
“Final Notice”
Mu magazine subscription
Six years ago did end,
And thus I am assured
I’ll never miss an issue again.
Filed under Poems
Conversion Tactics
I was visited last afternoon
By friendly Mr. Levin
Who stopped by, presumably,
To get me into Heaven.
He handed me a pamphlet
About discovering Jehovah,
But being an ad exec myself
It didn’t win me ovah.
So I came up with a new campaign
For the door-to-door believers
To double their conversion rate
And make them high achievers:
They could give out bottles of water
In tribute to the divine,
But if you come to hear a sermon
You can trade for a bottle of wine.
They could host some seminars
On days when it is raining
Giving a new-agey mix
Of spiritual sales training.
If you want to walk on water
A witness has a deal for you:
Free water skiing lessons
If you’ll sing hallelu’.
By now you will have realized
I didn’t read their stuff,
But I tried to help as best I could.
I hope that was enough.
The Daily Travesty 