Tag Archives: Names

What New Devilry Is This?

Somewhere down in baby hell

Are Lucifer and Baphomet,

Asmodeus, Apollyon,

Satan, and Adramalech

All laughing at demonic stuff

But here’s the evil rub:

There’s a new kid in the devil school.

His name’s Beelzebub.

His family comes from South Missouri

And his dad’s name was Cletus

And he’d been groomed for devilhood

Since he was a fetus.

The devils might have picked on him

‘Til he was a broken husk

But then a savior came along:

A baby devil named by Elon Musk.

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It’s Not Lucifer, But…

My neighbor’s kids are Michael,

Esther, Hannah, Ruth, and Paul

And they don’t think that Bible names

Are old-fashioned at all.

My other neighbor’s children

Are Meshack and Hezekiah

And for some reason no one thought

To even ask them why-uh.

But I follow suit and give

My kid a name of that kind…

But when I called him “Nimrod”

Everybody lost their mind.

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Forget “Hope”, “Faith”, “Joy”… Give Me a Good Name!

We’re all human, the same flesh and blood,

And our brains all work the dame way,

But some people think that a child named Dink

Is perfectly fine and okay

While others are Henry for 12 generations

And some are named Diogenese

And yet never in history has someone had

A child named “Delicious Melty Cheese.”

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Thus, Jeff Was Born

I like to imagine that somebody said

“I’m naming my child Cheff

“‘Cause that’s the sound a choo choo makes

“When played in super high def.”

Then their friend said, “Yeah, Cheff sounds cool

“But what if the first syllable

“Sounded like a French librarian

“Trying to shush people into a lull?”

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This Is Why God Chose Me To Have A Poet’s Salary

If I had a billion dollars

I’d buy a sports franchise

And make a special policy

To only hire guys

With super inappropriate surnames

Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,

And listen to the commentators

Say their names for hours…

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Bad With Names? Try This One Simple Trick That Oprah Said Is “No Comment”

If everyone in the entire world

Named their kids “Steve Penn”

We’d never have to sign our name

On anything again,

Never have an awkward moment

When you wake up in bed

With someone whose name you forgot…

Just say “Hey Steve” instead!

You’d never wear a name tag,

Never forget who wrote a play…

Everyone would win on Jeopardy

And movie credits would go away.

It’s such a great idea

That I hardly have to sell it,

Even though if everyone’s share’s the name

Baristas would still misspell it.

We would have an era of peace

If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”

That is, until people used middle names

And the chaos returned again…

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Women Will Change You

There once was a man named Beyoncé

Who wanted to have a fiancee

But the girls were all like

“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”

Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.

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Poor Guy…

I think if you want

Your kid to not be pitied

Name him “Nography.”

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Before Chad And Karen, There Was This Guy

Just because his name is Curtis

Doesn’t mean that he is curt.

Just because her name is Cindy

Doesn’t mean that she’s a sinner.

Just because my name is Dick

Doesn’t mean I feelings hurt.

Now where, my wifey dearest,

Is my mother****ing dinner?

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New England Whalers (I Looked It Up)

Since I’m now in the habit

Of poems that are quick:

Whoever named Sperm Whales

Was really a dick.

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