My girlfriend likes to relax in the evening
But I like to step up a notch.
She said “Let’s watch Steel Magnolias.”
I said “Let’s steal Magnolia’s watch.”
Tag Archives: Words
Be Careful Where You Wish For
I wished upon a star
That I was back on Earth.
Then I was incinerated by the immense heat of the cosmic ball of burning gas
And now wait for rebirth.
Filed under Poems
H*ck Yeah!
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
On English Slang and Figures of Speech
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
Aye Aye, I! I Eye i^i Eyes, I Eye i^i “Aye Ayes,” and I Eye I’s i^i Eyes Eyeing i^i i^is With I’s i^i “Aye Aye” Eyes, Aye. I?
English is funny; Take the word “ship”
Which can mean a variety of things…
It can mean a big boat
That can carry other boats
Or other miscellaneous bling.
Therefore a ship who ships cargo
(Oh yeah, ship is also a verb)
Can ship ships as its cargo
(Or so is said as a ship-shipping blurb).
“Ship” can also be used
To describe imaginary romance
Where two hypothetical characters
Want to get in one-another’s pants.
In this sense, the word shipping
Is creating the romantic “ship,”
But could also mean that you think
The prospect of shipping is hip.
So if you like to like the idea
Of a romantic relationship between
A cargo delivery vehicle who delivers ships
Falling in love with a similar machine
You ship shipping ship-shipping ships shipping ship-shipping ships,
And that is grammatically correct.
Yes indeed, English is funny
But deserves at least grudging respect.
Filed under Poems
When Friends Need To Vent
If you feel empty inside
Just take away the “E”
And you can feel mpty instead.
Or, alternatively
Take away the “Y”
And feel emp-t (and misled).
If you take away
The “E,” “P,” and “Y”
You feel mt, and that’s fine.
But if you say nothing
Your words won’t be empty
And we won’t have to hear you whine.
Filed under Poems
Ish Matters
Calling someone squeamish
Is more complex than it may seem.
After all, when was the last time
You called someone a squeam?
If someone is Spanish,
Sorta shy-ish, or whatnot
You know exactly what they are
But what’s a squeam?
…
…
…
That’s what I thought!
Filed under Poems
How My Mind Works 27 Minutes Before A Deadline…
Certain things sound like
Exactly what they mean
Like soy latte, pumpernickel,
Kitty, spoof, and spleen.
Other words were chosen
Without their meaning in mind
Like crepe, seizure, pumpernickel,
And the “pay me” version of “fine.”
Filed under Poems
Words Hurt
I wonder if the guidance counselor
At Hitler’s Alma Mater
Told him to “Just be yourself”
And then regretted it later.
Filed under Poems
When You Spend Mauritanian Money To Play A Gregorian Cadence On A Welsh Instrument (And No One Will Play Board Games With You Anymore)
I spent lots of oguiya
To buy a crwths
So I could perform a euouae.
If you think this is nonsense
But I know better…
I’ve read the Scrabble dictionary. Hooray!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 