There was a farmer’s daughter,
And Gertrude was her name.
She didn’t turn out all that great.
Perhaps her parents were to blame?
Her smile was like curdled milk,
All thick and full of germs.
She ate the milk that fermented
With her best friends, the worms.
One worm in particular
Was a rapper by his trade.
One day he greeted her, “Yo Gert!”
And history was made.
So when you eat your Dannon,
Yoplait, Greek, or normal,
Remember Gert and the gangsta worm
And don’t be so darn formal.
Filed under Poems
There are very few problems
That cannot be solved
By a handful of raisins
And a baseball bat.
How do those fix it?
Is that what you said?
I was hoping you wouldn’t
Ask me that…
Filed under Poems
What comes up comes down.
If that’s true, then why won’t my
Frisbee leave the roof?
Filed under Poems
I don’t think Lewis and Clark
Were friends, like historians claim.
I think Clark forced Lewis to come
By threatening to reveal his first name.
Filed under Poems
There was a teenager from Kiev
That people oft told how to liev.
He painted a plate
As blank as a slate
With all the shits he didn’t giev.
Filed under Poems
Gyration of the eyes and hips,
The longing of a thousand lips,
A table full of pop and chips,
And me there in the corner.
Five-hundred pairs of dancing shoes,
A playlist full of swing and blues,
And I’m in naught but tennis shoes
For lack of an adorner.
A dozen spinning disco lights,
Glow rods in their flinging flights,
Cast shadows o’er my lack of tights.
I pray I’m not discovered.
A shrieking piercing through my head!
I feel like I’m made of lead,
As I awaken in my bed
Where, yes, I am uncovered.
Filed under Poems
I’ll pay ten dollars
For a movie ticket,
Five bucks to see
A game of cricket,
A hundred to Scuba
And get the bends.
Why won’t I pay three
To have no ads on Words with Friends?
Fluff and foof,
Foam and poof.
Through the roof:
Shopping.
White or gray?
Peach or Monet?
Pay and pay:
Shopping.
We’ve got a year
To pick the dress
We’ve seen the glory
And the mess.
Dad’s in the car
Waiting for the yes
That brings the end
Of shopping.
Filed under Poems
I woke up at 5:00.
Went for a two mile run.
What is wrong with me?
Filed under Poems
I couldn’t decide
On which cologne
I should wear on the plane.
I tried the first,
And then the next,
And then the first again.
I spritzed and whiffed
But never found
A scent that suited me,
So I tried them all.
Which one works best?
We’ll have to wait and see.
Filed under Poems
