Tag Archives: Murder

Stereotypes Are Real

Somebody’s been murdered!

Their corpse was found today

And all the head detectives

Are off on holiday.

The backup sleuths are gumshoing

Where the corpses spine met cutlery

And I’m here, full of regret

At my choice to take up butlery…

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X-1 Teachers

If two trains depart at identical hours

Traveling towards one another

On parallel tracks, both carrying snacks

For the opposite engineer’s mother

When first they pass one another

At speeds varying by a factor of 5

How long will it take before students

Make their teacher no longer alive?

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Party Like You Forgot To Take Your Meds And The Voices Are Coming Back!

Everyone is happy.

Everyone is having fun

Until the quiet loner guy

Pulls out his loaded gun.

Everyone is joyful.

Everyone joins in the dance

‘Til that one guy from accounting

Pulls a K-bar from his pants.

It’s at that point the happiness

On that crowded dancing floor

Gives way to massive panic

And a stampede for the door.

Now K-bar guy is happy

As is Steve (He’s got the gun)

Because the flat is empty now

And the small talk is all done.

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This Poem > Green New Deal

Onions are the only things

That make their murderers cry.

We should all wear clothes made of onions

And all murder would go bye-bye.

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Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift

Are you unhappy?

Perhaps you’re depressed?

You want to shoot up a school

Because you’re so stressed?

Don’t grab your assault gun

And make hunters sad.

Instead, grab some kale

And do something bad.

If a few more folk heroes

With defective prozac

Go out with a bang

Via kale attack

The liberals will ban it

And the world will shout “yay!”

To leave your legacy

That’s the very best way.

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Nice Weather For Post-Commute Shenanigans 

The air was warm and friendly,

The sun a gentle golden light,

And the dirt was easily shoveled

Upon the corpse of the guy who passed me on the right.

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A Very Factual Excuse

A monstrous weasel murdered me

Yesterday around 8:00.

It was rather inconvenient

Which is why this poem’s so late.

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You Think I’m Joking…

I want a theme park

Where 60-foot insects

Entertain guests

Who beside the bugs sit.

I hope the bugs bite

And destroy anybody

Who’s freaky enough

To buy a ticket to it.

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The Lament Of An Atheist Ghost

If you kill me

‘Til I’m dead

By hitting me

Upon my head

I will not get

Revenge on you

‘Cause that’s not a thing

Dead folks can do.

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I Met Her Online

Breaking up is hard for me,
Requiring courage and stuff.
It calls the waves of an emotional sea
And the embrace of blanket fluff.

I hate to say it, and I’ve told you why
Breaking up is hard to do.
That’s why I’ve decided not to break it off.
Instead, I’m just going to shoot you.

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