Tag Archives: Names

Walking On Eggshells

Humpty Dumpty leapt from a wall

HD was determined to just end it all.

Later on on a talk show

Some Hollywood actor

Said being named “Humpty” may have just been a factor.

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Waxing Philosophical (Hume’r Wasn’t In Descartes)

I think that great philosophers

Who from the old days came

Were the ones who didn’t laugh

At each others’ stupid names.

Think of how the commons laughed

And asked Ptolemy why

They had to spell his name

Starting with a silent pi.

Think of how these silly names

Through laughter would disable those

Who sought to set their Platos

And forkos on the tableos.

Think of poor Epictetus

The flat-chested stoic

And poor Heraclitus

Whose parents misspelled “heroic.”

I hope there’ve Bentham fun times

Locke’d within this rant.

Some days I’m very Thoreau

But today I said “I Kant.”

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Almost Zeus

Deep in a forest

In some ancient year

Lived the grandest buck ever,

The king of the deer.

His antlers were mountains.

Sun and moon were his eyes.

There was nothing more massive

Or nearly as wise.

He spoke only truths

And healed all ills.

His laughter was music.

His teardrops were hills.

This primeval buck

Made all that’s good, fair, and lush

But his name was “Pookums”

So you don’t hear of him much.

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“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name

If you go to prison

It’d probably be lame

If your parents gave you

A come-hither name

‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”

Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”

You’re probably in trouble.

That’s why you’re named “Flay.”

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Or Just Misspell A Biblical Name

I see little boys and girls

With very unique names

Like Cadence, Weston, Apple, Peityn,

Lembas, Crêpe, and Flames.

Now if your name is “Flames” you’re fine,

But “Crookshanks…” not so much.

So here are some modern names

I think are better much:

Verity, Sanity, Clamperl, Spore,

Visigoth, Boromir, Wikstrom, Implore,

Magnitude, Honeydunce, Kraftool, Parade.

Name your kid one of these and they’ll have it made!

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This Wasn’t Covered In The Dossier…

I wonder if spies

Get to choose their codename…

I mean, “Stallion” is great

But “Gelding” is lame,

And for every Thunder,

Placebo, and Drake

There’s a Lumbar, a Bubba,

A Plumpy, a Rake.

If anyone who spies

Is reading this… yo!

Give me a shout out

‘Cause I wanna know.

It’s very important

For my future end.

Thanks for your help!

(P.S Writing for a friend)

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Honestly, Every Baby Name After 2007 Though…

I feel for baby Adolfs,

Judases, Atillas,

Who had to live entire lives

Proving they’re just vanillas

Instead of evil Hall-of-Famers

Whose names they now must share.

On the other hand, how ’bout some killers

Named Peyton, Taylor, Weston, or Blair?

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