Tag Archives: Murder

This Poem > Green New Deal

Onions are the only things

That make their murderers cry.

We should all wear clothes made of onions

And all murder would go bye-bye.

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Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift

Are you unhappy?

Perhaps you’re depressed?

You want to shoot up a school

Because you’re so stressed?

Don’t grab your assault gun

And make hunters sad.

Instead, grab some kale

And do something bad.

If a few more folk heroes

With defective prozac

Go out with a bang

Via kale attack

The liberals will ban it

And the world will shout “yay!”

To leave your legacy

That’s the very best way.

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Nice Weather For Post-Commute Shenanigans 

The air was warm and friendly,

The sun a gentle golden light,

And the dirt was easily shoveled

Upon the corpse of the guy who passed me on the right.

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A Very Factual Excuse

A monstrous weasel murdered me

Yesterday around 8:00.

It was rather inconvenient

Which is why this poem’s so late.

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You Think I’m Joking…

I want a theme park

Where 60-foot insects

Entertain guests

Who beside the bugs sit.

I hope the bugs bite

And destroy anybody

Who’s freaky enough

To buy a ticket to it.

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The Lament Of An Atheist Ghost

If you kill me

‘Til I’m dead

By hitting me

Upon my head

I will not get

Revenge on you

‘Cause that’s not a thing

Dead folks can do.

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I Met Her Online

Breaking up is hard for me,
Requiring courage and stuff.
It calls the waves of an emotional sea
And the embrace of blanket fluff.

I hate to say it, and I’ve told you why
Breaking up is hard to do.
That’s why I’ve decided not to break it off.
Instead, I’m just going to shoot you.

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