Tag Archives: Names

Millennial Parenting Takes Another Small Step

If your name were Bedtime

And asked for a bedtime story

People might share anecdotes

Of you in all your glory.

Your children might get all confused

When it’s their rest-your-head time

And you ask them to ask you

“Tell me a story, Bedtime?”

Or say you want a lesson

In a subject like history

And you have to tell somebody

“Tell me, Bedtime, a story.”

One thing no one asks though

Is why Bedtime isn’t sad

When he tells the story of the time

He killed his mom and dad…

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Individuality, But At What Caust?

A black guy names his kid J’Kwon

And no one bats an eye.

In Florida kids are named X-wing

And no one asks them why.

I choose a name like this

For the son I fathered

But when I say “My son, Z’Kyle”

The jews get hot and bothered…

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Math Meets Meth

They said “Name every number.”

I said “Paul.”

They couldn’t refute my argument

And, thus, that was all.

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Millennial Parents Be Like…

The dentist asked three little boys

“Every day do you floss?”

Jeff said “Yes”

And Jeph said “Yes”

And Geoff said “Yeos.”

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Sue Can Empathize

I used to be a beat cop

For the city of LA,

Busting heads and taking names

And shutting crooks away.

I had a code of honor

That would supersede the law…

That was me, the sexy renegade,

The American Eagle’s claw.

But though I stood at six-foot-ten

And had zero body fat,

Had six-pack abs and a .44 mag,

A badge and all of that

I knew my name was whispered

In every darkened alley

And I still could not see why

My parents chose to name me “Sally.”

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😎 and 🦑 are 🥇 right now

We’ve seen names with apostrophes

And names that lack a vowel.

We have seen surnameless names

Like Retta, Link, and Farrel.

We’ve seen whatever Prince’s name

Had been known as previously.

I just hope I get to be the first

To name a kid with an Emoji.

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Side Effects Include Incontinence, Loss of Sleep, Mood Swings, And A Decrease In Bank Account Balances For 18+ Years

Is it just me or do baby names

Sound more and more like drugs?

Is Aaliyah or Grayson

Something one swallows or hugs?

Of Magdalen, Kavita,

Nunzio, and Tierneigh

Which are babies and which are options

To ask my doctor if its right for me?

There’s Allegra and Zahara,

Bahari and Alok,

Yet none of these has side-effects

According to my doc.

My hope is in the future

Parents go back so “Pam” and “Lee.”

That or RX companies

Make a drug named after me.

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Concrete Washington: Folk Hero (Or Just Denzel’s Brother)

Indiana Jones was a big success

(Until 2008).

You have to wonder if similar names

Would enjoy a similar fate

Like Alaska Round, detective

Or Iowa Guysummoney?

Idaho Youhadhertoo?

Would people find these funny?

Kansas state thing be abused

Or must we resort to towns

Like Helena -West Helena Johnson

Or, better yet, Cleveland Brown?

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Walking On Eggshells

Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall

HD was determined to just end it all.

Later on on a talk show

Some Hollywood actor

Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.

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Waxing Philosophical (Hume’r Wasn’t In Descartes)

I think that great philosophers

Who from the old days came

Were the ones who didn’t laugh

At each others’ stupid names.

Think of how the commons laughed

And asked Ptolemy why

They had to spell his name

Starting with a silent pi.

Think of how these silly names

Through laughter would disable those

Who sought to set their Platos

And forkos on the tableos.

Think of poor Epictetus

The flat-chested stoic

And poor Heraclitus

Whose parents misspelled “heroic.”

I hope there’ve Bentham fun times

Locke’d within this rant.

Some days I’m very Thoreau

But today I said “I Kant.”

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