Today I tried to do nothing.
I stayed in bed all day.
I didn’t eat or drink or poop
Or breathe or sweat or pray.
I avoided salivating
And I didn’t leave my room.
I didn’t shower so my odor
Now surrounds me in a plume.
I didn’t read or watch TV.
I didn’t surf the net.
I did not look out the window
And I didn’t feed my pet.
I neglected all life’s naggings
And engaged in nary a vice
And if tomorrow’s snowy also,
Well, I just might do it twice!
Filed under Poems
My friends flanked me
And asked
In a way which I’ll say
Was stereophonic
“What’s a funny example
Of a time
When crap happened
That was ironic?”
I thought for a bit
When suddenly
An epiphany whiffed at me
Through the mounting tension.
I said “well one time
“People used words
“Expressing something contrary
To their literal intention.”
Filed under Poems
“I’ll try anything once”
Is a dumb thing to say
Unless with great agony
You are okay.
Would you lick a jellyfish,
Sword fight with a shark
Or leave a mean youtube comment
About Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Would you drink from the gutter
Or go surfing in Maine?
Would you call someone Mexican
If you know they’re from Spain?
Would you go see “The Notebook”
Starring Jackie Chan?
Stick your head in the oven
And hope to get tan?
I hope my point’s proven
But if you still say “Yes”
Then try liking this poem
And go learn to play chess.
Filed under Poems
Zero is the number
Of hours I slept
Before a 2:00 AM shuttle
To the airport today.
Zero is the number
Of friendly cute girls
In the security line
That I met on the way.
Zero is the number
Of lightning storms I missed
Flying into Houston
A half hour late
Zero is the number
Of minutes I had
To get from my landing
To my connecting flight’s gate.
Zero is the number
Of on-time flights departing
In the 40-plane lineup
That the airport had grown.
Zero is the number
That shows up in red
In the battery section
Of my cellular phone.
Zero’s the number
In military time
That my plane finally landed
At my final city.
Zero is the number
Out of one checked bag
That was at the airport
Waiting for me.
Zero is the number
Of poems technically written
By me on Tuesday
June 28.
Zero is the number
Of f**ks I give
That this hard-fought travel poem’s
Published 12 minutes late.
Filed under Poems, Uncategorized
Only on Windows
Does “100% complete”
Mean “Go get a donut,
Go see that movie,
Go create world peace,
Then come back and see
‘18% complete.'”
(This one’s for anyone who’s lives in a five bedroom, one bath house).
It’s seven fifty-five
And I work at eight.
He’s the only reason
That I’m always late.
He used up the hot water
But he doesn’t care.
He gets back in the shower.
He forgot to wash his hair.
My bathroom nemesis
Taking his daily bowel exodus!
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee!
My bathroom enemy.
One I day got the flu.
I was puking for days,
I couldn’t use the bathroom
‘Cause of what’s-his-face.
At midnight I snuck in
To go number two.
We’re out of toilet paper.
Oh yeah! Guess who?
My bathroom adversary
Taking longer than necessary.
He thinks that it’s his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
My bathroom enemy!
I haven’t bathed in eighteen days.
I just can’t get around this guy.
I’ve has enough. I’ll show him
A brand new bathroom in the sky!
And when he’s dead
We’ll think we’re saved,
But the corpse will miss the burial
‘Cause he still hasn’t shaved!
My bathroom supervillain,
On the procelain throne, just chillin’.
Turns out it’s not his destiny
To be the only one to pee.
The other roommates worship me
‘Cause I killed my bathroom enemy!
Filed under Poems
Don’t blame me for staying inside.
It isn’t an attempt to hide.
I’m not opposed to wind or sleet,
Nor do I have tired feet.
I’m not a hermit. I have friends
And ways of meeting all the ends.
I’m neither strange nor bizarre
If I’d rather not go to a bar.
I have my needs (I am a guy).
A wife would be great, but I’ve got Wi-Fi.
I don’t stay in ’cause I’m afraid
Of getting shot or not getting laid.
I stay inside because out there
People laugh about my hair.
Filed under Poems
There are 54 cards in a deck,
And only twelve are royalty.
I feel sorry for the folks
Who are stuck as a two or a three.
I wondered what card I was:
I’ve not the talent to be an ace,
And I’m really not a joker.
Would I ever find my place?
And then strolling down the sidewalk
I found eight diamonds on the ground,
So I sold them. Now I’m rich
And I don’t worry about this crap anymore.
As loud as deaf people screaming
And mute people speaking their minds
In a concert hall ‘fore the music begins
While the mimes work their daily grinds.
And there I stand in the front of it
With a microphone in my hand.
I thought my jokes had been funny.
That’s the last time up-that-I-stand.
Filed under Poems
At first I was unnerved
By the thought of being observed.
But no longer do I utter groans.
Just think! A lass like me
Could help U.S. Security!
I smile at the very thought of drones.
They read my email and spam,
And when I’m on my webcam
I always throw those patriots a wink,
And if at night they watch
Some lucky guy might spy my crotch.
They give my life a gigabyte of kink!
So if you’re paranoid
You need not be annoyed
That big brother’s got his eyes on you.
Instead, it would be wise
To pity all the spies
Who have to watch the boring s*** you do.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 