Tag Archives: Advertising

Today’s Episode Of “Incompetent Leading Man Bailed Out By Quirky Minority Sidekick” Is Brought To You By…

Before your TV show resumes

Please watch this little ad

From a global corporation

To remind you that you’re bad.

And if our subtle message

Won’t subliminally take

Don’t worry. There are 14 more

In every single break.

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Mostly Crap: A Decade With The Daily Travesty

I’ve done it! I’ve done it!

I’ve done what I’ve done!

I’ve congealed 8 years

Into one book of fun!

It’s the best of my poems

(Which doesn’t mean much)

In 329 pages

You can physically touch!

It’s out now on Amazon,

Soon to be elsewhere too.

It’s called “Mostly Crap

And that’s mostly true.

You can get it on kindle

As well, if you’re cheap

And it come with the bonus

Of wrecking your sleep!

You’ll never have more time

To read it than now,

So check it out promptly

Or maybe say “Ow.”

And if you buy and hate it

You may get the honor

Of being the first

To slap a 1-star review on ‘er!

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Harps Aren’t Free, You Know!

I awake from endless slumber

Beside a river I don’t know

Where a luminous boat is waiting

For one willing to row.

We pass through crystal mountains

And forests made of glass

While the water sings serenely

As through it my oars pass.

I see the Lord of Heaven

And His splendor makes me whole.

Then I watch a 30-second ad

For the brand new Kia Soul.

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I’m Writing This During A Commercial Break

Good looking people

Talking to each other.

Man is an idiot

Who experiences a bother.

Woman corrects her counterpart

Via the featured service or good.

Be a good ad writer?

Yes, I think I would 

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Election Years

Do you feel the suction,

The all-consuming swirl

That spins you round and round

Until you have to hurl?

No, it’s not a whirlpool,

Tornado, or typhoon.

It’s the suck of the political ads

Headed your way soon.

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Launch, Pt. 1

Good morning to most of my readers!

Good afternoon to the few!

It’s a beautiful day in travesty land,

And I’m going to share it with you.

Today, I launch my book, “America:

“Land of the (Buy One, Get One) Free.”

For those who accepted my promotion,

You’ll soon get a free gift from me.

Here’s a link to the finished product,

Where you can get in in time

For your Fourth of July celebration

And at very minimal dime.

And for my non-American readers,

Thanks for putting up with this post.

You should buy the book too, ’cause it’s funny.

(It’s the truth, not merely a boast).

And for those lovely readers of mine

Who just come here for the funny,

Today’s poem is coming after I am through humming

And hopping around like a bunny.

https://www.createspace.com/5538918

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Game of War?

I’ll pay ten dollars

For a movie ticket,

Five bucks to see

A game of cricket,

A hundred to Scuba

And get the bends.

Why won’t I pay three

To have no ads on Words with Friends?

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The Shameless Plug

Although at first glance

He was a ball of hair,

And like “Sex, Lies, and Poetry

He had an unapologetic air.

The hairball plugged my shower

And made the water stay

Like laughter at a poetry book

Or homeless guys at a KOA.

The shameless plug held water

So I was forced to buy Drano.

It cost me almost $5.99.

What a fantastic low price! Whoa!

So now my shower drains just fine.

The shameless plug has fled.

Now I’m happy and clean, and my only wish

Is to read some funny poems in bed.

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Facebook Ads

I did a google search

For Men’s Wearhouse at the mall.

That was 16 months ago,

And it’s still here on my wall.

I looked to buy a negligee

Just as a friendly gift.

Now I get twelve ads a day

Through which I must sift.

I looked up local dry cleaners,

And now endure the taunt

Of “targeted ads” for dry cleaning

In Georgia and Vermont.

I searched my ex’s name as well

Out of curiosity.

Not only did I regret it then,

But now I literally can’t unsee.

And where the Chippendales ad

Came from, I can’t guess,

But now it is a daily part

Of my social network’s mess.

I cleared my cookies and my cache,

Reset my “ad I.D.”

I still get ads on my Facebook wall,

But at least they’re not for me.

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Conversion Tactics

I was visited last afternoon
By friendly Mr. Levin
Who stopped by, presumably,
To get me into Heaven.

He handed me a pamphlet
About discovering Jehovah,
But being an ad exec myself
It didn’t win me ovah.

So I came up with a new campaign
For the door-to-door believers
To double their conversion rate
And make them high achievers:

They could give out bottles of water
In tribute to the divine,
But if you come to hear a sermon
You can trade for a bottle of wine.

They could host some seminars
On days when it is raining
Giving a new-agey mix
Of spiritual sales training.

If you want to walk on water
A witness has a deal for you:
Free water skiing lessons
If you’ll sing hallelu’.

By now you will have realized
I didn’t read their stuff,
But I tried to help as best I could.
I hope that was enough.

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