Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
Filed under Poems
My neighbor’s kids are Michael,
Esther, Hannah, Ruth, and Paul
And they don’t think that Bible names
Are old-fashioned at all.
My other neighbor’s children
Are Meshack and Hezekiah
And for some reason no one thought
To even ask them why-uh.
But I follow suit and give
My kid a name of that kind…
But when I called him “Nimrod”
Everybody lost their mind.
Filed under Poems
We’re all human, the same flesh and blood,
And our brains all work the dame way,
But some people think that a child named Dink
Is perfectly fine and okay
While others are Henry for 12 generations
And some are named Diogenese
And yet never in history has someone had
A child named “Delicious Melty Cheese.”
Filed under Poems
I like to imagine that somebody said
“I’m naming my child Cheff
“‘Cause that’s the sound a choo choo makes
“When played in super high def.”
Then their friend said, “Yeah, Cheff sounds cool
“But what if the first syllable
“Sounded like a French librarian
“Trying to shush people into a lull?”
Filed under Poems
If I had a billion dollars
I’d buy a sports franchise
And make a special policy
To only hire guys
With super inappropriate surnames
Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,
And listen to the commentators
Say their names for hours…
Filed under Poems
If everyone in the entire world
Named their kids “Steve Penn”
We’d never have to sign our name
On anything again,
Never have an awkward moment
When you wake up in bed
With someone whose name you forgot…
Just say “Hey Steve” instead!
You’d never wear a name tag,
Never forget who wrote a play…
Everyone would win on Jeopardy
And movie credits would go away.
It’s such a great idea
That I hardly have to sell it,
Even though if everyone’s share’s the name
Baristas would still misspell it.
We would have an era of peace
If everyone were named “Steve Penn.”
That is, until people used middle names
And the chaos returned again…
Filed under Poems
There once was a man named Beyoncé
Who wanted to have a fiancee
But the girls were all like
“Why’s your name not like ‘Mike?’”
Now he goes by his middle name: Chauncey.
Filed under Poems
Just because his name is Curtis
Doesn’t mean that he is curt.
Just because her name is Cindy
Doesn’t mean that she’s a sinner.
Just because my name is Dick
Doesn’t mean I feelings hurt.
Now where, my wifey dearest,
Is my mother****ing dinner?
Filed under Poems
Since I’m now in the habit
Of poems that are quick:
Whoever named Sperm Whales
Was really a dick.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 