Somebody’s been murdered!
Their corpse was found today
And all the head detectives
Are off on holiday.
The backup sleuths are gumshoing
Where the corpses spine met cutlery
And I’m here, full of regret
At my choice to take up butlery…
Tag Archives: Murder
X-1 Teachers
If two trains depart at identical hours
Traveling towards one another
On parallel tracks, both carrying snacks
For the opposite engineer’s mother
When first they pass one another
At speeds varying by a factor of 5
How long will it take before students
Make their teacher no longer alive?
Filed under Poems
Party Like You Forgot To Take Your Meds And The Voices Are Coming Back!
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is having fun
Until the quiet loner guy
Pulls out his loaded gun.
Everyone is joyful.
Everyone joins in the dance
‘Til that one guy from accounting
Pulls a K-bar from his pants.
It’s at that point the happiness
On that crowded dancing floor
Gives way to massive panic
And a stampede for the door.
Now K-bar guy is happy
As is Steve (He’s got the gun)
Because the flat is empty now
And the small talk is all done.
Filed under Poems
This Poem > Green New Deal
Onions are the only things
That make their murderers cry.
We should all wear clothes made of onions
And all murder would go bye-bye.
Filed under Poems
Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift
Are you unhappy?
Perhaps you’re depressed?
You want to shoot up a school
Because you’re so stressed?
Don’t grab your assault gun
And make hunters sad.
Instead, grab some kale
And do something bad.
If a few more folk heroes
With defective prozac
Go out with a bang
Via kale attack
The liberals will ban it
And the world will shout “yay!”
To leave your legacy
That’s the very best way.
Filed under Poems
Nice Weather For Post-Commute Shenanigans
The air was warm and friendly,
The sun a gentle golden light,
And the dirt was easily shoveled
Upon the corpse of the guy who passed me on the right.
Filed under Poems
A Very Factual Excuse
A monstrous weasel murdered me
Yesterday around 8:00.
It was rather inconvenient
Which is why this poem’s so late.
Filed under Poems
You Think I’m Joking…
I want a theme park
Where 60-foot insects
Entertain guests
Who beside the bugs sit.
I hope the bugs bite
And destroy anybody
Who’s freaky enough
To buy a ticket to it.
Filed under Poems
The Lament Of An Atheist Ghost
If you kill me
‘Til I’m dead
By hitting me
Upon my head
I will not get
Revenge on you
‘Cause that’s not a thing
Dead folks can do.
Filed under Poems
I Met Her Online
Breaking up is hard for me,
Requiring courage and stuff.
It calls the waves of an emotional sea
And the embrace of blanket fluff.
I hate to say it, and I’ve told you why
Breaking up is hard to do.
That’s why I’ve decided not to break it off.
Instead, I’m just going to shoot you.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 