Category Archives: Songs

April 17, 2015 · 2:09 pm

Welcome to the Tundra

(A Parody of “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses)

Welcome to the Tundra.

We’ve got fun and games.

We’ve all got PhD’s, Honey

And we’re all named Frank or James.

One hour on Skype’s all the social

Intercourse we need.

If you’ve got a scientific grant,

We’ve got your deep freeze.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.

Watch it bring you to your knees.

I want to watch you renew our funding please.

Welcome to the tundra.

We take it day by day.

If you want it, you’ll wear lots of fur,

And get industry-competitive pay.

And if you’re a very sexy girl

Let likes to talk and chat

You better get your cell phone out

‘Cause us guys don’t dig all that.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra

Feel my, my, my polar bear.

Ooh, you’d better grow your hair.

Welcome to the tundra

Where we’ve got two-hour days.

You learn to live like an animal

In our permafrost-sampling ways.

If your hungry, here’s an MRE.

You’ll get used to them eventually.

You can have anything you want

Unless it’s fresh, flavorful, or hot.

And if you’re high, you’re actually

At the same elevation as everyone else.

You know where you are;

You’re in the tundra baby.

Your skin’ll get dry in the tundra.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra

Studying stratification.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra

Writing your dissertation.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra

Extrapolating from incomplete information.

In the tundra, welcome to the tundra.

It’ll bring you to your

Required credits of applied study. Ha!

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November 21, 2014 · 11:56 am

Princes Need Rescuing Too

All day in the stables
Fighting straw dummies,
Shining our armor,
And tending our steeds
Preparing to rescue
Some distressing damsel
Who hasn’t a care
That we also have needs.

We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
To work for the purpose
Of rescuing you,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?

We put on brave faces
And ride o’er the kingdom
To locate princesses
Who’ll soon be our wives.
Thus is our duty,
Our privilege as princes,
And the entire purpose
Of our royal lives.

We wake in the morning
All strong and handsome
Thinking of ways
To be noble and true,
But have you considered
In your captivity
That princes need rescuing too?

Out broad shoulders need to be cried on.
Our arms need somebody to hold.
We need your assurance that love will be ours
When we’re fat, wrinkled, pervy, and old.

And so we will ride o’er the kingdom
With our perfectly coiffed princely do,
With the hope that we’ll save
The darlings we crave
Who know princes need rescuing too.

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July 25, 2014 · 9:51 am

The Boss’s Song

Whoever built this universe
Gave me a lousy deal.
I’m the world’s strongest failure,
And that’s a lousy way to feel.

See, I have a job I cannot leave
For which I am reviled,
Waiting for a protagonist
To arrive at my domicile

To strike me down with spell and steel,
And even if I win
He saved his game, and back he comes,
Our battle to begin.

If that is not a handicap
Sufficient for your taste,
My actions are predetermined.
My talents are a waste.

And so, grand noble hero
Please take this victory
And feel proud of the achievement
Of beating poor old me.

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July 20, 2014 · 10:18 am

My Airport Song

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But simply my fate.

I woke up at five in the morning,
A two hour drive to begin
To reach the airport at nine A.M
For a work flight at noon to Berlin.

I’d accounted for all the surprises
And left time for those that I missed.
Or so I thought ’til my Maggy arrived,
Her temperament thoroughly pissed.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was mostly my mate.

Turns out my Maggy discovered
Her darlingness wasn’t exclusive,
Though I thought I’d kept my affairs
In Germany fairly elusive.

I managed to exit by quarter to six
With a bit of my Chevy un-smashed.
At quarter past six came the sirens,
Wondering where I had been when I crashed.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault.
It was Officer Kate.

The cops pointed out my transmission,
Amazed at how far I had drug ‘er.
I’ve never known cables so durable
Or Maggy’s skill with a Louisville Slugger.

My taxi arrived at eleven,
My hope not entirely shattered.
The cops sold my car at an auction
To benefit the domestically battered.

I got to the gate
A little bit late.
It wasn’t my fault,
But I made $398.

I arrived at the gate at noon-thirty
And saw my Boeing depart.
It flew off with my job and my meeting,
But it also flew off with my heart.

So I called up my sweetheart abroad
And cancelled what our evening implied.
Then I called my Maggy, two blessed hours away
And said, “Can you give me a ride?”

I stayed at the gate
Until it was late.
Thanks for listening honey.
Would you care for a date?

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July 1, 2014 · 10:03 am

Keep the Baby Blues

Well the supreme court
Made an unpopular decision,
At least for those whose disposition
Is decidedly pro-choice.
But Baby, I’m here
To let you know no need to bother,
‘Cause your probably not the father
Of my up-and-coming boys.

But if you can’t sleep
‘Cause of that night you slept around,
Well good news, you dirty hound!
I’ve a solution to use.
No need to find
Some shady dark alley clinics
Run by Obama-care critics.
Just sing the “keep the baby” blues.

You might just find that fatherhood
Is just what you should.
Might be surprisingly good.
Yea, you might just find that having boys
Is not all about the noise
And spending money on toys.

Look on the bright side:
You have to pay for birth control
Which feels good deep in your soul,
Or so the justices said.
And better yet
If feds won’t pay to kill a baby
Then it might just be that maybe
Fewer babies be dead.

You might just find being a mum
Is very joyous to some,
Even if Daddy’s a bum.
You might just find the will to love
Though maybe that epiphany don’t come from heaven above.

Liberal friends, they did defeat us,
But their intent wasn’t simply to beat us,
They was only try’n to save another fetus,
Who just might be a future baby Cletus.

And so I end
With this proposal to ponder:
Would our hopes go way out yonder
If you did abstinence choose?
And I’ll admit
If that’s a price too high to pay
Then live your life the same way
And sing the “keep the baby” blues.

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January 26, 2014 · 9:43 am

The Star Spangled Blind Date

Oh say can you see
By the fluorescent lights
That red flag you sought out
On their online profile,

That was written so well,
Focused on good highlights
But it failed to reveal
All the things that were vile.

As the waiters brings food
And your date wrecks the mood
By reciting some thoughts
That are terribly lewd.

“Oh say, did you notice
It’s getting too late for me.
“This was a very special night,”
You lie as you flee.

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September 3, 2012 · 10:37 pm

Lullaby

Sweet little infant, all is fine,

And somewhere in Zambia, the sun still shines.

And I am envious of those Zambian dudes,

For they have the sun, and all I’ve got is you.

 

So basically baby, do me this favor:

Go to sleep now and save me the labor

Of rocking you, kid.  And don’t cry like that!

I’m seriously considering feeding you to the cat.

 

In fact, I’ve had it with your crying, you prick!

Let me go to the window and prepare my drop kick.

Oh, hello there darling.  I’m just getting some air.

So good bye now, you baby.  Cry at someone who cares!

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August 27, 2012 · 7:03 pm

The Real You

(G)                              (C)

I do not like those other girls

(D)                            (G)

Who wear their hair in silly curls.

(Em)                 (C)

I don’t like other girls like you,

(D7)              (G)

I only like the real you.

 

(G)                    (CMaj7)

I don’t like other blue-eyed ladies.

(DMaj7)

I don’t drive cars that look like a Mercedes.

(Em)                                      (C)

I won’t take periwinkle when I can have blue,

(D7)                     (G)

And I only love the real you.

 

(C)

So if you look at magazines

(F)                              (F7)

And think you need that dress or jeans,

(C)              (G)

Think again. You’re fine as is.

(D7)                   (G)

It’s the real you I want to kiss.

 

Bridge:  G, DMaj7, CMaj7, Em, B, Em, A7

 

(D)

Every morning I wake up,

(G)                         (Em)

I take a sip from my coffee cup.

(G)                        (AMaj7)

I’ll bide my time and hide my blues

(G7)                    (D)

Until you’re mine: The real you.

 

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