Tag Archives: Names

This Is Why God Chose Me To Have A Poet’s Salary

If I had a billion dollars

I’d buy a sports franchise

And make a special policy

To only hire guys

With super inappropriate surnames

Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,

And listen to the commentators

Say their names for hours…

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Bad With Names? Try This One Simple Trick That Oprah Said Is “No Comment”

If everyone in the entire world

Named their kids “Steve Penn”

We’d never have to sign our name

On anything again,

Never have an awkward moment

When you wake up in bed

With someone whose name you forgot…

Just say “Hey Steve” instead!

You’d never wear a name tag,

Never forget who wrote a play…

Everyone would win on Jeopardy

And movie credits would go away.

It’s such a great idea

That I hardly have to sell it,

Even though if everyone’s share’s the name

Baristas would still misspell it.

We would have an era of peace

If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”

That is, until people used middle names

And the chaos returned again…

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Women Will Change You

There once was a man named Beyoncé

Who wanted to have a fiancee

But the girls were all like

“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”

Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.

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Poor Guy…

I think if you want

Your kid to not be pitied

Name him “Nography.”

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Before Chad And Karen, There Was This Guy

Just because his name is Curtis

Doesn’t mean that he is curt.

Just because her name is Cindy

Doesn’t mean that she’s a sinner.

Just because my name is Dick

Doesn’t mean I feelings hurt.

Now where, my wifey dearest,

Is my mother****ing dinner?

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New England Whalers (I Looked It Up)

Since I’m now in the habit

Of poems that are quick:

Whoever named Sperm Whales

Was really a dick.

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When Gen Z Starts Procreating

If I ever have a baby

With the person I call “Honey,”

I will name it “In the Headlights”

‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.

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It’s “Queeva,” Actually…

A young Irish man in his prime

Loved a lassie who gave him a lime.

He said, “Darling Caoimhe,

“I’ll never leave ya.”

And yes, that does actually rhyme.

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Millennial Parenting Takes Another Small Step

If your name were Bedtime

And asked for a bedtime story

People might share anecdotes

Of you in all your glory.

Your children might get all confused

When it’s their rest-your-head time

And you ask them to ask you

“Tell me a story, Bedtime?”

Or say you want a lesson

In a subject like history

And you have to tell somebody

“Tell me, Bedtime, a story.”

One thing no one asks though

Is why Bedtime isn’t sad

When he tells the story of the time

He killed his mom and dad…

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Individuality, But At What Caust?

A black guy names his kid J’Kwon

And no one bats an eye.

In Florida kids are named X-wing

And no one asks them why.

I choose a name like this

For the son I fathered

But when I say “My son, Z’Kyle”

The jews get hot and bothered…

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