Tag Archives: Poetry

Solitaire

When life is dull and boring,

And your mind is full of snoring,

And your sanity has lost it’s mooring,

We turn to solitaire.

 

It’s a stupid little game

Of cards. though having fame

The hobby is still rather lame.

The hobby of solitaire.

 

And now I’ll announce this:

(Correct me if I miss)

No one has fun in the abyss

Of desperation called solitaire?

 

Maybe when you were five,

And the game was so alive!

So fresh and new, the jive!

The jive of solitaire.

 

And so this poem ends.

Did it have a point? Depends

On how your viewpoint bends.

Now I’m leaving, for solitaire.

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The Steak Mistake

Under the light of the moon

In a restaurant in June

A brand new chef prepares a steak.

He brazes it well,

And basks in the smell.

He decides to take a break.

 

But that chef forgot

The burner was hot

And the meat burned like the sun

That chef’s mistakes,

They razed the steaks,

And I hope you enjoyed the pun.

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Chapter Two

If you are reading this

Chances are you’ve been born.

You’ve probably learned how to read,

You’re on a computer, and you have internet access,

And you understand English.

It’s unlikely you’re naked.

You may be hungry

Or thirsty,

But you aren’t dangerously so.

In fact, chances are your problems aren’t that bad

In the grand scheme of things.

 

This is chapter one,

Your prologue,

The beginning of your life.

I ask you now to examine what you’re going to do tomorrow

When chapter two rolls around.

 

Look around.

Observe the dramatis personae that is the world

And realize you are not the main character.

Then, you only have to ask:

What’s my point?

Here are your options:

The villains, who are hated,

The heroes, who are loved,

The fluff, the flavor text, who are unremembered,

Or the sun, rain, and wind, giving light and life to all you encounter.

Why should you long to be a main character

When you can be the sky?

 

Chapter one showed you the setting

Where your life takes place.

In chapter two, we see who matters in this story of life.

So tomorrow, when chapter two starts,

What will you be doing?

Why will you matter?

Will you breathe the air, or will you be the air?

 

Choose now, because you never get to see the table of contents.

Few books are longer than 1,000 pages,

Most aren’t 300,

And the silly ones full of rainbows and unicorns

Are usually around 12.

If I only get 12 pages,

I don’t want 9 to say,

“And he wished…”

I want 11 to say,

“And he was, and he did, and he gave his all,

And he smiled throughout.”

 

So write your twelve pages as they are,

And fill them with pretty pictures of chapter one.

Throw them away,

And walk onward, shining like the sun you can be,

Into chapter two.

 

 

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Words I Like

I have a superstition

That words need no definition

But merely a satisfying sound,

Like “Trickle” and “Thresh,”

“Conniption” and “Flesh.”

Yes these satisfying words do abound.

 

I like “Snort.”

I like “Port.”

I like “Weasels.”

I like “Pox,”

“Socks,” and “Fox.”

I like “Measels.”

 

On the other hand

I’ve got words to be banned

From our language on my watch,

Such as “Sixth,” “Dork,” and “Squat,”

“Squirt,” “Sphere,” and “Kumquat,”

And especially “Fecund” and “Crotch.”

 

So those are some words

That, much like the birds,

Fly through my head day to day.

Do you you have some, dear?

If so, I’d love to hear!

If not, I’ll just be on my way.

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Lullaby

Sweet little infant, all is fine,

And somewhere in Zambia, the sun still shines.

And I am envious of those Zambian dudes,

For they have the sun, and all I’ve got is you.

 

So basically baby, do me this favor:

Go to sleep now and save me the labor

Of rocking you, kid.  And don’t cry like that!

I’m seriously considering feeding you to the cat.

 

In fact, I’ve had it with your crying, you prick!

Let me go to the window and prepare my drop kick.

Oh, hello there darling.  I’m just getting some air.

So good bye now, you baby.  Cry at someone who cares!

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Google’s Humor

Why are things funny?

That’s a very good question,

And worth googling.

 

I decided to

Search for “Funny Picture.” Well,

Here’s the first result:

 

 

So, by Google’s thoughts

Coffee tables are funny.

Never would have guessed!

 

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The Breakup Dialogues

“Darling, I want you to quite your job

As a women’s fitness guru.

I don’t like you being around those skinny women.”

“With some work honey, you could be one too!”

 

“I really love this video game.

I really really do!

It’s unlike anything in my life right now:

It’s makes me feel like a dream came true.”

 

My wife told me a joke today.

“What’s purple and wears a bra?”

I answered with the first thing on my mind.

“Could it be my mother in law?”

 

“Why honey, it’s time

For me to give you thanks.

I had the orgasm of my life today

When you drove me to the sperm banks.”

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Hockey

A cloud of partially frozen testosterone wafts across the ice,

A mist of legends past and present.

The fans sit, digesting grease and salt on uncomfortable seats.

The timer starts, the buzzer rings, the announcer screams,

And the teams emerge from the limbo beyond civilian comprehension.

The goalies go to their nets,

The captains to the center,

And they sing the anthems of allied nations,

Friends amidst the competition.

Then the rink explodes!

A flurry of sticks, pucks, and teeth without homes.

Lights flash, buzzers ring, plastic shatters and jerseys tear.

This repeats three times,

And the losers exit loudly.

But the winners stay.

They stay, and whether it’s their first or last time

They experience that fleeting joy

That lasts forever.

The joy of victory.

The joy of hockey.

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Apathy

I wrote a limerick for you

About apathy, but I didn’t care to

Post it today

So in my quite lazy way

I’m not posting it here, so boo hoo.

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The Real You

(G)                              (C)

I do not like those other girls

(D)                            (G)

Who wear their hair in silly curls.

(Em)                 (C)

I don’t like other girls like you,

(D7)              (G)

I only like the real you.

 

(G)                    (CMaj7)

I don’t like other blue-eyed ladies.

(DMaj7)

I don’t drive cars that look like a Mercedes.

(Em)                                      (C)

I won’t take periwinkle when I can have blue,

(D7)                     (G)

And I only love the real you.

 

(C)

So if you look at magazines

(F)                              (F7)

And think you need that dress or jeans,

(C)              (G)

Think again. You’re fine as is.

(D7)                   (G)

It’s the real you I want to kiss.

 

Bridge:  G, DMaj7, CMaj7, Em, B, Em, A7

 

(D)

Every morning I wake up,

(G)                         (Em)

I take a sip from my coffee cup.

(G)                        (AMaj7)

I’ll bide my time and hide my blues

(G7)                    (D)

Until you’re mine: The real you.

 

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