Tag Archives: Advertising

Schools Now vs. Schools After the Corporate Overlords Quit Hiding

Mom and Dad, guess what! Guess what

I learned today in school!

I learned it doesn’t matter

If you’re smart or fast or cool.

The only thing that matters

Is that you have self-esteem,

And that means that you like yourself

No matter how lame you seem.

Child, child, guess what! Guess what

You’ll learn when you get older?

You can love yourself to death

But still get a cold shoulder

Because what people care about

Is not how you project

But whether or not you’re somebody

Who’s worthy of respect.

Mom and Dad, how can I be

Someone who’s worth respecting

If I’m the sort of guy that I

Would always be rejecting?

Child, child, if you hate

The person that you are

You come to city motors

And you buy a better car!

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But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…

I think the greatest opportunity

Anyone ever missed

Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”

Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!

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Today’s Episode Of “Incompetent Leading Man Bailed Out By Quirky Minority Sidekick” Is Brought To You By…

Before your TV show resumes

Please watch this little ad

From a global corporation

To remind you that you’re bad.

And if our subtle message

Won’t subliminally take

Don’t worry. There are 14 more

In every single break.

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Mostly Crap: A Decade With The Daily Travesty

I’ve done it! I’ve done it!

I’ve done what I’ve done!

I’ve congealed 8 years

Into one book of fun!

It’s the best of my poems

(Which doesn’t mean much)

In 329 pages

You can physically touch!

It’s out now on Amazon,

Soon to be elsewhere too.

It’s called “Mostly Crap

And that’s mostly true.

You can get it on kindle

As well, if you’re cheap

And it come with the bonus

Of wrecking your sleep!

You’ll never have more time

To read it than now,

So check it out promptly

Or maybe say “Ow.”

And if you buy and hate it

You may get the honor

Of being the first

To slap a 1-star review on ‘er!

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Harps Aren’t Free, You Know!

I awake from endless slumber

Beside a river I don’t know

Where a luminous boat is waiting

For one willing to row.

We pass through crystal mountains

And forests made of glass

While the water sings serenely

As through it my oars pass.

I see the Lord of Heaven

And His splendor makes me whole.

Then I watch a 30-second ad

For the brand new Kia Soul.

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I’m Writing This During A Commercial Break

Good looking people

Talking to each other.

Man is an idiot

Who experiences a bother.

Woman corrects her counterpart

Via the featured service or good.

Be a good ad writer?

Yes, I think I would 

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Election Years

Do you feel the suction,

The all-consuming swirl

That spins you round and round

Until you have to hurl?

No, it’s not a whirlpool,

Tornado, or typhoon.

It’s the suck of the political ads

Headed your way soon.

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Launch, Pt. 1

Good morning to most of my readers!

Good afternoon to the few!

It’s a beautiful day in travesty land,

And I’m going to share it with you.

Today, I launch my book, “America:

“Land of the (Buy One, Get One) Free.”

For those who accepted my promotion,

You’ll soon get a free gift from me.

Here’s a link to the finished product,

Where you can get in in time

For your Fourth of July celebration

And at very minimal dime.

And for my non-American readers,

Thanks for putting up with this post.

You should buy the book too, ’cause it’s funny.

(It’s the truth, not merely a boast).

And for those lovely readers of mine

Who just come here for the funny,

Today’s poem is coming after I am through humming

And hopping around like a bunny.


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Game of War?

I’ll pay ten dollars

For a movie ticket,

Five bucks to see

A game of cricket,

A hundred to Scuba

And get the bends.

Why won’t I pay three

To have no ads on Words with Friends?

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The Shameless Plug

Although at first glance

He was a ball of hair,

And like “Sex, Lies, and Poetry

He had an unapologetic air.

The hairball plugged my shower

And made the water stay

Like laughter at a poetry book

Or homeless guys at a KOA.

The shameless plug held water

So I was forced to buy Drano.

It cost me almost $5.99.

What a fantastic low price! Whoa!

So now my shower drains just fine.

The shameless plug has fled.

Now I’m happy and clean, and my only wish

Is to read some funny poems in bed.

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