Tag Archives: Names

Side Effects Include Incontinence, Loss of Sleep, Mood Swings, And A Decrease In Bank Account Balances For 18+ Years

Is it just me or do baby names

Sound more and more like drugs?

Is Aaliyah or Grayson

Something one swallows or hugs?

Of Magdalen, Kavita,

Nunzio, and Tierneigh

Which are babies and which are options

To ask my doctor if its right for me?

There’s Allegra and Zahara,

Bahari and Alok,

Yet none of these has side-effects

According to my doc.

My hope is in the future

Parents go back so “Pam” and “Lee.”

That or RX companies

Make a drug named after me.

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Concrete Washington: Folk Hero (Or Just Denzel’s Brother)

Indiana Jones was a big success

(Until 2008).

You have to wonder if similar names

Would enjoy a similar fate

Like Alaska Round, detective

Or Iowa Guysummoney?

Idaho Youhadhertoo?

Would people find these funny?

Kansas state thing be abused

Or must we resort to towns

Like Helena -West Helena Johnson

Or, better yet, Cleveland Brown?

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Walking On Eggshells

Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall

HD was determined to just end it all.

Later on on a talk show

Some Hollywood actor

Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.

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Waxing Philosophical (Hume’r Wasn’t In Descartes)

I think that great philosophers

Who from the old days came

Were the ones who didn’t laugh

At each others’ stupid names.

Think of how the commons laughed

And asked Ptolemy why

They had to spell his name

Starting with a silent pi.

Think of how these silly names

Through laughter would disable those

Who sought to set their Platos

And forkos on the tableos.

Think of poor Epictetus

The flat-chested stoic

And poor Heraclitus

Whose parents misspelled “heroic.”

I hope there’ve Bentham fun times

Locke’d within this rant.

Some days I’m very Thoreau

But today I said “I Kant.”

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Almost Zeus

Deep in a forest

In some ancient year

Lived the grandest buck ever,

The king of the deer.

His antlers were mountains.

Sun and moon were his eyes.

There was nothing more massive

Or nearly as wise.

He spoke only truths

And healed all ills.

His laughter was music.

His teardrops were hills.

This primeval buck

Made all that’s good, fair, and lush

But his name was “Pookums”

So you don’t hear of him much.

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“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name

If you go to prison

It’d probably be lame

If your parents gave you

A come-hither name

‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”

Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”

You’re probably in trouble.

That’s why you’re named “Flay.”

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Or Just Misspell A Biblical Name

I see little boys and girls

With very unique names

Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,

Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.

Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,

But “Crookshanks…” not so much.

So here are some modern names

I think are better much:

Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,

Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,

Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.

Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!

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