If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
English is funny; Take the word “ship”
Which can mean a variety of things…
It can mean a big boat
That can carry other boats
Or other miscellaneous bling.
Therefore a ship who ships cargo
(Oh yeah, ship is also a verb)
Can ship ships as its cargo
(Or so is said as a ship-shipping blurb).
“Ship” can also be used
To describe imaginary romance
Where two hypothetical characters
Want to get in one-another’s pants.
In this sense, the word shipping
Is creating the romantic “ship,”
But could also mean that you think
The prospect of shipping is hip.
So if you like to like the idea
Of a romantic relationship between
A cargo delivery vehicle who delivers ships
Falling in love with a similar machine
You ship shipping ship-shipping ships shipping ship-shipping ships,
And that is grammatically correct.
Yes indeed, English is funny
But deserves at least grudging respect.
Filed under Poems
If you feel empty inside
Just take away the “E”
And you can feel mpty instead.
Or, alternatively
Take away the “Y”
And feel emp-t (and misled).
If you take away
The “E,” “P,” and “Y”
You feel mt, and that’s fine.
But if you say nothing
Your words won’t be empty
And we won’t have to hear you whine.
Filed under Poems
Calling someone squeamish
Is more complex than it may seem.
After all, when was the last time
You called someone a squeam?
If someone is Spanish,
Sorta shy-ish, or whatnot
You know exactly what they are
But what’s a squeam?
…
…
…
That’s what I thought!
Filed under Poems
Certain things sound like
Exactly what they mean
Like soy latte, pumpernickel,
Kitty, spoof, and spleen.
Other words were chosen
Without their meaning in mind
Like crepe, seizure, pumpernickel,
And the “pay me” version of “fine.”
Filed under Poems
I wonder if the guidance counselor
At Hitler’s Alma Mater
Told him to “Just be yourself”
And then regretted it later.
Filed under Poems
I spent lots of oguiya
To buy a crwths
So I could perform a euouae.
If you think this is nonsense
But I know better…
I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!
Filed under Poems
The title’s not a typo
But a movement that began
Because the words “women” and “woman”
Include the words “men” and “man.”
I support those of all genders
Whether pronounceable or not
But there are a few more words
Of which ye womxn haven’t thought:
Mandatory, mandate
Manuscript and mandolin,
Manufacture, mandril,
Manhole, manager, mansion,
Manitoba, manometric,
And we haven’t seen
Manservant, mend, mental, and menstruate,
Manhandle, mangosteen,
Plus Truman, human, lumen,
Mandrake and manipulate,
Manifest, manageable,
Mannerly and mandarinate,
Mandatory, mandragora,
Manchineels and manticore,
Manicure, manifest, manubriums,
And over 1,600 more.
The point that I am making
Is that “man” shows up a lot;
It’s just a common phoneme,
Not a patriarchal plot.
So don’t mention Womxn to me
Or their mantras, manifestos,
Or other such manure.
Now excuse me, I’m making pesto.
Filed under Poems
When a woman tells you yes
She means it could be so
Unless she’s getting dressed…
Then it definitely means no.
And if a woman tells you no
It is a no, no questions asked
Except when she wants you to be bad
Or do what you have not been tasked.
But the scariest thing you’ll ever
Hear a woman say
Is when she smiles and seems alright
And tells you “I’m OK.”
Filed under Poems
