Tag Archives: Poetry

Your Mom

“I’d like to give a fuck,” he said

As he looked me in the eye,

“But I’m afraid I used my last one up

On your mother the other night.”

 

And so I asked the fellow,

“Why does it make you proud

To look me in my eye right here

And announce unto the crowd

 

That you expended a limited sex drive,

and, if I might ask, why in Hades

Would you be so very proud

To score with middle aged ladies?”

 

And so he slunk off quietly,

And to those who know folks like him:

Do the world a favor,

Just find the guy and spike him!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

How to Enhance your Boredom

Every now and agin,

When entertainment is thin,

We human beings get bored.

But why must it be

That if bored are we

We cannot have fun?  Oh my lord!

 

For instance if you’ll

Be bored in a pool

That means you’re water board.

And if you find eating dull,

And your food brings a lull,

Then alternatively, you’re fodder bored.

 

If you’re bored with computers

And can’t define transmuters

Chances are you’re circuit board.

And if you want to have sex,

But you’re bored and depressed,

Go ahead and just furk it bored.

 

When you go on a sailboat

You’re boarding a ship.

When your date is boring

Just give them the slip.

If you’re on rollers or ice

You could be skate board,

And if you cannot be early,

Be late bored!

 

And finally if a lion

Who live out in Zion

Whose name is Ford, has roared,

Then it’s quite possible

That specific sort of dull

Is to be as lion Ford roared bored!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Super Sweet Blogging

Today I thank a fellow man

Whom I have never met.

He goes by Starscraper99

And I am in his debt

For he has nominated me

(And a host of other blogs)

For the “Super Sweet Blogging Award,”

Which really turns my cogs (in a good way).

 

So here’s my application, I guess

To be eligible for this award.

I must list off several bloggers

Whose material strikes a chord

In the heart of this here blogger,

And answer some questions too.

So here we go: These are my picks.

Congrats if one is you!

 

For gamer types, there’s Greywulf’s Lair (greywulf.net)

And “Blog of subdued excitement” (Slightlyhippie.wordpress.com) for those who air

Their private lives upon the net.

And “A soldier’s perspective” (militarygear.com/asp) for civilians and vets.

 

Now onto the question portion I go.

The first goes like this:

“Cookies or cake?”  I must say

I can’t choose, and thus plead the fifth (Although it’s cookies, but that didn’t rhyme).

 

Next they ask “Chocolate or Vanilla,”

To which I must reply

That chocolate is better in all departments

Except ice cream, where vanilla reigns high.

 

What’s my favorite sweet treat?  I don’t have one.

As long is it’s sweet, then I’m good.

When do I crave sweet things the most?

I guess whenever I’m in the mood.

 

And finally if I had a sweet nickname

What on earth would it be?

Sweet Travis T.  It’s a good moniker.

That’s a few sordid facts about me.

 

So if you were nominated, here’s what you do:

Thank me in a post on your blog,

Nominate the blogs that you love to read

And answer the questions.  Hurrah(g)!

 

So keep blogging my friends,

I love what you write!

Have a sweet afternoon,

And after that, a good night!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

Disney

I look at myself in the mirror

And at those that I call my peers

And I wonder how this generation

Got so messed up in so few years.

 

Then it hits me like Big Uncle Louie

And the things he would do with his knee:

It isn’t our fault we’re how we are,

It’s the fault of the films of Walt Disney.

 

Girls have been told since Snow White

That it’s fine to share a home

With seven short, gem-mining strangers,

And to trust only dwarves, never a gnome.

 

We’ve been taught that marriage

Is right for anyone who

Is beautiful, and is most unacquainted

With their spouse to be.  Love is a coup!

 

And finally they showed us that filthy “Toy Story,”

Which features “Woody” and “Buzz,”

A cowgirl, a slinky, and a kid-hugging bear

That smells like strawberry fuzz.

 

So if love doesn’t last for our lifetimes,

It’s assuredly not our fault.

It’s the films, meant for fun, that have scarred us.

You can blame our dysfunctions on Walt.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Reason to be Happy #1

Who the hell takes candy from babies?

Do you know anyone?

It’s a sick sort of thing, and I’m glad people don’t.

Babies just wanna have fun.

 

So when you are moody, sad or depressed

Or your dog’s been diagnosed with rabies,

Or society bugs you like it bugs me, at least

People don’t take candy from babies.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

Poetry

I do not understand

Why a poem without meter

Or Rhyme

Is still a poem.

 

I do not understand

Why poets put one word

On a different line

Is it for dramatic

Effect?

 

I do not understand

How the use of provocative language

Convoluted by anti-bourgeois lexicons

Is considered art.

 

i do not understand

why not using punctuation

or capitalization

makes the poet look intelligent

or artistic

rather than a putz who failed

first grade english

 

I do not understand

Why a suitable ending

To a poem like this

Is pointlessly repeating its theme.

 

I do not understand.

I do not understand

I do not understand.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Easter Eggs

Easter eggs confuse me.

They do not come from a bunny,

And telling children that they do

Just really isn’t funny.

 

What is funny though

Is in movies, games and books

When the creators add in secret things

You don’t find in the first few looks.

 

And so, as writer’s block set in

This gray and fateful day,

I left an Easter egg for you

Hidden amidst this page.

 

If you can find it, good for you!

Like or comment and let me know.

If you don’t here’s a hint: It’s a question

That resides where the internet knows.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

The Big Shootout

It was high noon on the eighth of June

And the town was hushed as mice.

Two cowpokes faced off outside the saloon,

Their gazes cold as ice.

 

A coyote howled on some distant hill,

But the fighters stances held.

And they stood, and stood, and stood stock still,

Or so I have been telled.

 

Then, lightning fast, Bill Hoover the Blue

Drew his silver gun.

Snakebite Stanley whipped his out too,

And they shot under the scorching sun.

 

No blood was spilled that fateful day,

Though the duo fired twelve rounds.

Two dogs took the bullets, they leapt in the way

And it died, two peace-loving hounds.

 

That fight was intense, under the suns scorching rays

But it was never made into a film, ’cause, well,

You can kill pretty much anything in movies these days

But kill a dog, and you’re going to Hell.

2 Comments

Filed under Poems

Christian School Cheerleaders

When I was going to middle school

I attended an institution

Which followed Christian philosophy

As a sort of constitution.

 

When I went to high school, I made sure

That It was public, ’cause see here,

Public schools, unlike Christian ones,

Have squads of young leaders of cheer.

 

And frankly, I don’t think it’s fair

That those good Christian girls

Shouldn’t have the same oppurtunity

To shout inanities and do kicks and twirls,

 

So I assembled a brief list

Of appropriate Christian cheers.

So now still be Christian

And be immodest in your high school years:

 

Moses brought commandments a long time ago!
Jesus died on the cross to redeem your soul!
Goooooooo PURITANS!
Jesus crossed the Galilee!
Now we’ll high-kick modestly!
Gooooooo DISCIPLES!

How many goals we got? THREE!
How many goals they got? NUN!

Jesus loves the home team, and the visitors too!
But we now who is gonna win, and we hope that you do too!
Goooo BULL- DOGMAS!
On the first day God created light!
But today we’ll honor him and FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Goooooooo be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground. ”

In other news, I’m going to Hell.

The weather’s nasty, but the Company’s swell.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader

Lost in Translation (With Subtitles)

Dear reader, today I show to you

Dear readers, today show

One of my favorite ways

a favorite
To pass a tiresome hour or two

as South
On sites like Google translate.

Google translate

One simply writes a bit of text,

Simply type the text
A paragraph or two,

or two
Then translates the writing back and forth

Then enter transfer
To a language like French or Urdu.

In languages like French and Urdu

The result, as you will likely see

Therefore it is possible
When this process is repeated

When the process is repeated
In many languages, is humorous

In many languages full of humor.
Because all meaning is deleted.

For this reason it is cancelled.

So that’s my ramble for today.

Now it’s your turn.
I hope you have some fun

Hope you enjoy
Translating things into foreign texts,

Translation of foreign language.
And now I’ve got to run.

Readers jetzt.Wapendwa employment, today show

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems, To the Reader